Jive turkeys invade Boston

Turkeys are taking over Boston. And of course, conservationist traitors are just fine with it.

According to police records, complaints about turkeys in the greater Boston area have skyrocketed in the past three years. These earthbound birds walk around like they own the place and chase after any unarmed human who dares challenge them. Massachusetts wildlife officials say this increase means that efforts to bring back wild turkeys to the area really are working. But when it comes to human safety they stick their heads in the sand.

These things are regularly harassing people on their own property, and all these self-loathing wildlife folks can do is marvel at the foul fowl’s recovery.

Let’s all grab a musket and celebrate Thanksgiving in a more authentic way this year. For Boston!

Goldfish invade Australia

Australia is a downright terrifying place to outsiders. Pretty much every animal native to the continent looks like it’s a xenomorph, can kill you in a matter of seconds, or is a koala. That’s why it’s hilarious when our cute pets go over there and wreak havoc on their ecosystems. The latest threat: goldfish.

It looks like Western Australia is under siege by the cute little fish you win at the fair. Wildlife authorities are asking people not to flush their goldfish (assuming here that they mean living goldfish) because they are growing big and taking over waterways. Normally, goldfish live in freshwater, but they are somehow finding a way to survive in saltier bodies of water and threaten native plants and wildlife. The worry is that these salt-resistant goldfish are going to expand into other waterways and become a real problem.

So perhaps we shouldn’t be as scared of Australian wildlife as we are. Or maybe we need to be more afraid of stupid, puffy goldfish.

Invasion of the goldfish

Goldfish aren’t the most threatening-looking things on the planet. Some of them have big, puffy faces and seem to be barely able to move. But now they’re threatening a Colorado lake.

According to wildlife officials, someone probably threw some goldfish into the lake a few years ago, and they grew in number. Now, the domestically-created species of fish is threatening native fish, competing with them for food. Which has caused a concern for those nature-loving whack-jobs in Colorado.

If a goldfish can out-compete you for food, you probably don’t deserve to live in the first place.

Next we can spread rumors about them

Most animals don’t understand English (in fact, many speak Spanish), so we need to find other means of communication with them. Luckily for us, communicating during a time of war is as simple as a barrel of a gun. But sometimes it just won’t do to shoot the animal in question.

Such is the case in Colorado, where wildlife officers in Estes Park are dealing with a large crop of aggressive male elk. They can’t simply shoot all of them; what state can pay for all those bullets in this economy? So instead, they are doing the next best thing: sawing off their antlers.

Sometimes humiliating the enemy is more satisfying than killing him.