Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 2)

Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.

The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Maybe you’ve seen it in your tour through Ron Paul’s breast pocket?

To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.

Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. Last week, I explained the executive branch. This week, it’s the legislative branch. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 2)

Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.

Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.

We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.

And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.

It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins