British ambassador escapes wild boar attack

When we see animal attacks on mankind, the incidents tend to be limited to one country, and involve common folk, rather than leaders. Folks, we may be seeing an escalation.

In Austria, a British ambassador escaped an assassination attempt by a wild boar. Leigh Turner, the U.K. ambassador to Austria, was exploring a nature park in Vienna when he came across a group of wild boars. Though he tried to verbally parry his way out of the situation, the beasts would have none of it. One of the boars charged at him.

Luckily, British ambassadors are in shape. Turner was able to climb up a tree before the boar reached him. He sustained minor injuries from his impromptu climb.

It is clear the animals want to cause international incidents to throw us into chaos. We must be vigilant.

Get your own beer, boar!

Folks, we all know that animals are a threat to our safety, but it turns out that more importantly, they’re a threat to our booze.

In Australia, a wild boar got into some brews at a campground. By “some” we mean 18 beers. The beast then drunkenly went on a rampage, even fighting a cow, because apparently they have those at Australian campgrounds.

Of course, we know that cows and beer don’t mix, either.

Pig Watch 2014

The great state of Hawaii, specifically its capital of Honolulu, is currently being besieged by a pig. What. A. Pig.

The island paradise — known for being, well, an island paradise — has seen a large, fully grown¬†wild boar traipsing about, threatening the pets of homeowners, damaging their property, eating their fruit and attacking people. It’s turned a dream into a nightmare!

Friend of The Guys, Robbie Zahn: we call upon you to take your spearfishing ways onto the land and save the city of Honolulu. Let this post be our Shobijin that we sing to you. May you be the Mothra that saves us all.

Boars, thrills in Germany

Slices of a boar that went buck-wild in a Hoehr-Grenzhausen butcher shop are up for sale. The boar pushed through the door of the shop, scared away a customer and inflicted 5000 Euros-worth of damage before having the bad form to bleed all over the floor.

As if that weren’t enough, Munich’s train station had a naked Australian infestation. The Sydney Streaker was foiled by a wet floor and slipped even though the stick figure on the caution sign was also not wearing any clothes. It just shows that you can’t dress up stupid.

King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!

The United Kingdom is known for many things, particularly its lack of animals due to excessive hunting over the past several centuries. (Nicely done, by the way.) For example, wild boars had been not so wild in England for roughly 300 years. Now they are back and the world isn’t the same as it was in 1710.

Aside from the fact that we wear cooler pants now, the forested areas are more developed, and rather than outlaws or merry men living in the forest, free from the law, actual citizens live there now, but the boars from free of the law. The boars have been raiding “rubbish cans” as of late, as “rubbish” collection has been interrupted by the fact that the U.K. is actually having a winter for once and don’t know how to handle it.

But apparently the Brits can’t kill these things because they just got back in the wild again. Sounds like we need more outlaws in the forest.

The war to end all boars

This blog is still none too trusting of Germany. Sure, things may be better since the trial separation, but there is still plenty of time for its aggressive tendencies to make a comeback. That said, the War on Animals seems to be taking a dangerous turn: the enemy is helping local law enforcement.

German police were chasing a suspected car thief through a forest. They really were not sure if they could get to him in the darkness. Yet they ended up catching up to him quite easily. Why? Because the thief was stopped by wild boars.

Yes, the animals are now working with law enforcement officials, which is probably the cleverest move they have made yet. First, they are helping round up humans by humans, and secondly, they are gaining the trust of those in charge, perhaps earning some contacts or double agents.