We’ve seen all kinds of things spill out on the roads over the years. Chickens, monkeys, sausages, beer, cheese, heck, I’m pretty sure I’ve even heard of back-ups being created due to the overflow of pirated movies across an interstate in at least one country.
Legos is a new one for us, though. Especially in West Virginia.
Not so much because they’re a creative toy and West Virginia is full of stupid people that inexplicably burn couches, but because … no, that’s probably why.
Here at SG HQ, we do our fair share making fun of the state of Alabama. This is partially done because the state has a rather colorful (though certain citizens of the state may want to use another description) history and partially because it’s where Guy Rick Snee lives. Since the Guys believe in democracy, and the majority of them live in Virginia, Alabama gets the brunt of our humor. However, for longtime residents of Virginia, there’s always been another state that’s been viewed in a less than culturally positive light: West Virginia.
Green Bank is part of a section in the United States where wireless is banned. People who claim to suffer from Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity, a “disease” that the World Health Organization does not recognize as a medical problem, have slowly but surely been moving to the town for years now. As a radio blackout zone, “sufferers/citizens” don’t have to contend with problems that they thought were related to their made-up disease. One such problem for a woman before she moved to Green Bank resulted in her living in a cage:
To alleviate the pain, her husband built an insulated living space known as a Faraday Cage. He covered a wooden frame with two layers of wire mesh and a door that could be sealed shut to prevent radio waves from entering.
Oh wait, that was the solution? Lady, your husband’s not a doctor, he’s a potential serial killer.
When banned, a 26-year-old Xbox Live gamer called Xbox support to explain that his town of Fort Gay, West Virginia, was a real place and not a homosexual slur, he was threatened with account cancellation. Nice customer relations.
Josh Moore found himself temporarily suspended from Xbox Live last week due to an offensive word in his profile. Moore lives in Fort Gay in West Virginia. The word “gay” in the place name set off red flags with Xbox Live, and Moore found himself suspended, the town name removed from his bio. When he contacted customer service about this, he was told that he could not be helped.
Now, here’s where the hilarity of a small town comes into play. Fort Gay mayor David Thompson tried to intervene on his behalf, only to be told that the town’s name didn’t matter, and the word “gay” was offensive in any context. This is important to know since Microsoft changed the Live policy earlier this year and made it okay to express your sexuality in your gamertag or profile. Whoops. It finally took being brought to the attention of Stephen Toulous, director of policy and enforcement for Xbox Live, for this matter to be resolved.
However, if you live in Bryanisadouchebagville or come from Rickisacharterneonaziburg, don’t be surprised if your info comes under scrutiny.
We’re not gonna necessarily say that people in West Virginia are stupid … BUT.
Tough times are hitting everyone, even politicians. What, you thought they had it easy since all they do to get a job is get elected? Friend, how wrong you are. Between the late night gab sessions at their congressional sleepovers and baby-kissing, it’s a cutthroat world that they work in. You’ve got to find a bill that you can attach yourself to quickly in the hopes that it can somehow validate what your voters did for you, and there are only so many scapegoats that you can create as villains. With that said, here’s a quick study to help you out, all based off of West Virginia’s State Delegate Jeff Eldridge:
1. Find an easy target. Maybe you married an all right (aesthetically) woman from high school and your kids will now never win a beauty pageant. Perhaps you were told that you’d never be an astronaut, just a house maker. Who cares, right? It’s time to select that scapegoat and ride it to the pony! Using Eldridge as our example, we suggest you use Barbie. Yes, the plastic doll. She’s such a harlot.
2. Nail all the easy points regarding how evil your scapegoat is. Again, using Eldridge as our example, remember to say such points like:
“I just hate the image that we give to our kids that if you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful and you don’t have to be smart,” Eldridge told West Virginia news station WOWK.
It’s strongly recommended that you avoid or glaze over real points regarding your actions, such as how this could actually be good for stimulating our economy when you’re asking for the outright ban of one of the most profitable toys of all time. Or, you know, why the use of government is needed to regulate a child’s doll. Or, what you can do to get jobs to your state.
3. ??????
4. Profit (and by profit, we mean get reelected).
But, man oh man, is it still ever just wrong. And outside of West Virginia no less? Unheard of.
A court ruled this week that a man who sodomized a sheep will not have to register as a sex offender because the sheep cannot be considered a victim of sexual assault under Michigan law. We hope that after the injured livestock gets back on her feet she organizes a protest—or at least buys the dude a box of inflatable sheep sex dolls, or maybe just becomes an anti-bestiality activist.
The guys can only hope that the man was using some truly brutal interrogation techniques on such an obvious war-time opponent. After all, love cannot bloom on the battlefield.
Criminals take note: farting on a police officer can add some serious charges to your list.
In West Virginia, a man was stopped because his car had no headlights on at night. The cop reported the driver, Jose Cruz, 34, was slurring his speech and smell of alcohol. After failing sobriety tests, Cruz was arrested and and taken to the police station for a breathalyzer test.
Just before he took the test, police say Cruz leaned in close to his arresting officer and farted on him, then fanned the air toward him. In addition to being charged with driving under the influence, Cruz was charged with battery of a police officer.
“The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons,” the complaint alleged.
After a night of drinking, we know how that can be.
In a move that must make abstinence-only education proponents proud, the Amish have boosted their human production by 130 percent over the past 16 years.
With their new numbers, they are now colonizing new states, including Arkansas, Colorado, Maine, Mississippi, Nebraska, Washington and West Virginia. If you live adjacent to any of these states, prepare to be invaded!
Should the Amishification of America continue unabated, mechanized construction equipment will become obsolete. Milk will be kind of yellowish. The barstools will be very nice. And a little thing called the Internet will become the exclusive playground of hedonisitic Europeans, Asians, Australians, Africans, South Americans, the rest of the North Americans and those weird Antarctagonists.
This blog, for one, welcomes our neckbearded overlords.
We already have enough problems dealing with the animals we know about, yet for some reason, people are convinced that there are bigger, scarier animals out there that will be ready to eat us. Sometimes these people are driven warriors trying to root out threats, other times they are godless homosexuals.
An expedition that set out into the wilds of West Virginia (which is a vague term, the whole state is pretty much uncivilized and uninhabitable) to find evidence of Bigfoot. And what do you know, they found some! What are the odds of people under the guise of science going out to seek unlikely results, find some and draw an immediate conclusion?
They found some tracks and heard weird sounds at night. Folks, this is evidence enough for this blog. It’s time to hit these large-footed bastards where they live. Let’s nuke West Virginia!
Remember when bathroom tissue was called “toilet paper,” or when prisons became “penitentiaries?” Well, the PC police seem to be at it again, in of all places, West Virginia.
There, the new owners of a 19th century hospital that has held many titles, have changed the name of the building back to the “Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum.” This is causing a stir with people who find that term for the mentally ill, or as medical books refer to them, “nutsos,” is rude and should not be revived.
This blog must defend the new name. It is well documented that insanity comes from looking at the moon too much, which is where the term “lunatic” comes from. To deny this simple fact of god-fearing science is to deny reality. Or perhaps it’s the “asylum” part they find offensive. Should the crazies not have a safe place, or asylum, from the world? Shame on you, liberals!
One thing all parties agree upon is that watching West Virginians attempt to spell Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum should be a lot of fun.
