Samoa Air weighs national treasure by the kilo

Samoa Air executives realize that passengers can't help their weight problem due to being Samoan, but will charge them per kilo anyway. Foot massages, however, are "not even in the same ballpark."
Samoa Air executives realize that passengers can’t help their weight problem due to being Samoan, but will charge them per kilo anyway. Foot massages, however, are “not even in the same ballpark.”

With everyone upset at airlines for introducing baggage fees a few years ago, it was only a matter of time before one decided to weigh you instead. And if you’ve ever read Marx, then you already knew that it would be the airline that would profit the most from passenger weight.

Samoa Air, which serves some of the largest people in the world, announced that it will now charge passengers by the kilo. On their shortest flight, the will charge $1 per kilo; on their longest flight to and from American Samoa — or Samoa, only with KFC — $4.16 a kilo.

The airline points out that, while this will mean higher ticket prices for larger passengers, this will also mean much cheaper airfare for children. Cheaper, that is, until they introduce fees per seatkick and crying jag.

Buy a potzer a pizza, or listen to this crap all weekend

If you’ve ever wondered where the dubious claims of your local pothead come from, here you go: “Marijuana Slims? Why Pot Smokers Are Less Obese.”

In Time‘s and author Maia Szalavitz’s defense, they’re not saying that pot makes you skinny. In fact, Szalavitz goes to great lengths to explain why (a) that is definitely not the case and (b) the fact the respondents are slimmer than their non-toking fellow surveyees makes almost no sense.

Still, expect to hear these claims all the same. And probably from a stoner chick with a pot belly (all of them).

The birds, bees, people that eat them

A new study from Ohio State University reveals that men gain weight after a divorce, while women gain weight after having accomplished all of their life goals except ruining yours.

Researchers were unable to pinpoint the root causes for the higher chance of weight gain in these two groups, but they attributed it to married women having “less time to exercise and stay fit than similar unmarried women.”

If we may, we can fill science in on what happens to divorced men: beer for breakfast and Hot Pockets. Also, lackluster masturbation. (Lacklusturbation?)

They’re fat, not gullible

First, there were those vibrating belts. Then, those electrical pads that flex for you. And, we’ve all since laughed at the Shakeweight (mostly with our wallets, though). We’ve even told our nation’s overweight and obese to stop eating red meat, carbohydrates, sodium and corn syrup.

Now? Bigger forks.

At this point, we’re pretty sure science is just making s#@t up just to see what they can get fat people to do next.

Run for your life!

OK, so you finally lost some weight, bringing you below the obese line. Perhaps you’re even barely above to overweight line. Time to relax and maintain, right?

WRONG, say doctors who wrote a new article in Circulation (clever, no?). If you’re a couple of pounds overweight, you still have a 180 percent increased risk of a heart attack over lean people. And, as Dr. Satish Kenchaiah, lead writer of the report, says, “The more you exercise, the more reduction [of the risk of heart disease] you have.”

So, what are you sitting around reading this for? Run! Run, you maggot! And don’t you dare stop running until you have a 0 percent chance of heart attack!