It’s winter here in the Northern Hemisphere, which means we don’t talk about sharks too much. Many of them have gone to warmer waters to eat those tasty Southern Hemispherians. But we’ve got good news out of Massachusetts: the sharks can’t handle the cold.
Remember the end of Jaws when Chief Brody blows up the the monster shark’s head by shooting the air tank in its mouth (spoiler alert)? The “bomb cyclone” is basically the air tank in this case. A frozen shark has washed up in Cape Cod, it’s the fourth such found over the past week or so. They have all been Thresher sharks, which are known as the wusses of the sea. Local researchers believe a pack of these sharks got caught in Cape Cod Bay and “couldn’t stand the wicked cold temprachas.”
So while you dig yourself out of the storm, think about the warm beaches and sharkless waters you’ll enjoy come summer time.
Chocolate: without it, peanut butter cups are just weird. And we may be facing just such weirdness in the future, thanks to climate change. But a team of scientists is working to save it (chocolate, not the climate).
It’s true, chocolate, the main ingredient in fudge, could cease to be in the decades ahead, because the cacao plant is losing its habitat thanks to climate change. Cacao plants need to be grown in a very specific, unchanging environment, which is why they don’t stand a chance as things continue to get crazy weatherwise. That’s why a team of researchers is using gene editing technology to make cacao better able to grow at higher elevations, where weather is generally more stable.
However, if we do run out of chocolate, at least all the chocoholics will get clean.
Folks, we want our readers to be safe. Also, we don’t want to get sued for anything. That’s why if you’re one of our coastal Texas readers, RUN, BITCH! Hurricane Harvey is coming!
But if you’re dumb (and if you live in Texas, there’s a pretty good chance of that), and you decide to hang around for a Category 3 hurricane that’s supposed to just sit over your head for a week, grab some booze. That’s the advice Houston-area bars and liquor stores are giving, and the citizenry is listening. Beer, wine and liquor sales are way up ahead of the potentially deadly storm people should probably be sober for.
Key quote from a Houston bartender:
Regardless, if you’re craving hard liquor this weekend, Hunt suggests making a Greyhound, which is vodka and grapefruit juice. “It’s light, refreshing and simple. There is a hurricane happening! Ain’t no one got time for a complicated, multi-step process.”
Hunt says she’ll be drinking wine during the storm “and lots of it,” and suggests 19 Crimes Cabernet.
There are things about our society I will never understand, such as mustaches, lattes and Civil War reenactors. But above all else, I do not understand the annual appeal of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. It’s great that it’s the one time America cares about the education of its youth, but why does anyone watch it? It’s like sitting through a school band concert and you don’t even have a kid at that school. If you lost your job because of thin-skinned bullies this week, odds are you missed it.
Paris je déteste
This week, President Donald Trump announced that he will begin the process of pulling the U.S. out of the landmark Paris climate agreement. For some reason, people were surprised by this. Folks, this is the guy who argued that it wasn’t raining during his inauguration, when you could clearly see rain drops, umbrellas, and George W. Bush getting confused by a poncho. Of course he’s going to deny climate change. Pretty soon he’ll be arguing that the sky’s not grey.
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods earlier this week after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was pulled over on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.
Mr. Met thrown out
The New York Mets fired the actor playing Mr. Met, after video surfaced of the large baseball-headed anthropomorphic figure was seen flipping the bird at hecklers. So that ought to get that ball club back on track.
If we told you that Hurricane Betsy was coming your way, would you flee? What about Hurricane Michael? Some scientists say you aren’t afraid of storms with female names.
It turns out that storms with female names tend to kill more people. Researchers don’t think it’s because they’re any nastier or moodier (at least not while they’re in earshot), but that people tend to take hurricanes with male names more seriously. They suggest that any given hurricane would kill three times as many people if it has a woman’s name.
The good news for women out there is that hurricanes are punishing the sexists.
