The McBournie Minute: Recall Punxsutawney Phil and his cronies

The American people have a long history of taking people to task. If the public puts its trust in you and you fail, willingly or not, or you harm the country in some way you should have to answer to the people. It’s one of the things that makes this country so great.

For example, after years of stagnation and polarization, the American people had had enough of Congress’ inability to get anything done. That’s why last fall, true patriots went to the polls and re-elected nearly everyone who ran. The only way you were voted out was if someone more uncompromising was running. And so, we got a very public retreat from an assault weapons ban. Progress!

In this tradition, we need to hold accountable those who injure us in the most grievous ways. The people are coming for you, prognosticators! Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Recall Punxsutawney Phil and his cronies

The McBournie Minute: Don’t get excited

With the end of the holiday season, and the beginning of “Oh crap, we still have months left of this miserable weather” season, we often try to find things to believe in. We all need that thing to hope for, to look forward to, to get us through. It’s a stupid mental trick we do to ourselves.

It’s time we stop tricking ourselves into looking forward to things. It’s going to be crappy for a long time, and the sooner we all acknowledge this, the better our chances are of moving on. We don’t need winter escapism, we need to face reality and somehow make our peace with it. It’s unfair of us to put so much pressure on these things we hope for.

So I’m here to tell you why you shouldn’t get excited about things around the corner. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Don’t get excited

Only 112 days until Hypothermia Season!

For decades, retailers have moved Christmas earlier and earlier each year. Well, this is a recession, which means failing stores don’t get to set our calendar anymore. And who’s the only recession-proof industry? Medicine.

Which is why it is important that you panic about sledding injuries right now.

No, seriously. Drop whatever it is you’re doing that may be seasonally rational, go out to the shed and vulcanize all the sharp corners on your sledding hills. After all, what are you going to do when they’re covered with snow and it’s too late to be a good parent?

We’d also like to point out that if you’re just now preparing your Halloween Disaster Plan, then your children may have already been poisoned and lured into a Satanic cult. Way to sit on that until August, “mom.”

You Missed It: Coming in hot edition

Greetings from the worst winter our nation’s capital his had in 100 years! Yes, as I write this, I am braving out a storm that is supposed to put the snowfall for the winter over the top and make it the snowiest winter in a decade. On top of that, we are supposed to get nearly two fraggle-rocking feet of snow before it’s all over. Anyway, enough about me and my world coming to an end. Let’s get down to business. If you were busy partying with teabaggers, odds are you missed it.

A screeching halt
Remember the days when American car companies sucked and Japanese car companies’ profits soared? Things have changed. Ford now sucks slightly less, and Toyota has more or less crapped the bed. After that pesky gas pedal recalls that happened last week (months after a family was killed because of it), Toyota also issued a recall on the brake pedals of their Prius hybrid cars. The company said that owners can tell if they have faulty brakes if fails to slow from its top speed of 15 mph.

Mel Gibson would like to tell you how he feels about you
Actor Mel Gibson is mounting a comeback not only in the movie theaters, but in the headlines as well. Everyone’s favorite alcoholic member of Opus Dei had to explain himself when during a television interview with a Chicago reporter he muttered a word we can’t repeat here, but let’s just say it contained the words “ass” (which we can say) and “hole.” Gibson later apologized via text message, saying the comment was aimed at his publicist, not the reporter. He blamed the mishap on the Jews.

The beginning of the end of a show that will never actually answer anything
Lost returned this week to the delight of millions (including several people in my office). The show is now in its final season, with more mysteries than ever, like parallel universes, people who are dead and aren’t dead, and much, much more. In related news, I still don’t care about this show. World, please stop asking me my thoughts on it.

Important winter driving safety tip

It’s cold outside, as it pretty much is for the Northern Hemisphere every January. But here at SG, we want you to remain safe AND warm, which is why we are here to warn you that no matter how much sense it might make, no matter how tempting it could be, do not put a space (or “blow,” as they say in Europe) heater under the hood of your car to warm it up faster as you wait indoors.

A German man did just that, only to have his car explode, and the remnants of it burst into flames. So to review: oil and gasoline + space heater = no more car.

Randy buggers and right inclement weather

Winter sucks. It’s a fact. Another fact: Half the world is suffering through winter right this very second, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Here in the United States, we’ve been hit hard by cold weather and snow storms, but we’re not the only ones affected by the weather.

