Study links marijuana use, doin’ it

A new study has linked marijuana use to sexual activity–as if you needed another reason to stay away from the gateway drug.

Researchers examined data from a federal survey and found a clear connection between smoking marijuana and frequency of sexual activity. Meaning, those who get high generally have more sex. The results were the same for men and women: those who said they had used marijuana in the past year reported having sex an average of seven times in the past month, while those who hadn’t smoked up in the past year only had sex an average of six times the previous month.

So let that be a lesson to all the kids out there: don’t do drugs. Smoking pot isn’t cool, and it is statistically linked to having more sex.

Researchers give fish marijuana, because why not?

Fish always look like they’re stressed out. They’re constantly moving. They never blink. And they seem to be perpetually in a panic. Naturally, some fish scientists wondered if they could mellow out some fish — by giving them marijuana.

Researchers recently dosed some tilapia with weed to see if it could help lower their stress levels. Farmed fish in overcrowded tanks tend to get more aggressive, which can kill fish, and that’s bad for the bottom line. So they gave the fish some THC-laden edibles. They didn’t seem to do any better than the fish that were fed regular food.

Perhaps the fish are really good at hiding that they’re high. It makes sense, since they basically live in Visine.

Pot pizza is here. Finally, a pizza for people who smoke weed

Medical marijuana has been on the rise throughout much of the country, even in Puritanical old Massachusetts. And while there has been no shortage of gimmicks looking to cash in on the trend, one place finally has a good idea.

A Massachusetts marijuana dispensary is now selling pizza laced with weed. For just $38, you can get a cheese pizza made with pizza sauce that contains THC, which is the compound in weed that gets you high. The pot pizza is only six-inches, which means when you get the munchies, the pizza’s not going to do it for you.

Finally, we don’t have to choose between New York-style or Chicago-style pizza. All the cool kids are ordering Boston-style.

Santa Claus caught selling pot, molly

When the North Pole sends its people down here, it’s not sending its best.

Santa Claus, a rather large elf who probably has diabetes from all the cookies we give him, only works one night a year. That gives him a lot of time to do what he wants to do–like drive drunk or steal a helicopter. This time he was arrested in Florida.

According to authorities, Pere Noel was in Jacksonville, Florida selling marijuana, molly and ecstasy out of a U-Haul truck. Acting on a tip, police caught up to Saint Nicholas, who was in his trademark red suit with white furry trim (heh), probably just trying to make a quick buck on his side hustle. He tried to run when he saw the cops, but was foiled when his pants fell down and tripped him up.

Kids, Santa needs a belt this Christmas.

Drugs now possibly giving powers to people

Stay with us on this one.

A man caused a crash in Vermont. He managed to do so not with a moving vehicle, but with the powers of his body under drugs. WooOOOoooOOOOooo.

Actually, he managed to create a crash with his moving vehicle, but there might have been more to it. Having consumed LSD and pot, James Pollner proceeded to strip naked and run onto a highway after plowing into a vehicle.

Troopers say Pollner admitted to consuming LSD and marijuana prior to the crash. He did not say why he was naked.

I’m going to go with the LSD and pot consumption for the why.

FAQ: Pac-Man Fever *IS NOT* spurred by weed

People, if you’re shipping 55 pounds of Mary Jane via a Pac-Man arcade cabinet, don’t be surprised when you get busted. The real smarties use the top-down tables instead.

And we have no doubt that Sheriff Leroy Ravenell had his best deputies come up with the stinger:

“Our efforts to make Orangeburg safe will not stop. We are and will continue to investigate the criminals in our community and make arrests. You may be looking for a high score but what you’ll get is game over!” [emphasis ours]


My favorite worst nightmare

I’m a capitalist, through and through. That’s the one creed that I subscribe to. I believe in the free market society. I believe in the trading of goods and services via currency. I believe that the market will decide on what is best.

I don’t believe in hippies. They are filthy gypsies that run around without a care in the world, not realizing the effect that has on our society. They crowd up already busy streets and drain our nation’s resources (there’s only so much peanut butter in the world, people!). Worst of all, they parade around and drown themselves in patchouli oil.

Most of all, I don’t want to have to trade you 5 carrots for riding on my bike for 30 minutes. That doesn’t work. And I don’t care for a marijuana farmer’s market. I don’t want to have to trade 2 lambs for a pound of kif. No, if I want that, I’ll do what every other hard-working American citizen does: move to California, fake an injury and get a prescription from a doctor.

We’re rich!

Quick everyone, check your hundred dollar bills! What you have are limited edition objects-they’re real items!

I say this to you all because the government currently has a bit of a problem involving the green stuff (no, not the same problem that the state of California has been bringing up every two years). It would seem that the new bills that they printed, filled with all sorts of wacky and fantastic high tech security whatnots and doodads (industry terms, my friends in the information technology world tell me), might be just a wee bit too high tech for their own good. Sadly, this isn’t just a small batch of money either; no, we’re talking an amount to the tune of 1.1 billion.

The reasons for why this happened are unknown, and it’s being reported that the bills are currently being held in cash packs … for now. Who knows what fate might lie for these now government issue counterfeit bills?

Before we go, let me drop one more number on you: 120 million. That’s amount of money it took your federal government to print these bills that won’t be used. Let the ranting by the unwashed masses of the internet begin in the comments!

‘Downhill bong hits’ not a name for a new trick

However, it’s still illegal. Just ask Melissa Giove.

The former mountain biking world champ was busted with a friend after police found 200 pounds of marijuana on them while in a truck. In this economy that’s only just now beginning to see an upswing, does mountain biking really get you enough money to buy a tenth of a ton of weed?

I mean, do people even care about mountain biking anymore? Didn’t that die out in the nineties? Along with Zubaz?