It gets worse. In the U.S., which we don’t need to tell you is still in a craft beer renaissance, beer volumes are dropping because we’re not drinking as much. Over at Big Beer hegemon Anheuser-Busch Inbev, only Budweiser and Bud Light were able to stop the freefall they’ve been in for years.
The good news is that more Americans appear to be drinking liquor again, especially whiskey.
Citizens of the world, The Guys need your help. The brewers and distillers, heck, maybe even the winemakers, of the world are making booze for us to drink. Those bottles aren’t going to empty themselves. Let’s get to work.
The guys are all about fighting The Man, unless it’s us, and we’re also no strangers to bourbon. That’s why we’re in a tough spot on this one.
Workers at the two Jim Beam distilleries are set to go on strike, which means we could be facing a shortage of the famed bourbon. The union rejected a new contract, and some say the workers are timing the strike for the fall and winter, as production usually ramps up from the slower summer months. For you, this means there could be a shortage of Jim Beam.
So run out and buy a case or two. Or switch to Jack Daniel’s.
You’d think that, were there a World Whiskey Day, it would be on May the Fifth to help us all come down from an entire day of Star Wars puns. You’d tell your friends, “May the fifth be with you,” do a shot and, if there’s still any of the Force left in the room, cut off their arms because “Jack doesn’t like you; I don’t like you, either.”
Well, there is a World Whisky Day (“whisky” being British for “too drunk to use superfluous vowels for once”), but it’s on the third Saturday of every May. So, uh, May the Twenty-First be with you.
Since we’ve missed the past 30 or so years, we have a lot of making up to do this Saturday. Blackout your calendars accordingly.
Like a lot of people, The Guys like bourbon. And apparently we’re not the only ones, because there’s a black market for the stuff.
In Kentucky, authorities have arrested workers at the Buffalo Trace and Wild Turkey distilleries in connection with a series of bourbon thefts going back the better part of a decade. The theft ring may even be responsible for the theft a year or so ago of cases of Pappy Van Winkle Family Reserve, the holy grail of bourbons.
Now that cops have found some of the stolen booze, it has to be destroyed under state law. A classic case of blaming the victim. #saveourbourbons
This has got to be a weird time to live in Massachusetts. In the past two weeks, the Boston area got an entire season’s worth of snow, and it’s still shut down for the most part. On top of that, they’ve got the circus of the Aaron Hernandez murder case just getting underway, and the jury selection for the Boston Marathon bombing is happening. And let’s not forget about the New England Patriots winning the Super Bowl, and the parade through the snow-filled streets of Boston. If you were a shark dancing out of sync this week, odds are you missed it.
‘To Kill a Mockingbird 2,’ this time it’s personal
This week, it was announced that after the better part of a century, author Harper Lee will publish another novel. “Go Set a Watchman” was written before “To Kill a Mockingbird,” and is about Scout’s return home as an adult to visit her father. The book was never published, probably because the other book did so well, and we weren’t all sequel crazy back then. Rumor has it that it’s going to be a reboot of the beloved franchise, with an all-female cast, including Atticus Finch and Boo Radley.
Williams under fire for not being under fire
NBC News anchor Brian Williams apologized this week for his erroneous recounting of a helicopter flight early in the Iraq war in 2003. He said during an earlier broadcast that his helicopter had taken fire, and thanked one of the soldiers who kept him safe on that flight. As it turns out, his helicopter was never shot at, much less hit, leaving many to doubt his accounts of anything. It was also discovered that his daughter, Allison Williams, cannot, in fact, fly.
Women wet whistles with whiskey
According to a recent report, vodka sales are slumping here in the U.S. two years in a row, and it’s probably because more women and drinking whiskey instead. This is great news for gender equality. After all, a woman should be able to ramble on about how her life is a disappointment, just like a man.
We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.
At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.
Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.
In case you’re not sick of him already Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition
We’re this close to a John Wayne-themed bourbon. We just have to wait for the Wayne estate’s and Duke University’s lawyers to finish fighting over trademarks before we can finally drop shots of The Duke into glasses of Fess Parker wine.
Duke University is suing to protect their trademark, which they believe a whiskey named “The Duke” would violate, even if it was John Wayne’s nickname (the man was renown for his spectacular dumps) and the label features him and not a blue devil.
To confirm Duke’s lawyers’ fears, The Guys are a little confused about the brands, mostly because we all minored in whiskey while in college together.
Before we get started, this may end up being the last You Missed It you see for a bit. I’m getting married next weekend, and leading up to that I will almost certainly not have time to tell you all about the news you failed to read. That’s too bad, because I was really looking forward to coming up with fresh soccer jokes. Maybe someone will cover for me next week, maybe they won’t. If you were busy winning a lawsuit for the use of your song in a commercial this week, odds are you missed it.
Germany has lost its mind for soccer
If you’re reading this, there’s a solid chance you’re an American, and thus, aren’t really familiar with the World Cup traditions. Apparently, national teams usually have a slogan and ad campaign going into the tourney to get their home country fired up. (The U.S. team’s slogan: “Thanks For Letting Us Play in a Game, You Guys.”) This year, Germany’s is about each player giving his heart for “the cause,” which never sounds good coming from Germans. Adidas’ campaign for Germany features players holding out hearts–actual cow hearts–as an offering. Guys, we need to keep a close eye on the Gerrys.
It’s enough to drive you to drink
Folks, are you sitting down? Good. I’ve got some bad news for you. Maybe you should pour yourself a drink first. If that drink you poured is whiskey, you’d better enjoy it, because there’s a national whiskey shortage right now. According to the Distilled Spirits Council, whiskey consumption has grown in the U.S., and distilleries are having trouble keeping up with demand. Best of luck to you all in surviving the upcoming riots.
This week, the CIA joined Twitter and tweeted out its first tweet. Now it will be a lot easier to tell if spies are following you.
Whiskey is delicious. Pork is delicious. And now, a group of geniuses have made the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of food.
I mean, booze-food.
The people at Templeton Rye Distillery, located in Templeton, Iowa, are hard at work merging pigs with whiskey … while the pigs are still alive. They’ve taken just over two dozen piglets, born at the beginning of the year, and working to have the swine taste like their signature product. Somehow, this does not involve the pigs getting blitzed! Instead, they’re being fed a grain used in the whiskey-making process.
We expect the fools at PETA to protest, but those losers weren’t exactly known for their taste in alcohol as it is. TRD, you can put us down for some of the final product when it’s for sale.