Tag: wildfire

Smoking grass endangers humanity

Cheatgrass, seen here trying to light this human’s shoelaces on fire.

With all the wars that the Guys wage, we’re wary to start another one, especially one with plants. We don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they’re everywhere. Plus, what would we do without fig leaves on the eventual day that the Obama administration outlaws clothes?

But, grass — specifically, cheatgrass — has now been implicated as the culprit behind 39 of the 50 biggest Great Basin wildfires from 2000 – 2009. And if you think that cheatgrass is overall good with a tarnished reputation because of a few bad blades, think again. “The invasive [grass] covered 6% of the landscape, but 13% of the burned land, giving it an outsized role in the largest fires.” It is militant, it is invasive, and it doesn’t have the most trustworthy name.

Unfortunately, fighting fire with fire won’t work. Every time the grass burns, it clears even more land for its spawn, choking the life out of what could be a very effective parking solution for Reno and Salt Lake City. Maybe that’s the solution: we’ll pave cheatgrass, and put in a parking lot. (Do-ooo wop wop wop wop!)

McCain couldn’t even make it to 2012 before ‘confusion’

News Flash! from The Guys’ “Holy Crap, Did We Dodge A Bullet There” Department: Former Presidential candidate, suspected carnival pirate ghost and Sen. John McCain cannot fathom why people would be upset that he blamed a wildfire on illegal immigrants. Though McCain claimed to hear this from a forest service officer, the U.S. Forest Service says there is no evidence of this claim whatsover.

McCain then said, presumably sleepily, that he meant “that other fire. You know, the one started by the beaners …. What? You can’t say ‘beaners’ anymore? But that’s what Carlos Mencia says, and he’s a, er, Latin.”