It’s the dog days of summer. I don’t really know what that phrase means, sort of like “the ides of March.” Anyway, there is such a thing as the dog days of summer, and this is it. And usually there’s not a ton of news out there. But that’s certainly not the case this week. If you were busy being accused of holding women captive in a cult-like atmosphere this week, odds are you missed it.
Spice put on ice
This week, Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.
President Donald Trump this week nominated climate change denier Sam Clovis to the USDA’s top science position. “Hooray,” cheered cows across the country, whose farts represent the largest U.S. emissions of the greenhouse gas methane.
Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.
Hi guys, so I won’t be doing this next week, because it’s the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, and I think we all know that you won’t be reading. Like you, I’ve got plans for the long weekend, and they involve driving long distances and probably sitting in a decent amount of traffic both getting there and coming back. Maybe if there’s a huge backup we can all get out of our cars and have an impromptu picnic like people do. I’ve always wanted to be in one of those. If you were busy falling off the stage during your band’s first gig of the tour this week, odds are you missed it.
Channing Tatum in: White House Drone
This week, Secret Service agents detained a man who they said was flying a drone near the White House, less than a day after the FAA declared Washington, D.C. a “no drone zone.” The man was released and given back his drone after he informed authorities that it was “opposite day.”
Voice actor Harry Shearer announced that after some 25 years, he is leaving The Simpsons. He voiced dozens of characters on the show, including Ned Flanders and C. Montgomery Burns. The announcement prompted the internet to simultaneously state that it hasn’t watched that show in years, while hoping that new actors are hired so that the show doesn’t go off the air.
Aussies value the safety of their sheep
The Australian government threatened to put down Johnny Depp’s dogs this week. The actor is in the country filming the next Pirates of the Caribbean film, and brought his two Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, in violation of the country’s quarantine laws. Luckily, Depp had them flown back to the U.S. before the Aussies destroyed them. Australia should be more concerned with the public health risk Depp himself presents. Mordecai, The Lone Ranger, Dark Shadows and The Tourist? That man is box office poison.
No, they haven’t hit the bottle again while watching Blazing Saddles, foiling terrorists by sending them to a fake White House. The Secret Service just thinks it would make more sense to train in a facility that actually resembles the place they defend every day. This would be a substantial upgrade over
‘… a parking lot, basically,’ said Joseph Clancy, director of the Secret Service. ‘We put up a makeshift fence and walk off the distance between the fence at the White House and the actual house itself. We don’t have the bushes, we don’t have the fountains, we don’t get a realistic look at the White House.’
We fully support this idea and believe construction should begin immediately. But, no Irish!
Two U.S. Secret Service agents reportedly collided their car into a White House barrier Wednesday night. According to House Oversight Committee Chairman Jason Chaffetz (R-UT), the agents were partying in Georgetown to celebrate a Secret Service spokesman’s retirement (too soon, apparently) until called back to respond to an incident at the White House.
Alcohol is suspected as a factor, which isn’t much of a secret considering that these are the same barriers that the Secret Service set up in the first place. At this point, the only secret that the Secret Service has kept protected is that they graduated from the police academy back when Commandant Lassard was in charge of it.
In other news:The Guys are definitely becoming U.S. Secret Service agents.
The hot new trend in Washington, D.C. is to hop the White House fence. It’s the federal equivalent of running on to the field during a baseball game, except the security is in better shape and more heavily armed. But lately those in charge of keeping the presidential mansion safe have gotten heat for some big failures.
Most notably was Omar Gonzalez, a mentally ill veteran, who got into the White House and sprinted into the East Room, before an off-duty Secret Service agent tackled him. A guy wearing a Pokemon hat hopped the fence a week earlier. And in June, a toddler squeezed through the fence and wandered around before she was wrangled in.
The Jim Beam commercial with Mila Kunis is supposed to be sexy and make me want to buy bourbon (as if I didn’t already). It doesn’t really have that effect on me. In it, she tells the camera how awesome bourbon is while wielding hot and sharp metal objects, and brands one barrel of Jim Beam with her name. She then threatens the barrel that she’ll be back for it in four years. This doesn’t seem like the place for an expectant mother. Guess she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore. If you were busy announcing a Baywatch movie this week, odds are you missed it.
On the next episode of Dallas
The Ebola outbreak in Africa has killed hundreds and sickened far more in Africa. It’s the worst outbreak ever. But Americans were safe from the virus until a man in Dallas was diagnosed with it this week. He told doctors over a week ago that he was feeling sick and had traveled to Africa, but was sent home with antibiotics instead. Now about 100 people, including school children, are being watched after having contact with the man. Everything really is bigger in Texas, including the f*%#-ups.
In the line of fire
This week, Julia Pierson resigned from her post as Secret Service director following a recent batch of security lapses in her agency, including a crazy guy with a knife getting all the way to the East Room after jumping the White House fence. Her testimony before a Congressional committee and her resignation were translated by the crazy guy who made up sign language at Nelson Mandela’s funeral.
His eyes were glassy from pool water
Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps was arrested and charged with driving under the influence in Baltimore this week after police caught him speeding early Tuesday morning. The incident isn’t Phelps’ first run in with the law. It’s not even his first DUI. Because of his legal problems, his sponsorship deals have gone from Wheaties to Beerios.
