Everyone knows that smoking is bad. Many people know that drinking and smoking is fun, but we now know that drinking when smoking can be good for you.
According to a published scientific study that has no chance of ever being pulled or refuted, if you drink a couple glasses of red wine before lighting up, you may block some of the damage from tobacco smoking. Turns out, red wine’s benefits on your cardiovascular system can block the short-term negative effects that cigarette in your hand will have on your arteries.
So smoke ’em if you got ’em, but knock a couple back first. We may be enablers, but we don’t want you to die.
After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!
You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.
I’m pretty sure I’m just watching The Walking Dead so I know what the hell people are talking about. I know it’s one of the biggest shows right now, but it’s felt tedious for about half of its existence. It takes place in a world where only whiny or awful people are able to escape the zombie apocalypse. The group we follow keeps running into bad dudes at the beginning of each season, so they kill them off and torch their homes in every season finale. Each time, the heroes get harder to root for. The show isn’t working toward anything. It’s just there to keep moving, which it is happy to tell us in the speeches its characters make 30 times an episode. If you were busy avoiding spoilers this week, odds are you missed it.
Oppressive government fails to convict those it oppresses
Remember that group of white guys that took over a federal wildlife refuge for no clear reason and even fewer supplies? You know, the ones who were so oppressed by the federal government that they took their rifles and played soldier on federal land for a few weeks? Seven members of Y’all Qaeda, including the Bundy brothers, were acquitted on federal conspiracy and firearms charges. Any moment now, Donald Trump is going to brag about the seven votes he just got.
North Korean flag not red, just wine-stained
This week it was reported that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has quite a taste for alcohol. A Japanese sushi chef who recently visited Kim said he is drinking and eating as much as ever. He even boasted of drinking 10 bottles of red wine at one meal. Many question whether Kim suffers from alcoholism, but the real issue here is who drinks red wine with sushi?
Jesus’ tomb to be opened
Researchers in Jerusalem are excavating part of the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, what is believed to be the tomb of Jesus. They hope to open the tomb and make it available for tourists one day. But if you read the book, you already know Jesus isn’t in there.
As if 2016 wasn’t bad enough, it looks like we’re going to be short on wine this year.
It’s been a bad growing season for vineyards around the world. Harvests in South America and France are both down because of weather. That means there will be 5% less wine made this year, which also means that 5% of wine drinkers are going to have to forgo wine this year.
It’s August, which means winter seasonal beers are just a few weeks away. But it also means pumpkin beers will be hitting shelves any day now. But it’s not good news for pumpkin beer lovers, they’re running low on pumpkins.
And in Europe, things aren’t looking so good for fans of bubbly. The Champagne region of France, which is coincidentally where champagne is made, has had a rough grape-growing year. Vineyards have suffered from rot, mildew and frost. That means it’s going to be a bad year for your favorite New Year’s beverage.
We don’t mean to be alarmist, but now might be the time to stock up on alcohol, you know, before everyone else cleans out the stores.
Hold your wine glasses a little tighter tonight. The streets of one French town ran red with wine, and residents are left asking why.
In the South of France, the town of Sete found one of its streets awash in wine for hours, and authorities are baffled. The flood of wine, several inches deep, came from the spilled barrels at a local wine merchant’s house. While officials have yet to name a cause of the incident, many suspect it is the work of a group of “wine terrorists,” a “Malbec Qaeda” if you will, who are against the import of goods to the area. Until this group claims responsibility, the French are forced to shake their heads and exclaim, “Sacre bleu!”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with wine is a good guy with wine.
Out of all the drinkers out there, wine snobs are the worst (followed closely by beer snobs and mixologists). They are so concerned about the wine they are ingesting, and making sure they correctly identify all of the correct notes, and agree with other elite wine drinkers on what does and doesn’t taste good, that they forget that it’s just booze.
That’s why we’re happy to learn that you can make wine without grapes, yeast, barrels, aging or anything else that you think goes into making wine. Ava Winery in California has made a synthetic wine using the correct amounts of water, chemical flavorings and ethanol. By doing this, you can make a wine with the same flavor profile as anything else out there.
Or you could just buy a box of wine and get over yourself.
We’ve been fighting the War on Animals for a long time. The goal isn’t to wipe animals off the face of the Earth, just mostly so. If we killed them all, we’d be forced to go vegetarian, and there is no darker fate. But now it seems that there’s one more animal we can’t live without: wasps.
According to a recent study, a species of yeast commonly used in making beer and wine can live and reproduce in the guts of wasps. Researchers say that there might be different varieties of the yeast because of cross-breeding inside the insects. Each yeast lends its own flavor to the alcohol it makes.
It seems wasps may be the drunkest species on the planet.
And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.
Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”
The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading →