Tag: wife

Jesus may have gotten booty, put a ring on it

In keepin’ with today’s Talk Like A Pirate celebration, ye might be thinkin’ that Jesus isn’t what you call “piratical.” But, he drank, hanged out on fishing boats and healed cripples, albeit it not with pegs and hooks.

So, with his pirate credentials smartly established, let’s look at his wife.

What vexes ye? Oh, ye didn’t know about Jesus’ wife? That’s because some university researchers just discoverrred an Egyptian text that makes reference to her. Feast yer deadlights on our Coptic copy right here:

“Jesus said to them, ‘Take the parable of my wife … please! Ha ha, just kidding, but seriously …'”

If it’s true and Jesus was married, then one thing’s fer certain: there be a ton of priests smacking their foreheads this morn’, wonderin’ why they’ve been buggering lads the whole time.

You get one free maiming like your driving test, right?

Speaking of women getting shot in the legs, another one took a bullet at — of all places — a gun safety course in Virginia. The instructor told police that he had just left the room when he heard a gunshot. One of the students had shot his wife in the leg, but made it look more like an accident by sending the bullet through his own leg first.

It appears that gun owners are taking the open War on Women a little too seriously. If only women would learn that we’re like mama bears, and you don’t get between us and our ammo cubs.

You’re doing it wrong

There are many different ways to have sex. The Kama Sutra lists hundreds of sexual positions, and that number is doubled if you add “in pudding” to each of them.

But, if your game includes a gun–and you’re not biatheletes–then perhaps it’s time to scale things back.

Arthur Sedille, 23, admitted to police that he killed his 50-year-old wife during sex while holding a gun to her head. Sedille claims that he was unaware that it was loaded and that they had used it often during fantasy sex sessions.

If the only way to get menopausal juices flowing is with a gun, then, son, you married too old.

(With special thanks to Sarah Lena.)

Take it from Snee: A few more things

As I established last “lightning round,” there are certain thoughts I have that don’t really make an entire Take it from Snee. They’re just ideas I save up from stories I read and, when the week’s particularly slow, I just ejaculate them into one gonzo post.

So, enjoy my brain ejaculations.

I promise to avoid your hair and those pants that are dry clean only. But you’re on your own for your eyes. You don’t like this? Keep ’em shut. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A few more things

Take it from Snee for Christmas, Hanukah, etc.

Halloween is less than a week into the ground, which means that it’s already Christmas in the malls and strip clubs of America. (Sure, they say “holidays,” but the only store with blue lights is K-Mart.) Why do they start so early? Because some people actually buy gifts that early. Crazy, I know?

The rest of us wait until the last minute because, well, giving isn’t about me. The only thing I give on a regular occasion is this column. But, as I mentioned before, I’m trying to be a better person … at least until I get my presents. So, in this vein, I’m trying to say that it is always better to give than receive, even if the other person doesn’t really want it.

What I’m talking about are gifts that make you feel good for giving them, but the receiver never wanted.  Call ‘em gag gifts or messages, who cares? You gave, and now you feel better. Continue reading Take it from Snee for Christmas, Hanukah, etc.

Update: Georgia to plagiarize killer professor’s grave

As we reported earlier this week, police found the corpse of George Zinkhan in a grave he dug and covered with brush before shooting himself.

While most believe it was suicide after killing his wife and two of her theater associates, there’s also the less popular (or, our) theory that he was making his own tiger trap.

Now state and local officials have almost reached an impass about what to do with his body. Zinkhan’s family hasn’t claimed his body despite repeated calls, and after a certain point, even the morgue decides a body stinks too much.

So, unless somebody steps forward, he’ll be reburied in a “pauper’s grave,” begging the question: and they dug him up why?

Oh, that old joke

Believe it or not, ancient civilizations were not just about wrestling nude or growing bitchin’ goatees. The ancients also seem to have had a sense of humor. So much so, that researchers say the world’s oldest known joke dates back to 1900 BC, to Sumeria. Stop me if you’ve heard this one:

“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

Now that you are done rolling around on the floor, let us analyze this joke. First off, it shows us that humans have loved toilet humor since long before there were toilets. Because of this, we should call it something like “hole dug in the sand humor.” Secondly, it shows us that while evolution may only be a theory, the evolution of humor is a law. Here is how we would say it today:

“My wife was sitting on my lap the other day (I know it seems strange, but she’s half my age, I’m 26, by the way) and she farted. Now, it took all the self restraint I could muster not to throw her across the room in digust. It got me wondering, does this happen to everyone?”

How To: Control that man o’ yours

We’re not going to name any names, but there’s a concern that a certain lady running for president can’t control her husband, who was also once president. It’s a sensitive situation, so we’ll call them Hilda and Billfred to preserve their dignity. When Hilda commented that she can control Billfred, it caused a lot of people to wonder if it’s possible to control any husband, much less Billfred. To help you proud owners of men, The Guys got together to write how to control that man o’ yours.

Continue reading How To: Control that man o’ yours