In the United Kingdom, people have been stuck indoors because they have gotten so much snow. And by so much, we mean millimeters, or whatever crazy measurement they use in that monarchy. So, what have English people done to pass the time indoors? They got online and went to a Web site designed for extra-marital affairs. (no, we’re not linking to it, you’re at work, remember?) received a record number of new profiles in a 24-hour period last week as a snow storm hit.

This apparently is a bad time to be married in England.

You Missed It: Gilbert’s got a gun edition

Hello again, everyone, and welcome to 2010. I’ve been waiting here for you for quite some time. Now that I have thawed my keyboard out in this country-wide cold snap we’re having. I am now prepared to tell you what you missed this year, one week at a time. If you were busy announcing you would not run for re-election, odds are you missed it.

The NRA should take on the NBA
The Washington Wizards’ Gilbert Arenas was suspended by the NBA this week after showing a gun in his locker to a teammate. In what may have been his last game of the season, Arenas gathered the team (the Bullets) in a circle during warm-ups and shot them all with his fingers. NBA Commissioner David Stern did not enjoy the gun show.

The case in favor of sterilization
Tila Tequila, who became “famous” for her MySpace page, and then later for being an attention/ actual whore on reality television shows, might be pregnant, according to her Twitter. Should Tequila actually be pregnant, there is no word yet on how long it will take her to push the child out of her Twitter.

They’ve weaved stranger things into the plot
White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said that President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address will not pre-empt the season premiere of Lost. He assured the legions of Lost fans that the speech will not happen on Feb. 2, the date the show is scheduled to return. In other news, this is really what our country finds important.

Never bring a gun to a snowball fight

As you may have heard, there was a big snow storm on the East Coast over the weekend. In Washington, D.C., this is an important thing, because you have national security issues to worry about.

So when a huge snowball fight in D.C. proper is advertised on Twitter, you know it’s time for the long arm of the law to roll in and put all that seasonal fun to rest. How do you get a large group of people to stop throwing (lame, fluffy, not the good stuff for packing) snow at each other? Well, taking your gun out is one solution. Unfortunately, the chief of police did not agree with the officer on that point.

“Let me be very clear in stating that I believe the actions of the officer were totally inappropriate!” said D.C. Metropolitan Police Chief Cathy Lanier.

She was so upset about the incident that she added the exclamation point to her statement, and later took out her gun to settle the press down a bit.

The McBournie Minute: Drunkard vs. Wild

I trudged on through the blinding snow. It was piling up by the hour, and conditions were getting worse all the time. I pushed onward because I had to make it to my goal, and make it to safety. I was out in the middle of a blizzard carving my own path in the ever-deepening snow. Somewhere far behind me my car lay buried. Everywhere, people found themselves stuck. I pushed on ahead despite the cold wind blowing snow down my neck. One thing and one thing alone kept me going: I needed bourbon.

Mother nature seldom shows mercy. She can come for anyone at any time. That is why you must always be prepared to survive when something bad comes your way. I consider myself something of a survivalist, though you wouldn’t know it by calm demeanor and desk job lifestyle. But when it comes to survival, I’m the kind of guy you want to have around.

This weekend, much of the East Coast was hit by a snow storm. This includes the greater Washington, D.C. area, where I live, only here they called it a blizzard. It ended up being one of the worst storm’s in the area’s history–well of the last 100 years, and even then, it came in as like third or fourth worst. Still, it was intense, man. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Drunkard vs. Wild

Snowdrift of the living dead

It’s been a while since we heard any news from the undead scourge. The winters normally cause zombies to go into a dormant state (you know, other than death), so they are not really a threat until spring. Some believe this is why we have Easter.

This is not a normal zombie case by any means. A woman was found in a snowdrift in Milwaukee frozen pretty solid over. Even a surgeon said she was “technically dead.” But once again, science interfered with God’s plan and she was brought back from the dead at a nearby hospital. The zombie claims to go by the name of Tia Ross, who was 25 when she was living.

Speak, zombie, speak!

“I was dead and he brought me back to life,” Ross said.

Doctors are unsure of when Ross will be released from the hospital to feast on the flesh of the living.