Bouncing metal is pretty historically factual

Just about everyone’s shot a gun, in some form or fashion, at some point in their life. Maybe it was a real gun. Maybe it was a fake toy gun. Maybe it was you shooting a target on your screen with a Wiimote using the virtual equivalent of a gun. Nonetheless, you shot a gun. Whether you were steady and true in your shot, that’s a different story. Me, I’ve shot my fair share of bullet based projectiles in my life, all the time with horrid attempts at accuracy.

Still, if was using a Civil War era cannon, I’d like to say that somehow I don’t think I’d be unlucky enough to make the cannonball bounce off of a hill and go through my neighbor’s house.

Even genies in bottles get bruises

Oh no! Song singer Christina Aguilera hit her hand while playing the Nintendo Wii. It gets worse. She apparently bruised herself. The horror.

I don’t think you heard me.

THE HORROR!

Ahem. Yes. Well. Showbiz Spy brings us this tragic, tragic story, wrought with pain and suffering and even more pain:

“Christina loves her Wii as a fun way to do a little work out,” a source said. “Now she’s a mother, it’s perfect for her. On this one occasion she and Joel were in the middle of a particularly heated game of tennis and Christina came off a little worse for wear in a run-in with a table lamp. She has a bruised hand but is more upset that she lost the game!”

Cancel her cameo appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards! All tour dates have been canceled! Whatever our we to do?! Christina needs some serious recovery time. She doesn’t only have a bruised hand, but a bruised heart for losing that game.

You know what happened when Bryan McBournie hurt his hand playing with his Wii? He used the other hand. You know what happened when I hit my hand against a wall while playing Wii Sports a year or two ago? I shrugged it off. ZOMG OH SNAP I JUST THREW THE DRUMSTICKS DOWN ON YA CHRISTINA!

We’ll take that back, thank you

The corporate world can get down right nasty. The trademark and copyright industry can be even nastier. If you take something that belongs to someone, be prepared to pay, no matter who it is. Even a company that’s currently putting an image of “Happy Fun Time We Are Nonthreatening.”

Like Nintendo.

Nintendo found out that a small dental firm in Malmö, Sweden, “Wii Smile”, had been using the name, and threw their lawyers of doom at the partners, forcing a change. One of the firm’s two partners, Christer Wihlborg, claims innocence, saying that his name starts with “Wi” and there are two owners, which apparently led to a completely independent and innocent decision being made about the surgery’s name. Of course, that doesn’t really work, considering that “Wii” has been a trademarked name since 2006, a year before the firm came into existence.

The weirdest part though? Nintendo says that the only reason they’re taking legal action is (other than the whole trademark and the total same names thing) because they claim the original 2006 trademark applied to not only home video game consoles, but dentistry as well. Yes, you read that right: dentistry.

Be prepared in late 2009 for the next great party game, “Super Mario Cavity Search.”

Wii would like a jail cell

Mohamed Zeki Mahjoub is an Egyptian who received political asylum in Canada, and then was imprisoned as a terror suspect for his close ties to Osama bin Laden’s business and other unsavory folks. After six-and-a-half years in “Guantanamo North” (what do they do, poutine-board you?), he got his release, but a judge imposed some strict requirements on him, still finding him to be a risk to Canadian national security.

Among them: no Internet access. Since the Wii has a connection and a browser on board, bye-bye Mario Kart! Somehow, despite Nintendo’s super-junked up online code system, it’s theoretically possible to send a message to fellow terrorists. The authorities confiscated the console.

Mahjoub says that this, along with other onerous conditions of his release, has destroyed his family life, so he’s asked to be returned to the prison Canada set up in Ottawa to house terror suspects.

Nintendo: making the world better for possible terrorists, one Mii at a time.

Oh yeah, there’s other games too

It’s OK to admit it. You’ve probably had it with the mainstream press. All the time it’s “Waggle bowling this” and “Wiggle bowling strike WOW!” that. And it’s not just regular people-more of ten than not, it’s scenes of octogenarians Wii Bowling every time they want to talk about the successes of the Wii. Apparently so have they.

So the press has moved on to Wii Boxing.

Change is coming, and not just soon in the White House. Bloomberg would like you to know this by first giving you a touching scene of sweaty old men virtually pummeling one another, then moving onto some of the hard numbers:

In San Bernardino County, 350 people aged 58 to 85 have participated in six-week fitness classes at senior centers since July, underscoring how the Wii has expanded the market for Kyoto, Japan-based Nintendo.

