You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

I will be drinking every single one of these.
I will be drinking every single one of these in the next half hour.

And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.

January

Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

You Missed It: Crowded platform edition

This is how I was able to get through the debate.
This is how I was able to get through the debate.

I really hope we’re finally seeing the beginning of the end of superhero movies. The Fantastic Four reboot flopped last weekend, probably because it’s a bad movie. But part of me also hopes it’s that we’re just tired of the same stuff we’ve binged on for 15 years or so. Let’s be honest, Avengers 2 was mediocre. It was a jumbled mess, mostly because it had so many notes to hit, so many winks to every other Marvel movie or show, that it forgot to be fun. The only people I know who saw Ant-Man are admitted comic book fans. We just need a couple more of these movies to disappoint, and then maybe we can finally move on. If you were busy signing off from the Daily Show this week, odds are you missed it.

Grumpy old men
The top 10 Republican presidential candidates faced off in their first debate this week, and it was the circus we all hoped it would be. Donald Trump insulted random people and didn’t answer any questions, and everyone else just yelled their opinions when they felt like it. The three Fox News moderators asked the candidates questions regarding foreign policy, Obamacare, Planned Parenthood and God, and still took criticism from conservatives on Twitter. I’m starting to think I like reality shows after all.

Let’s see what celebrities are up to
This week, it was announced that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting a divorce, as are Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani. There was a rumor that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith were getting a divorce, but that ended up not being true. Jennifer Aniston married her boyfriend this week, and Lenny Kravitz accidentally exposed his member when his pants split during a show. So in all, it was a big week for 1998.

Failure to launch
According to a new study, more Millennials are living with their parents than they were just a few years ago. This seems to be despite an uptick in employment rates and the median wage for the demographic. This study was published in The Medical Journal of Reasons Not to Have Kids.

The McBournie Minute: Binge drinking and other signs of economic recovery

In 2007, or 2008, depending on who you ask, the bottom fell out of the U.S. economy, and the rest of the world came along with us for the ride. Since then, it’s been nothing but a stream of complaints from people who have lost their jobs, or recent college grads, who just realized this whole real world thing is, like, going to affect them.

But there’s great news, everyone, the American economy is back! Sure, you can listen to economists who said that the Great Recession ended a couple years ago, or you can try to wrap your head around the latest job reports. I’ve got a better idea. All you need to do is look around you for the signs.

Is America being America again? Is your office toilet paper a bit softer than it was? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Binge drinking and other signs of economic recovery

The SG Guarantee

If you’ve ever used the Internet read the news today, then you might be having trouble trusting what you read online. At least 17 percent of respondents managed to not lie to an online survey long enough to admit that they lie about who they are online.

If you think that number is low, be aware that this survey was conducted by Norton, who has a hard time tracking down viruses, much less people who lie about:

  • Having a 9-inch wiener.
  • Their time as an Army Ranger.
  • The research behind their paranormal studies/religious expertise/conspiracy theory.
  • Totally not using a Mac right now.

The Guys just want to reassure you right now that we are who we say we are: Will Smith’s backup dancers. To be honest, though, we didn’t all dance for him at the same time.

Cue X-Files theme song

A 2-ton object crashed to the ground in Mongolia. Nobody is sure what it is, so a report was sent in to MUFON, a UFO-tracking organization. Could it be something from a tangent universe? Or even as far away as-gasp-North Dakota?

The report states that two objects fell near the Mongolian capital on February 19. The first object, according to the report, weighed 10 kg, while the second larger object weighed “approximately 2 tons.”

Has anybody opened this thing up to see whether there are any aliens trapped inside? And if so, have they been created by a punch from Will Smith?

Take it from Snee: What this election really means

It is the dawn of a new day, a Wednesday, here in America, now that we have managed to elect a President for the 44th time in our history.

There were some among you who doubted it would happen — that the votes would be inconclusive because everyone voted for themselves. I am happy to say that this was not the case, and the nation will continue to have an executive branch for the next four years … despite everything that branch has done the past eight.

Of course, there are also some people who are trying to assign more meaning to this auspicious occasion than I’ve already mentioned above. They mean well, but — like most people who mean well — they are wrong. Continue reading Take it from Snee: What this election really means

You Missed It: Join hands and sing edition

Following a tradition going on for at least 15 years, Thursday was once again followed by Friday. That means we have reached the end of the week once again. If you were busy getting booed by protesters in the U.K., odds are you missed it.

Oui are in control
French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced on Tuesday that France would take a command role in North Atlantic Treaty Organization for the first time in 40 years. France left the command position in the 1960s after policy disagreements with the U.S. The reintroduction of France to NATO command means that the allied countries now have another military option in their repertoire: immediate surrender.

Cease in the Middle East
Israeli and Palestinian forces began a six-month truce this week and guns fell silent for the first time since anyone can clearly remember. The truce has been hailed as a sign of progress with peace efforts in the Middle East. Both sides said they were inspired to agree to a truce after watching You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.

Wait, there aren’t any lakes in L.A.?
After a six games, the Boston Celtics defeated the Los Angeles Lakers to win the (NBA) World Championship. The final game of the series was a blow out, but nonetheless, the postgame interviews were priceless. The best of all was the interview with Kevin Garnett, who told ESPN’s Michelle Tafoya “Michelle, you look great tonight, girl,” in between incoherent answers, shouts into the air and admitting that he is indeed “certifiable.” We are now more afraid of Garnett more than we were of Ron Artest.

Finally, a superhero movie this summer
Will Smith’s latest effort, Hancock, premiered in London earlier this week, but it is not scheduled to be released into theaters until July 2. Not much is known about the plot from the commercials, but SG has learned it is a biopic about founding father John Hancock and is seen as a cinematic response to HBO’s mini-series John Adams. In the movie, Smith portrays Hancock as a black, homeless, drunk superhero who is jaded by society but has the power to sign his name in really large letters.