Think about a truck on fire carrying liquor. Rather sad, isn’t it? Now think about a truck on fire carrying wine. It’s less sad. Now imagine firefighters being attacked by corks from the exploding wine bottles.
Alcohol-induced sleep isn’t usually very deep, which is probably why you wake up tired. (You’ll have to ask Dr. Snee about that one.) However, some people are just deep sleepers. A French teenager is one of that fold.
It was there that a 19-year old got drunk, most likely off of wine or something. He got a little sleepy and decided to take a nap outside, his mistake was deciding to sleep on train tracks. As he slept between the tracks, a speeding train passed over him. The driver of the train saw him but was unable to stop the train for much longer. He did not wake up after the train passed over him.
“Roused by police and fire fighters who attended the scene, the young man gave a one-fingered salute before rolling over and going back to sleep.”
Sleep on, hero.
According to a story in the New York Times, grape juice has many of the same health benefits as wine (story after the ad). Now you maybe be asking yourself, “Hey! They said drinking wine was good for you, so why are they celebrating the fact that one can get similar health benefits from grape juice?”
Simple, dear reader: Wine sucks.
Sure, the ladies like it, and it is sometimes also Jesus’ blood, but if you think about it, wine is one of the lamest forms of alcohol out there. It colors your teeth, it makes you tired before it makes you drunk, and you are almost certain to have a headache in the morning, regardless of how little you drink. Worst of all, wine has an element of elitism not found anywhere else in all of Boozedom.
Some may see this as a blow to the argument that drinking can be good for you. Not the health buffs here at SG. We believe that this is some of the best news possible. Now you can cast aside your corkscrew and get the health benefits you really want from grape juice, which conveniently mixes well with vodka. This means that not only can you start feeling better, but you can also get crocked for less and with something you actually enjoy drinking.
The Guys suggest our own creation:
- Two parts vodka
- One part grape juice
- One part Sprite
- Served on the rocks in as large a glass as possible, garnish of choice is optional. Remember, eating fruit is healthy.
Side note: Will you people come back from Labor Day weekend and do insane stuff already? The news is slower than a three-legged mule.
We turn now to Paris, not because we want to, but because that is where the story comes from, of course. It has been announced that French scientists have discovered how to authenticate the vintage of wine.
Yes, the scientists have used a particle accelerator and X-ray analysis to figure out just how old that bottle of wine is. Because, you know, you can’t just look at the year on the label. The Guys are no conneisseurs of wine (we prefer grape flavored, if we must drink it), but does one really need to know exactly how old their wine is when it’s in a box?
Next up for the French scientists: how to be more pretentious.
Are you tired of rising gas prices? If you’re already following our tips but still just barely getting by, maybe it’s time to take advice from across the pond. Why not convert your car to run on wine (sort of what we had said)?
Prince Charles converted a car (probably not by himself) to run on biofuel made from excess wine. This makes sense for him, because he has never had to worry about money in his life, and probably has wine left over from all of the parties he and his sons throw.
The only side effect is that the exhaust turns pedestrians’ teeth purple.
This would never happen in Ireland, England or my local bar. Leave it to New Zealand to “mistakenly” serve dishwashing fluid as wine. While the restaurant is to blame, shouldn’t we place fault on the women who were drinking a bright blue merlot?
Though it may be the early morning, that is no excuse not to have a drink in hand, especially with the grim news ahead. Wine magnate Robert Mondavi is dead at the age of 94. The wine king is dead, long live the wine king.
Mondavi is largely credited with creating the California wine industry decades ago, and in so doing, inspiring Sideways. He started the industry by getting a wine recipe from a public library and selling his home brew. So have a glass in honor of the man, then make sure to brush your teeth, they’re red.
Wine is one of the snootier forms of alcohol (rivaled only by mouthwash). But it seems the wine industry as a whole is about to be shaken up a bit. In news we swear we aren’t making up, rapper Lil Jon will soon begin selling his own brand of wine.
Lil Jon, often seen with a pimp chalice, and well-known fan of the drink, apparently is not only drinking Crunk Juice or sipping on Cristal. No, it seems he often enjoys a merlot, the ballingest of the wine kingdom. The Associated Press story fails to mention a release date, but fear not, Lil Jonathan Winery (yes, that is really the name) will probably drop sometime this year.
His next venture remains open to speculation, but this blog is not willing to rule out shaving cream, toilet paper and of course, construction as possibilities.
“‘I’m not no “drink wine every day” kind of dude,’ he said in a telephone interview. ‘I’m not like an expert, so don’t ask me no questions … I just like the taste.'”
The Guys are all about women, especially the drunk variety. In keeping with news about boozy broads, we have another edition of Booze News that is all about those with two X chromosomes and a rather high BAC.
Thanks to Boris Yeltsin, it’s no secret that vodka is the favorite spirit of Russia. But did you know that Russian men seem to drink it more than Russian women? One distiller has seen this niche market and plans to tap it with new Damskaya, or “Ladies” vodka.
Dames: Are you heading out to the gym? Instead of some fancy sports drink or even water, why not bring along something that looks like water–vodka. Finishing off that salad lunch? Good for you, you’re so health-conscious. Time to celebrate with a nip!
Next up for the lady lushes is wine. We all know that only females and Frenchmen drink wine, anyway. A Dutch man, seen here looking like Saddam Hussein shortly after being captured, who makes wine, has insured his nose for $8 million. This will help keep him going in case something happens. Because, as you know, one drinks wine through the nose. Only peasants drink it through the mouth.
We begin this post with some very sad news from abroad. German beer sales are at their lowest in the past 15 years. Analysts are saying this means the German population is losing touch with its proud, beer-drinking culture. However, this blog suspects the Germans are merely busy preparing for other things. This blog suggests building and then tearing down a new Berlin Wall, so the Krauts have something to celebrate.
Now let’s head over to the States, where American drunkards refuse to let their need to bend an elbow get in the way of being responsible. A Wisconsin 911 operator, who no doubt is used to getting all kinds of unusual phone calls, got one that sets a new standard in drunken whoopsies: a drunk dial. A woman drunk dialed 911 saying she was took intoxicated to be driving. She said this as she drove along in her truck. Wonder how the cops knew to look for her?
“The woman’s boyfriend in the passenger seat suggested she call 911 to report her own drunken driving, so she did, Nehls said. The boyfriend was not driving, she said, because he was too drunk.”