Foolish scientists teach orca to speak English

Researchers spend countless hours every year observing animals to try to understand how they communicate. And aside from a few bird owners, no one has bothered trying to teach animals how to talk like us. Until now.

Wikie the orca has learned how to imitate certain sounds, including the word “Hello.” Researchers say they taught the beast how to say a few different words to demonstrate the species’ mimicking abilities. Of course, they forgot that they were teaching English to freaking killer whales. Once they know what we’re saying, there’s no doubt they will use it against us. The only consolation we have is that Wikie lives in an aquarium in France, where her skills won’t be of much use.

The up side is that Wikie was also taught how to mimic fart noises incredibly well.

Hey, we have an actual battle to tell you about!

You know that show Whale Wars on Discovery? It’s kind of creepy watching species traitors defend whales from the valiant Japanese warriors who are conducting research. Well, next season should be an interesting one.

First off, Bob Barker (yes, that Bob Barker) donated $5 million to the Sea Shepherds, the anti-whaling group the show follows. So they bought and named a boat after him. Then they got a third boat, only this third boat was in fact Batman’s boat. OK, well it was close, it blew circumnavigation records out of the, well, water.

On the first trip out with the Bob Barker and the Ady Gil (?), better known as the Batboat, the whalers ended up ramming the speed boat and slicing it in half. If only they had used the Bat Anti-Whaler Spray.

Victory in the courts at long last!

The Guys would like to thank all of you who turned out with us to picket the U.S. Supreme Court over the past month. We are pleased to announce that the court has ruled in our favor, which means the U.S. Navy can use its radar during training missions, regardless of how many whales, dolphins and porpoises are killed (and we hope that it is many).

The species traitors at the Natural Resources Defense Council argued that the solar posed a threat to marine mammals, who would hear the radar and become disoriented and probably die or something. As we have chronicled, the case has been bouncing around the legal system for more than a year. Finally, justice has been service in a 5-4 vote.

From the court decision:
“Of course, military interests do not always trump other considerations, and we have not held that they do. In this case, however, the proper determination of where the public interest lies does not strike us as a close question.”

We’re not really sure what “peace” the judges are talking about. This nation is at war with the beasts. However, we’ll take a decision in our favor any day.

Calling all warriors in the nation’s capital

It seems like it’s been a while since we have had any news on the whales/U.S. Navy battlefront. Today, we bring good tidings, the U.S. Supreme Court has agreed to hear the case of the United States v. Free Willy.

To catch everyone up, species traitors have claimed that the U.S. Navy’s sonar on its submarines confuses and kills whales. (That’s the whole point!) First, a federal judge ordered the Navy to stop using its sonar that could kill marine life. Then, a Circuit Court judge said they could use the sonar, screw the marine life, before taking it back and saying the sonar had to go.

Finally, we are reaching the court that understands us like no one else. Best yet, it’s the Highest Court in the Land, and it has a couple appointees from the pro-sonar Bush administration. They seem to be a bit confused right now, so let’s all head down there and picket the court until they deliver justice!

UPDATE: Justice is served

This will surely brighten up your morning: the humpback whale calf in Australia has been killed, after a swift trial near Sydney.

We told you Wednesday that it was facing such a penalty and we are please to announce that the legal system works indeed. It was reported shortly after our Wednesday story that the calf, which Australians named Colin, as a mockery, attempted to escape during the night. The whale could not out swim the long arm of the law, and was recaptured and executed like the criminal it was.

The last meal was said to be plankton.

In other news, the Olympics are one of the most sacred traditions of professional sports. It is a time when countries put aside their squabbles (except for Russia) and compete on a level playing field, the field of sport. Leave it to the animals to try to ruin an event of such goodwill for us.

It was announced yesterday that four horses were suspended from the Olympics for doping. The animals, likely involved in the equestrian events, hail from Norway, Ireland, Brazil and Germany. Clearly this is a sign of a more organized effort on their part to sully the Olympics once and for all.

