The surprise reason for sudden weight gain

Science! It’s time for science! And, in this case, we mean science that you keep to yourself and certainly never bring up in an argument.

It turns out that, despite your wife or girlfriend’s complaints, it’s not her pill-form birth control that has caused her recent weight gain. That would be food and/or laziness.

Again, we remind you to never ever ever EVER use this newly acquired knowledge except to quietly reassure yourself when alone that you were right…. But not too loudly, because she may have bugged your office/masturbatorium.

What’s after online dating?

Online dating sites claim that more and more people are turning to their compatability algorythms rather than the old fashioned method. (That would be picking up people in bars until you or one of them gets pregnant.)

Non-users consider it a last-ditch effort, that hail mary pass at the last second of the biological play clock before running a cat hostel.

In the critics’ defense, where do you go when even the Internet rejects you? Speed-dating? Church?

Maybe we should ask the former members of BeautifulPeople.com, a dating site that trimmed the fat, so to speak.

In Other News: SeriouslyGuys has discovered their direct online name rival.

America, F-Yeah!

Of course, in this case, the “F” stands for “fat.” I mean, China has definitely enjoyed a new sense of consumer business … possibly nearly too much in the waste line.

Fear not loyal Americans, this means nothing. China may be getting a bit too big for their britches, but America still takes the cake … along with the ham hocks, buttered sausages, ice cream cones and fried chicken.

China is now the fattest country in the world, second only to the United States.

We’re still number one…

USA, USA, USA!!!!!!

R-O-C-K IN THE U-S-A!