A convenience store robbery isn’t particularly big news, not even in Russia. However, when the robbery involves an armored personnel carrier, it’s news.
In Russia, authorities say a man drove an armored personnel carrier (think a tank, but without the huge gun) through the front of a convenience store, then hopped out and stole a bottle of wine. Police say the visibly drunk man stole the personnel carrier from a nearby driver training course, probably made the early-morning robbery because the store couldn’t sell him booze at that hour, and he didn’t want to wait. The man was later arrested.
The real news here is that training courses in Russia have armored personnel carriers, and apparently they leave the keys in the ignition.
The Kiwis have come up with an ingenious idea, as long as you don’t mind a little hair in your drink. But it could be last call for a policy we need to adopt in the U.S.
Many New Zealand barbershops give complimentary glasses of beer or wine with a haircut. Yes, there is free beer served at barbershops. Customers can sip away while their barber does his or her thing. But now, the police are cracking down on this amazing policy, because someone out there isn’t happy with people boozing it up in that sort of setting.
The Guys have been around a while. We’ve never traveled to New Zealand, but it seems like news of such an awesome and apparently nationwide tradition would have reached us several times over by now. With Movember around the corner, perhaps we should plan a trip.
In New Zealand, a family was enjoying an annual trip to a mountain lodge, when an avalanche ruined things. The lodge wasn’t hit, and the family was safe, but the only road to and from the lodge was buried under a whole lot of snow. The family was cut off from civilization, and were told that crews would take a few days to clear the road for them again.
They didn’t panic, and told the media that things were going well because they still had plenty of wine. Always pack accordingly for your vacation.
Folks, we want our readers to be safe. Also, we don’t want to get sued for anything. That’s why if you’re one of our coastal Texas readers, RUN, BITCH! Hurricane Harvey is coming!
But if you’re dumb (and if you live in Texas, there’s a pretty good chance of that), and you decide to hang around for a Category 3 hurricane that’s supposed to just sit over your head for a week, grab some booze. That’s the advice Houston-area bars and liquor stores are giving, and the citizenry is listening. Beer, wine and liquor sales are way up ahead of the potentially deadly storm people should probably be sober for.
Key quote from a Houston bartender:
Regardless, if you’re craving hard liquor this weekend, Hunt suggests making a Greyhound, which is vodka and grapefruit juice. “It’s light, refreshing and simple. There is a hurricane happening! Ain’t no one got time for a complicated, multi-step process.”
Hunt says she’ll be drinking wine during the storm “and lots of it,” and suggests 19 Crimes Cabernet.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve had a few drinks, then you come up with a great idea but forget to write it down? From now on, you should have a paper and pencil with you, because drinking helps you brainstorm.
Queen Elizabeth II hasn’t had a job since her father died. She lives a life every little girl dreams of: living in a big, fancy palace with as many puppies as she wants. She’s 91 and still going strong. Is the secret to her longevity her access to first-rate health care and a lavish lifestyle funded by British taxpayers? No, it’s booze.
According to reports, the queen drinks four drinks a day. She drinks a gin and Dubonnet (a sweet aperitif) before lunch, a gin martini during lunch, then a glass of wine at the end of lunch. So she’s feeling quite jovial and it’s barely the afternoon. She then sobers up with tea in the afternoon and has a glass of champagne before going to bed at night.
That adds up to six units of alcohol by British standards, which the UK government considers binge drinking.
A long time ago, if you wanted to communicate with someone who wasn’t within shouting distance, you had to write something down and have someone physically carry your message to them. Think of it as e-mail, but without the E. And because of one of these cell phone-less text messages, we now know that soldiering in 600 B.C. was thirsty work.
In 1965, archaeologists in modern-day Israel found a shard of a pot with some writing on it. It turned out to be a letter from one soldier to another. (This was ancient times, and pottery was shattering all the time, so using shards for stationery was apparently a common thing.) But since the letter was more than 2,500 years old, the writing had faded a bit. Researchers using modern technology were able to uncover the previously hidden message and it’s a request for more wine. The letter also talks about other goods and a trade, but really hammers home that the author really needs more wine, and the recipient should be a chum and ship him some.
What’s even better is that the soldiers could be talking about beer, not wine. Grapes don’t grow in the Middle East, so it’s more likely that it was an alcoholic drink made from the grains that do grow there, maybe even honey. Translations of these ancient words were done centuries later by people who drank wine because trade was way better and it was a status symbol. They saw some ancient word for an alcoholic beverage and thought “wine,” when it was probably a drink closer to beer.
This shard could be evidence of the first beer run.
It gets worse. In the U.S., which we don’t need to tell you is still in a craft beer renaissance, beer volumes are dropping because we’re not drinking as much. Over at Big Beer hegemon Anheuser-Busch Inbev, only Budweiser and Bud Light were able to stop the freefall they’ve been in for years.
The good news is that more Americans appear to be drinking liquor again, especially whiskey.
Citizens of the world, The Guys need your help. The brewers and distillers, heck, maybe even the winemakers, of the world are making booze for us to drink. Those bottles aren’t going to empty themselves. Let’s get to work.
Teaching is hard work. Just ask any teacher, they will be happy to tell you about how underappreciated they are, and why they should be making more money. These people really enjoy their lives. And it’s because teaching is so hard that they should be able to drink on the job. But we don’t live in a just world.
Now, the spoilsports will point to the fact that the substitute teacher drank so much that she was throwing up, and had to be removed from class in a wheelchair because she was unable to walk, but we would argue otherwise. What better way to keep the youth of America from drinking than by getting wasted in front of them and puking in class. If teachers aren’t cool, then everything they do isn’t cool, including getting blitzed.