As punishment, all four horses were euthanized on the track Eight Belles style.

Suckle on a harpoon, baby whale!

Australia takes yachting very seriously. Since they are an island nation, they are all about boating whenever they get the chance. This means there are strict laws when it comes to boating, including trying to suckle a yacht.

This is somewhat of a rare crime, it has not happened since the swinging 60s, but now a suspected humpback whale calf is facing the death sentence for alleged multiple offenses

You are probably expecting this blog to go on a tirade about how that whale and all other whales deserve to die, well you’re wrong. We believe that the death penalty is immoral. Besides, it costs taxpayers more money in appeals than a life sentence does. you’re damn right we believe that whale deserves to die, and we hope it burns in hell.

The War on Toddlers

Whales are more of a nuisance than anything. They keep beaching themselves or dying of shock from the U.S. Navy’s submarine sonar. But now they are being compared to toddlers.

Yes, toddlers, those freeloading brats. They are poor with language skills, manners, personal hygiene and they are needy–just like whales. And like toddlers, whales are doing exactly what they are not supposed to do: swim toward a big ship after it makes sounds trying to shoo the pesky whales away.

Don’t get us wrong, we are happy to see whales willing to off themselves for our cause, but they are the kamikazes of the ocean. Each sliced up whale results in damage to the ship, which means the cargo is slowed, which means you cannot buy it as rapidly, which slows the economy, ultimately costing you your job.

The War on Greenpeace

When it comes to the War on Animals, some countries just get it. Japan by no uncertain terms is one of those countries. Species traitor organizations like Greenpeace have complained the country is not honoring an international whaling ban treaty. Japan, hiding a harpoon behind its back, says it has no idea what the hippies are talking about.

Recently, a fleet of whaling ships set out to antarctic waters to hunt down the enemy where it lives (at least part of the year, whales are a migratory species, after all). The good news: they got over 500 of the bastards. The bad news: they were aiming to get closer to 850. The ships were harassed by Greenpeace and other organizations, which prevented a total victory.

We need to hit Greenpeace and hit them hard. We’re not really sure where this terrorist organization is headquartered, or who its leader is, but we will find them and chase them down, preferably with harpoons.

They are helping each other!

This blog talks about it, surmises it and even reads between the headlines to find it. But there is no denying it this time. The animals are working together.

In New Zealand, two pygmy sperm whales (you can tell they are pygmies by their short stature and nose rings) lay beached on … well, a beach earlier today. Then a bottlenose dolphin came up and showed the disoriented whales the way back to sea. There is no denying they are on the same side and are trying to save each other for some massive attack that is coming very soon.

It should also be noted that there were human traitors trying to rescue the whales.

“‘They kept getting disorientated and stranding again,’ said Smith, who was among the rescuers. ‘They obviously couldn’t find their way back past (the sandbar) to the sea.'”

Yeah, well that’s when you let beaching whales lie. If they are too stupid to find water, something which they call their home their entire lives, then it’s time they become seagull food.

Warrior of the Week

It’s not often entire countries get behind a movement enough that one can associate the whole nation with that particular cause. This week, The Guys are proud to announce one country has done such a thing for the good of the War on Animals. That country is: Norway!

One lobby group has come up with a slogan so genius, it could become the war’s rally cry, or simply just make people’s heads explode. Their slogan: “Eat whale and save the planet.”

You read that correctly. A pro-whaling lobby group is trying to convince Norwegian lawmakers that it is better for the environment to eat whale meat, than to sustain cows, chickens and other livestock, with the intent to kill them for their meat. This blog think the argument is retarded, but will fully endorse any chance to wipe out the whale population once and for all! Perhaps the U.S. Navy could lend a hand.

In other European aquatic animal-related news: scientists have found the first-ever six legged octopus. Henry the octopus hexapus is in England. Why not call it a sexapus? Because “Sexapus” is the name of my upcoming debut album.