This blog has never been big on believing in “facts” or “information,” which is why we come so close to agreeing with climate change deniers. (Does it feel warm to you? No! Case in point!) They say this climate mumbo-jumbo is nothing but an elaborate, worldwide plot by those fat cat scientists to drain economies while spreading panic. Today we’re almost inclined to agree.
Well done, science. You and your golden-labcoated friends can use another $10,000 to light up your cigars tonight. You’ve scared Chipotle into considering taking away the thing we love most. Now you can tell us all about rising sea levels and make it sound like beachfront property in Indiana isn’t a good thing.
It’s cold outside, but for those of you who are shocked by this, it’s January. This is what winter used to feel like before God decided to warm things up mankind collectively said, “To hell with the sea level, I want to get to work in my coal-powered SUV!” You’re miserable? That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
January is cold, dark, windy and mostly devoid of holidays to look forward to. If the months of the year were your family, January would be your harsh grandmother. Always judging with those cold, cold eyes, and her icy sister February with her at all times. (If you’re wondering, March would be your uncle who drinks too much and says inappropriate things to you.) It amazes me every year how it seems like so many people are experiencing winter for the first time.
Apparently we’re finally going to get a tropical storm to make landfall in the U.S. this year. To me, this hurricane season has been a lot like the summer movie season, it was projected to be an above-average year, but really, nothing meaningful ended up materializing. I feel bad, because I love a good hurricane. I feel bad, but I watch an oncoming storm with the same excitement as those guys on the Weather Channel. I’m kind of hoping something interesting head my way this year, if nothing else, it’s an excuse to stay inside and drink. If you were busy showing off your “proof” of Bigfoot this week, odds are you missed it.
Shutdown sequence initiated
As everyone had predicted all summer long, Congress was not able to come up with a budget for the new fiscal year, which means it had to shut down. Democrats claim a group of Republicans is holding the country hostage, while Republicans say if Democrats just give into their demands, nobody gets hurt. Everyone was able to come together and cheer this week when an honor flight of World War II veterans broke into their war’s closed memorial on the National Mall. It turned out to be a stunt by a few GOP lawmakers, who probably faced a lot of questions from the veterans about whether their Social Security checks will bounce.
This is going to get good
This week, Sinead O’Connor sent an open letter to walking Halloween costume Miley Cyrus, cautioning her against letting herself be “prostituted” by those around her and herself for the sake of show business. Swinging naked on a wrecking ball and licking a sledgehammer might not be sending the right message for the long haul. Noticeably absent from the letter was any plea for her to stop doing that stupid tongue thing and hanging out with giant teddy bears. However, if you’re getting told by the woman who put a personal ad on her own website that maybe you should tone it down, that’s got to be an eye-opener.
Road closed, find an alternate route
The FBI announced this week that it arrested the suspected operator of the black market site Silk Road and seized the site itself. Silk Road was a site where one could buy drugs and other illicit services, like murder for hire. The FBI said it brought down the site the same way the real Silk Road was ended — with the rise of the Ottoman Empire.
Nearly 2000 (if this headline is to be believed) trekkers have been stranded in a small mountain resort for accessing Mt. Everest. They’ve been stuck for four days, and officials believe they could be there for at least a few more days with dwindling food supplies.
If they cannot be evacuated in time, the trekkers — which are like trekkies, only with chips on their shoulders — will begin eating each other in order of shirt color, though this could lead to a fight over whether TOS or TNG rules apply.
To test their new emergency broadcast system without alerting citizens, Hungary’s disaster agency will broadcast warnings today of adverse weather in Middle Earth locations. State radio and television stations will report “floods and catastrophic weather in Gondor, Rohan, Rivendell, Helm’s Deep and other locations inhabited by Hobbits, Orcs, Elves, Ents and Dwarves.”
Unfortunately, it still backfired: New Zealand has already reported receiving aid kits from saddened Hungarians.