Science says a little water makes your whiskey taste better

A lot of Booze News stuff lately. It must be the winding down of summer and everyone thinking about relaxing with a nice drink. Today, science is here to validate whiskey drinkers.

According to a recent study, if you like a little water in your whiskey, you haven’t been imagining a difference. Scientists have found that the taste of the compound guaiacol can be increased when whiskey is diluted. This compound enhances the flavor and smell of the booze, and it rises to the surface of the glass when water is added, according to researchers. However, if you add too much water to your whiskey, the guaiacol falls away from the surface, meaning less flavor and smell.

So go ahead, add a little water to your brown water.

Michigan fish doing the Dew after soda spill

We take our water for granted. At best, we assume it will the bland, colorless, tasteless liquid that is somehow acceptable to both drink and bathe in. But what if we could make it more awesome?

In Livingston County, Michigan, local waterways are now heavily caffeinated after a massive spill of Mountain Dew syrup at a bottling plant. A tank holding the syrup, which is added to fizzy water to make soda, burst, allowing 7,200 gallons of it to make it down the drain and into a retention pond. Because the syrup mixed with water, it is now technically Mountain Dew.

Look out, Flint. Your water supply is about to become EXTREME.

Plastic toys can’t pee on people anymore

Outrage culture has gone too far once again. And it’s no surprise this time it’s in the liberal bastion known as Tennessee.

A woman dining at a Japanese steak house was forced to endure being sprayed with water. During the performance, a cook reportedly sprayed the woman with a plastic toy resembling a boy pulling his pants down and peeing. The woman was offended by the water spray, and told authorities she felt sexually assaulted.

No arrests were made after the toy was found to not have a penis. Yes, that is true.

Green foam closes Utah road, as foretold in Book of Mormon

Cleveland isn’t the only city invaded by a blob this summer. There’s something in the sewers of a Utah town and no one has any idea what it is. It’s so bad that roads have to be shut down.

In Bluffdale, Utah, officials closed a road after a green foam started oozing out of a storm drain. They don’t know what it is, or whether it is friendly or means us harm. State officials stressed that it is probably not algae.

So rest easy, Utes Utahans, that foam in your water supply could be supernatural for all we know.

Toxic blob heading toward Cleveland — again

Cleveland is a tough, proud town on Lake Erie. Sure everyone likes to make fun of its sports teams because they are awful, but the people endure. And it’s no wonder that people in The Cleve yearn for days gone by. Those who miss the 1970s may soon have a reminder on tap.

It seems a blob of toxic sludge dredged from the Cuyahoga River in the 1970s and dumped into Lake Erie is making its way toward an intake pipe that supplies water for the Cleveland metro area. The industrial waste blob is about two miles long, and is just five miles away from a water treatment plant and its intake pipe, state health officials warn. It’s some of the same carcinogenic sludge that caught fire in the Cuyahoga River in 1952 and 1969. Here’s Randy Newman with a quick history lesson.

Cleveland, an old friend is coming home.

You Missed It: Riding again edition

Funny, he doesn't look anything like Emilio Estevez to me.
Funny, he doesn’t look anything like Emilio Estevez to me.

People were shocked when Playboy announced that it’s going non-nude from now on, and I don’t understand why. Didn’t the magazine do that for a few issues 30 years ago when Hugh Hefner had a come-to-Jesus moment? It didn’t work then, obviously. It may or may not work now, but the real question is who cares? I can’t tell you the last time I saw a place that sold Playboy, much less talked to someone who owned them. I know a generation ago it was like a rite of passage or whatever, and that older guys are probably all that’s keeping that magazine is business, but Playboy magazine hasn’t really ever been relevant to people my age, and I’m sure it isn’t for those younger than me. As long as the mansion’s still having parties. If you were busy taking your reality show to capture your ex-husband’s struggle for life this week, odds are you missed it.

The outlaw returns
It was confirmed this week that an old photograph bought at a store in California is a newly discovered photo of Billy the Kid. Photo experts authenticated the photo, which shows Mr. The Kid and members of his gang in Lincoln County, New Mexico playing croquet after a wedding. That means that every girl planning a wedding in a barn with string lights and mason jars is adding croquet to her reception plans right now.

Trump, Carson threaten to not be seen for once
This week, Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Ben Carson told CNBC that they would boycott the upcoming debate hosted by the news channel if it were to run more than two hours long and not include opening and closing remarks. So that’s how you get rid of them.

What’s that smell?
Researchers in California have developed a bikini they say will help clean the ocean. The skimpy swimsuit is made out of material that repels water, but sucks in pollutants in the water. The invention has a fatal flaw, because women wearing bikinis at beaches never actually go anywhere near the water.

Third world gets a leg up in Olympic swimming events in Rio 2016

"No! No! No no no nononononooooo!"
“No! No! No no no nonononon–” ::splash::

Speaking of fecal sports, it looks like our swimming athletes will get more than a mouthful at the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. According to an Associated Press investigation, the water in Rio’s brimming with “1.7 million times the level of [fecal-bourne viruses that] would be considered hazardous on a Southern California beach.”

Kristina Mena, a U.S. expert in risk assessment for waterborne viruses, examined the AP data and estimated that international athletes at all water venues would have a 99 percent chance of infection if they ingested just three teaspoons of water — though whether a person will fall ill depends on immunity and other factors.

[Emphasis ours.]

It would take our athletes years to acclimate to those waters, which wouldn’t prevent them from getting sick, but would lessen symptom severity. As it stands, they don’t have enough time to train without chumming their swim lanes — a considerable amount of beefy chum if you’ve ever been to a Texas de Brasil restaurant.

So, congratulations, third-world athletes. You finally found an advantage over first-world water filtration. But, seriously, what a sh*tty way to win.

A dinosaur peed in your cup

As we all know, humans defeated the dinosaurs in combat millions of years ago. But now it seems those overgrown lizards will have the last laugh.

It turns out, we’ve been drinking dinosaur pee the whole time and didn’t know it. Dinos were around for millions and millions of years, so it’s very likely that the water molecules in your cup were drunk by a dinosaur long ago.

Fortunately, the Guys only drink liquor.

It’s sort of like an Easter egg hunt, but gross

If you see a glowing tampon floating in a stream, don’t just be grossed out, run. There’s a good chance you’re in danger.

Researchers have found that they can use common coloring chemicals to dye tampons, and then send them to find leaks in sewage pipes. You just send them down into the sewer, and then scour nearby lakes, rivers and streams to find them again. It will give you an idea of where the leak is and where pollution is seeping into lakes.

Why tampons? They float, and they don’t have dyes like other cotton does, so they can easily absorb something bright to make them easier to find.

The down side, of course, is that in this case, they only find the leaks. They don’t plug them up.

Why work at a reservoir if you can’t pee in it?

You can tell it’s nearly spring on the West Coast when people start peeing in city reservoirs.

In San Francisco, the local water authority is under fire after reports that a maintenance manager peed into an empty reservoir. Apparently, this is a problem, even though there was no water to contaminate in the reservoir in the first place. He faces a week’s suspension for putting no one at risk.

You may remember a year ago, when a teenager in Portland relieved himself into a reservoir that had water in it, and they even drained that one, even though it was totally safe, too.