Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, when people do awful things to beer, like dying it green or dropping a shot of whiskey into it. Or both. But this year, there are some new awful things you can do to your brew.
Have you ever ordered a pint, looked at the head and thought, “I wish there was something witty written there?” You’re in luck. Now you can print images and text on the foam of your beer with Beer Ripples. Our suggestion: “I’m Not Usually A Beer Drinker.”
And for those who want to take a sip of a pint and look like they had a lap dance, there’s glitter beer. Some breweries are offering brews with edible glitter in it. The best news here is that when you have the beer s&^ts the next day, you’ll sparkle.
Affordable health care? Improving public education? Bah, those are unimportant things we’ll get around to fixing. But threaten to lower the alcohol content in Maker’s Mark, and America will fight you.
Last week, Maker’s Mark, makers of Maker’s Mark bourbon, said it would be temporarily diluting its product from 90 to 84 proof in order to keep up with soaring demand. That’s when the people fought back.
Even though the dilution was promised not to affect the taste, drinkers took to the internet, demanding their hootch stay at the same level. On Sunday, Maker’s Mark announced that they scuttled plans to dilute any more bottles.
Let’s stagger on to Jack Daniel’s, citizens!
In late April, McDonald’s Japan opened its largest branch in Harajuku Omotesando. The store is approximately 795 square feet and can seat up to 328 hungry customers. Very soon the restaurant will also have its very own cafe, where customers will be able to order coffee right down to the most specific of desire.
According to reports, the Harajuku Omotesando branch was designed to appeal to a more adult and trendy demographic than usual, which seems to be a recurring trend with fast food restaurants in Japan these days. The going rumor is that it will try to compete with a KFC that serves whiskey.
We at SG know the only smart way to do that: more whiskey and booze.
It’s all over, folks. There is nothing left to explore. There are no new wonders in the world to discover–at least when it comes to alcohol. And it’s all the New Zealand Antarctic Heritage Trust’s fault. (Side note: Is there an Old Zealand?)
The trust found the fabled lost whiskey of Sir Ernest Shackleton, which has been mellowing in the permafrost for a century. One can imagine it’s quite smooth at this point, more importantly, it was the booze of the famous explorer. Apparently the whiskey was sitting underneath Shackleton’s hut in Antarctica. The bottles were still in their boxes.
From what it sounds like, they’re not even planning to open them up and enjoy the liquor of a great man. What a waste. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I am now a broken man
We know there’s a horrible tragedy going on in Haiti. We’re not ignoring it by not posting, we just don’t see the humor in such a situation. So we’ve struggled to find an angle on the whole thing, and now we have it. Ladies and gentlemen, SG is here to inspire your Monday morning.
Days after the search and rescue missions for earthquake survivors ended in Haiti, a man was found beneath what was once a hotel. Keep in mind, he was found alive 11 days after the earthquake, generally, people die after less than a week of food.
So how did he do it? He survived on food and drink left in the rubble from what once was a shop. Namely, he lived on candy, crackers, soda, beer and whisky. Yes, whisky.
Remember, everyone, booze can safe your life. It makes miracles all the time.
Kirin is not one of my favorite beers. It’s not too dry and it’s not too dark, and while it’s not the perfect amber that I usually order, it still gets the job done. I tend to prefer my beer a bit heavier, along the lines of Killian’s or a Sam Adams (Summer Ale FTW) but it’ll do in a pinch. I’m also not too particularly fond of Suntory whiskey, though I admit that I rarely get a chance to partake in mainly due to it’s not exactly something that every liquor store carries in stock either. God knows mine doesn’t.
But, maybe that’ll soon change.
It was announced recently that Kirin and Suntory have begun talks, hoping to merge the two companies and form the fifth largest food company in the world, which puts the company in league with the likes of Kraft and Pepsico Inc. How is that possible? Kirin actually owns a number of companies which distribute food and alcohol throughout Australia and Asia.
While the deal isn’t solid yet, Kirin is already working with Suntory by expanding distribution and procurement. This means that you’ll probably be seeing more of that Japanese whiskey making it’s way stateside in the future. Maybe. Hopefully.
Remember those tornadoes that ripped through the South earlier this week, and how our own Rick Snee whined about nearly being killed by one? Turns out, if he really was scared for his life, all he had to do was start drinking the nearest bottle.
That’s exactly what one Tennessee man did. James Kruger was up late watching the Super Tuesday results on television when he saw a tornado warning for his county. Among his other preparations, he took a shot of whiskey. As soon as he took the shot, the tornado hit his house. He hit the ground and prayed for his life.
“Lying there, everything in the house flew over him, scraping and banging his back, Kruger said. Then the chaos stopped. ‘I was laying in the dirt. There was no floor. No nothing.'”
That’s right, there was no nothing left but Kruger and his buzz. Why was he saved? Most likely, because of the drink. Alcohol has been known to have strange powers over otherwise physical realities. It has the ability to play with the time-space continuum, prompting many philosophers to ask, “How the hell did I make it back here last night?” and “wasn’t she prettier when I was drunk?”
However, alcohol even has the power to inspire the evil genius inside us all. The drink inspired one man to threaten to blow up the city of Brisbane, Australia. The obviously inebriated man had a standoff with elite police units ranting about, amongst other things, that he had a device to trigger bombs all over the city.
That device? A television remote control.