Hippy gets lucky

The controversy over whaling practices are a big deal in Japan, and around the world. But one New Zealand protester took things to the extreme, and now he’ll be serving jail time for it-but not enough of it. Peter Bethune, 45, was accused of trespassing, forcible obstruction of business, assault, property destruction, and violating the firearms and swords control law.

Bethune pleaded guilty to four out of five charges, with the exception of the assault charge, as he claimed it was never his intent to hurt anyone. Bethune allegedly worked with members of the Sea Shepard Conservation Society, and launched a bottle of butyric acid onto the deck of the Shonan Maru No.2, the security escort ship for the fleet, on February 11. On February 15, Bethune cut the ship’s net with a knife and boarded the Shonan Maru No.2.

Apparently, due to admitting his guilt in most of the charges and expressing “deep regret” for his actions, Bethune’s prison sentence was suspended from five years down to two. That’s essentially a slap on the wrist and weird math.

I’m all for protesting for most things that make sense, but once you get to the point where you’re launching acid, and boarding ships with knives, then yeah, you probably deserve to go to jail. Or become a pirate. Whichever comes first.

If you can enforce a ban, you can enforce a quota

The International Whaling Commission (don’t let the name fool you–they’re ag’in’ whaling) is offering a truce to longtime animal warriors Japan. Instead of continuing their outright ban, which the Japanese dodge by calling their kills “science,” the IWC might permit them to limited whaling with as-of-yet undetermined quotas.

How do the Japanese justify killing the better part of 30,000 whales, the majority becoming food, since 1986 as science?

1) Food science is science. It’s science that you eat. Without out it, there would be no Twinkies, Cheez-Whiz and other “foods.” It’s only a matter of time before the Japanese discover a fish-like substance that tastes like whale.

2) Less whales equals more Japanese people. The world’s seaweed and tiny gross fish supplies are running scarce because whales eat it all. What will the Japanese eat if they can’t cut it up and tie it to rice? Spaghetti-Os?

3) The best technology comes from war. We’re at war, but the Japanese are facing a giant, intelligent foe that may use language to coordinate its underwater convoys. Therefore, any weapons they develop for whaling will lead to peacetime innovations like odorless braces and typhoon guns.

Hey, we have an actual battle to tell you about!

You know that show Whale Wars on Discovery? It’s kind of creepy watching species traitors defend whales from the valiant Japanese warriors who are conducting research. Well, next season should be an interesting one.

First off, Bob Barker (yes, that Bob Barker) donated $5 million to the Sea Shepherds, the anti-whaling group the show follows. So they bought and named a boat after him. Then they got a third boat, only this third boat was in fact Batman’s boat. OK, well it was close, it blew circumnavigation records out of the, well, water.

On the first trip out with the Bob Barker and the Ady Gil (?), better known as the Batboat, the whalers ended up ramming the speed boat and slicing it in half. If only they had used the Bat Anti-Whaler Spray.

UPDATE: Justice is served

This will surely brighten up your morning: the humpback whale calf in Australia has been killed, after a swift trial near Sydney.

We told you Wednesday that it was facing such a penalty and we are please to announce that the legal system works indeed. It was reported shortly after our Wednesday story that the calf, which Australians named Colin, as a mockery, attempted to escape during the night. The whale could not out swim the long arm of the law, and was recaptured and executed like the criminal it was.

The last meal was said to be plankton.

In other news, the Olympics are one of the most sacred traditions of professional sports. It is a time when countries put aside their squabbles (except for Russia) and compete on a level playing field, the field of sport. Leave it to the animals to try to ruin an event of such goodwill for us.

It was announced yesterday that four horses were suspended from the Olympics for doping. The animals, likely involved in the equestrian events, hail from Norway, Ireland, Brazil and Germany. Clearly this is a sign of a more organized effort on their part to sully the Olympics once and for all.

As punishment, all four horses were euthanized on the track Eight Belles style.

Be swell, harpoon a whale!

We’ve mentioned the fifth columnists that would betray the War on Animals in this blog before.  However, they have now taken over the media.

Animal Planet will run a new series called Whale Wars, which follows the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, a group of animal lovers that hinder the Japanese warriors who put whales to good use: powering lamps and curing erectile dysfunction.

We’re shocked at this staunch betrayal by Animal Planet.  In the past, they’ve entertained us by forcing puppies to play in each others’ filth (Puppy Bowl) and with comedies like Animal Police.  The latter shows police catching people who don’t know how to kill their pets and just let them starve.

It’s obvious there is a liberal bias in the media, but we must remain vigilant in the War on Animals.  Those traitors activists will thank us when they can leave Antarctica.