U.S. retailers have sold 15.4 million Wii players since the console was introduced in 2006, according to research firm NPD Group Inc.

The 8 million purchased through 11 months of 2008 exceeded the combined total for Microsoft Corp.’s Xbox 360 and Sony Corp.’s PlayStation 3.

That’s a whole lotta Depends. Nonetheless, be careful out there youngsters. Aggressive seniors are on the prowl!

The Oval Office gets a square console

STOP THE PRESSES! STOP THE PRESSES! ZOMG, WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS!

In an article in the New York Times in which our soon-to-be President predicts a Florida win over Oklahoma in tonight’s BCS championship game, it is revealed that Barack Obama’s daughters received a shiny new Nintendo console when Santa Claus visited this year. And by Santa Claus, I mean the taxpayers.

“Mr. Obama said he’d have his hands full attempting to rescue the American economy. But he has gotten in a little practice in bowling lately on the Nintendo Wii his daughters received for Christmas. Mr. Obama, who famously struggled in bowling during last year’s Democratic primaries, said he performs better in the video game.”

That’s right people: the soon-to-be-President of the free world is a Nintendo fanboy. Prepare for Reggie Fils-Aime to become Secretary of Meat.

Wii would like to program

The Wii–it’s that other console that you play every now and then eight months after finally buying one. Yeah, the hard drive is super tiny, the game selection of good to bad is a ratio that you don’t want to know, it’s not formatted for a high definition world and waggle is just plain bad.

But.

It does have its purposes, here and there. And who is it that has managed to find a way to use the Wii properly? Why, it’s our good friend science!

Yes, the newest foray of the Wii outside the world of games has to do with a research project being conducted at Rice University, which hopes to find a way to use the Wiimote to control robot teachers. Oh yes, you heard that right. Our robot teachers. You see, science has finally done something to truly further mankind–we’re using their own technology to educate ourselves, thus putting our eventual robot overlords to good use. Take that, turkey!

Led by Rice professors Marcia O’Malley and Michael Byrne, the project plans to analyze motion using the controller and then compare it to an advanced capture device from Vicon. Whatever that means. Viva la human-lucion!

Connecticut official narcs on most awesome game ever, dude

Are you a minor that needs to learn how to be cool? Are you a floozy on summer break who misses the stale beer stench of a dark frat house basement? Is beer pong just a little too real for you? We have the solution!

It’s “Frat Party Games: Beer Pong” for the Nintendo Wii!

But wait, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal is here to totally break up your party, brah. He is making JV Games Vice President Jag Jaeger (yes, Jaeger) un-pop his collar and change the name to “Pong Toss,” because an alcohol-themed game available to teens is “inappropriate.”

How else are they going to learn the rules of the game?

Blumenthal also put JV Games on double-secret probation.

War at home and abroad

Tennis is not only one of the games you can play on a Wii, it is one of the most popular racket-based sports in Western culture (right after racket puck and racket futbol). But in England, one of the sport’s most hallowed events, Wimbledon, is under attack by pigeons.

Yes, pigeons like to land on the court during matches, but the Brits have a solution that we proudly endorse: shoot the bastards. That’s right, snipers will be employed at Wimbledon to take out pigeons before they can land or make one of their treacherous carpet bombs all over your shirt. If that does not work, we recommend calling in sportsman and proud warrior Randy Johnson.

Here at home, Americans are being attacked doing things we all do regularly. For example, checking the mail can even be dangerous. A New Hampshire woman received quite a shock when she found a non-poisonous corn snake in her mailbox. Worst of all, it did not have the required postage. We all know gerbils are sneaky, lethal pets ready to snap and maul the children. In Utah, a gerbil is being blamed for an accident when it escaped from its cage as its teen owner was transporting it in her car. Two people were sent to the hospital, the gerbil has yet to be charged.

How To: Get in shape

The trees are budding, the temperatures are rising and the birds are singing. This can mean one of two things: 1) you are fighting off a delusional fever or 2) it’s spring time. For argument’s sake, let’s go with the latter on this one.

Because it’s spring time, you have probably realized that it’s time to shed your winter coat of blubber that has kept you warm all winter and helped you save money on the heating bill. The Guys are fitness buffs, as we have shown already. So now we are here to show you how to get in shape. Continue reading How To: Get in shape