When did Shark Week become a national holiday? Discovery’s long-running TV “event” is at the point where it’s getting spoofed by other networks, and memes are being created to celebrate its arrival. For example, Comedy Central has been celebrating “Shart Week,” airing episodes of classic shows that revolve around poop gags, and there are quite a few. And of course we just had Sharknado 2. This year, it doesn’t seem like anyone cares about Discovery itself. Maybe that’s because they kicked things off with a huge lie last year. If you were busy preparing for two different hurricanes this week, odds are you missed it.
The biggest outbreak of the Ebola virus on record is upon us, with more than 1,000 confirmed cases, mostly in western Africa. Two American aid workers were among those to contract the virus. Both were flown back to the U.S., and are undergoing experimental treatments in Atlanta, because there’s no cure. The fact that the two stricken Americans were flown back to the U.S. for treatment drew ire from noted dumbasses like Donald Trump, and the hospital where the patients are being treated has even received threatening phone calls. Is there any chance we can aim this disease at just certain parts of humanity?
What would Jesus tweet?
This week, Pope Francis told a crowd of altar servers in Germany not to focus too much on their gadgets. Sure, technology is meant to improve our lives, but what it really ends up doing it causing a distraction from the world around us, he said. The altar servers nodded at the pope’s point, then went back to SnapChat.
The world waits because of a toddler
President Barack Obama was set to announce to the U.S. and the world, why he had ordered airstrikes on ISIS positions in Iraq, and how it totally wasn’t going to be another war, but his speech was put on hold Thursday night. Outside the White House, a toddler squeezed himself through the bars of the fence on the North Lawn and started running around. Secret Service officers secured the kid, but the White House was put on lockdown during the incident. It’s safe to assume that the boy and his family are now in Guantanamo Bay.
It’s tough when something goes viral that is clearly just crap. Sometimes friends post headlines with things like, “After this, she did WHAT?!” and it ends up being a woman getting food spilled on her, then calmly walking away. This week, we had the “selfie,” with Queen Elizabeth. A couple girls took a “selfie” (it’s not a real word, so it doesn’t deserve to be treated as such) hoping to get the nearby Queen Elizabeth in the background, and OMG, they did! That’s totally a photobomb, right? No. It’s a picture of someone in the background who happened to look in your direction when the photo was taken. If you were busy winning the beat your wife lottery this week, odds are you missed it.
Snoop in the White House
This week, Snoop Dogg (or is it still Snoop Lion?) said that he smoked weed in a White House bathroom. On the latest episode of his online show GGN: The Double G News Network, Dogg said that while visiting the White House before an event last December, he said he needed to use the bathroom, and needed to light a match when he was done. Secret Service said lighting a paper napkin would be OK, so he instead lit a joint. Was Snoop telling the truth? Take a White House tour and try it for yourself this weekend.
Marching band has an O-H face
Jonathan Waters was the band leader of the (The) Ohio State marching band until he got booted this week for “highly sexualized” environment and hazing. According to reports, the band had sexual nicknames for most of its members, for example, “Jewoobs” and “Tits Magee.” They also had midnight band marches in their underwear. Why didn’t that iPad commercial have any of that in it?
Who are these people that like Jar Jar Binks?
Just in time for Comic-Con, the annual convention in San Diego about anything companies want to create buzz about, regardless of whether they have anything to do with comic books, FiveThirtyEight released a report finding that more Americans approve of Jar Jar Binks, from the Star Wars sequels, than Congress. Apparently, 29% of Americans approve of Jar Jar Binks, while only 12.1% like Congress. No word on what this means for the approval ratings of Binks and his fellow legislators in the Galactic Senate.
Another April Fool’s Day has come and gone. Did you get fooled? Actually I don’t care. One day a year, everyone thinks it’s a good idea to stop accidentally spreading misinformation on the internet, and take a day to willfully spread misinformation on the internet, because it’s funny. Actually, it’s just annoying. All your female friends on Facebook announce that they’re pregnant, like they did last year, and actual news outlets get caught thinking outlandish falsehoods are actual news. I like you better when you’re calling each other Hitler while discussing peanut butter brands, internet. If you were busy announcing your retirement from The Late Show this week, odds are you missed it.
This controversy brought to you by Samsung
One of the worst things about the age of camera phones is the selfie. People hate it when you post them (unless there’s cleavage), it’s a scientific fact. So it makes sense that Samsung is using the selfie as part of its marketing campaign. When your world champion Boston Red Sox visited the White House this week, slugger David Ortiz took a selfie with President Barack Obama. Naturally, it was a stunt by Samsung, allowing people outside of New England yet another reason to hate the Red Sox.
‘LOL, James Franco thinks I’m cute’
Elsewhere on the internet, James Franco found himself in hot water this week. Franco, 35, (He’s that old? Jesus.) Flirted with a 17-year-old Scottish girl who met him at his Broadway show. He asked her how old she was, whether she had a boyfriend, and if he should get a hotel room. He even sent her a photo of himself to prove that it was really him hitting on her. Naturally, the girl told everyone about it. Once again, selfies are a bad idea.
Will legislate for food
Rep. Jim Moran, D-Va., said that he believes lawmakers should get paid more. He said that while they make $174,000 a year, many members of Congress have to rent small apartments in the out-of-control Washington housing market. Moran said it’s gotten so bad lawmakers can barely afford the hush money for their mistresses.