It’s winter here in the Northern Hemisphere, which means we don’t talk about sharks too much. Many of them have gone to warmer waters to eat those tasty Southern Hemispherians. But we’ve got good news out of Massachusetts: the sharks can’t handle the cold.
Remember the end of Jaws when Chief Brody blows up the the monster shark’s head by shooting the air tank in its mouth (spoiler alert)? The “bomb cyclone” is basically the air tank in this case. A frozen shark has washed up in Cape Cod, it’s the fourth such found over the past week or so. They have all been Thresher sharks, which are known as the wusses of the sea. Local researchers believe a pack of these sharks got caught in Cape Cod Bay and “couldn’t stand the wicked cold temprachas.”
So while you dig yourself out of the storm, think about the warm beaches and sharkless waters you’ll enjoy come summer time.
In New Zealand, a family was enjoying an annual trip to a mountain lodge, when an avalanche ruined things. The lodge wasn’t hit, and the family was safe, but the only road to and from the lodge was buried under a whole lot of snow. The family was cut off from civilization, and were told that crews would take a few days to clear the road for them again.
They didn’t panic, and told the media that things were going well because they still had plenty of wine. Always pack accordingly for your vacation.
It may be summer right now, but when the cold winter nights come back, what’s better than a good drink to warm you up inside? Researchers say that goldfish do the same thing.
According to scientists, goldfish and their wild cousins the crucian carp, have the ability produce their own alcohol, which allows them to survive in winter conditions. The fish can’t get rid of lactic acid in oxygen-free water because they can’t breathe. Instead, they convert the lactic acid into ethanol, and they can go for months like this.
The researchers found that the fish have pretty high blood alcohol content levels–so much so that they wouldn’t be allowed to drive in most countries. So remember, do not let your goldfish drive, no matter how much it begs.
Welcome to the worst time of year. The holidays are over, your bank account is recovering from the shopping binge, and the weather sucks. The weather’s going to suck for months because it’s the beginning of winter and there’s nothing to look forward to. Really, the only thing on the horizon is Valentine’s Day, and unless you’re a woman, it’s not something to get excited about. Hunker down, keep your whiskey supply up, and keep waiting for St. Patrick’s Day. If you were busy watching a crime documentary show this week, odds are you missed it.
Mourning in America
During a speech about gun control measures being enacted through executive order, President Barack Obama shed a tear when he mentioned the children who were murdered in Newtown, Connecticut three years ago. Conspiracy theorists say Obama wiped Bengay under his eye in order to coax out a tear for cameras. This is how bad the far-right internet has gotten: John Boehner can cry and lactate 20 times a day over nothing, but the president can’t get emotional talking about dead little kids. Wouldn’t it be easier to just call Obama out for being a robot sent to destroy America?
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb this week, but experts aren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marks another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
‘Dear Mom, camp is great. Send snacks.’
Militiamen continued their “occupation” of a small federal park building in Oregon in protest of land rights or something like that. But it turns out they didn’t pack accordingly. Dumbasses, who have threatened violence against authorities, have asked supporters to send them supplies, as they didn’t pack enough to keep them fed for a long stay. Chipotle has responded by sending all of its salmonella-tainted burritos.
Does anyone know who the Oscars are for at this point? Who is the target audience? I’m all for a celebration of good films, but it seems like most of the movies nominated these days are ones few people actually saw. It’s probably my fault I didn’t see more than a couple of them this year, but come on, did anyone see The Theory of Everything for a reason other than it was destined to be nominated? This year, I’m just watching for the Samsung product placement stunts. If you were busy watching a terrible sit-com end this week, odds are you missed it.
Winter will not go quietly
This week, a cold snap hit much of the East Coast and eastern Midwest, breaking record lows all over and generally messing up people’s lives. Boston got even more snow, and the mayor had to issue a warning for residents to stop leaping from windows into snowdrifts, as it could cause serious injury. To which Bostonians replied, “We weren’t trying to survive the fall.”
Rock the mic like a burglar
Speaking of cold, washed up rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested and charged with burglary in Florida this week. Authorities say he was filming an episode of of his home renovation show on the DIY Network, and broke into the foreclosed home next door. Police say he stole furniture, bikes, a pool heater and other random things. It’s sad that in a society as progressive as our, there are still people intentionally going to jail just so they can get a meal, isn’t it?
Sticking up for an alleged rapist is honorable now
Comedian Norm Macdonald tweeted this week that fellow Saturday Night Live alumnus Eddie Murphy declined to do a Bill Cosby impression for the SNL 40th anniversary special on Sunday night. He said Murphy “will not kick a man when he is down.” Cosby, on the other hand, is happy to mount a woman when she is down.
In the War on Animals, it’s not every day that we get support from local police forces, but today is one of those days.
The Merrimack Police Department in New Hampshire has issued an arrest warrant for Punxsutawney Phil relating to his recent forecast of six more weeks of winter. Authorities say the groundhog failed to disclose that six more weeks of winter would mean that New England would be buried in snow.
We can only hope the authorities in Pennsylvania will extradite Phil as soon as possible to ensure that justice is done.
It snowed on Monday, and people were mad about it. They weren’t mad that they were inconvenienced, they were mad that they didn’t get as much snow as predicted. And by “they,” I mean New Yorkers. It was huge national news this week that people who live in one metropolitan area were upset they didn’t really get snowed in. They expected the rest of the nation to care. I don’t understand New York. If you were busy stonewalling the media all week long, odds are you missed it.
Third time isn’t the charm
After months of speculation Mitt Romney said he will not run for president again. Romney said it was time for him to stand aside and let someone else have a try. Also, he didn’t like the idea of living in such a small mansion. That means the GOP field will likely have Jeb Bush, running on the platform of “My last name is Bush;” Chris Christie, a noted Cowboys fan; or Rand Paul, who hangs out with neo-Confederates and says crazy things. See you in 2016, guys!
Time to get the carpet cleaned
This week, actress Gwyneth Paltrow gave some advice for the ladies out there that doctors don’t recommend: steam cleaning your vagina. She said on her website, grossly named GOOP, that she goes to a spa in Santa Monica to get a special herbal steam treatment on her lady bits. She said it’s “an energetic release–not just a steam douche–that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.” You know, I wasn’t that hungry, anyway.
Scientists announced this week that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insist that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But I think we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves.
I’m not a huge fan of winter, since I’m not a kid, but this is my favorite time of winter. The hangover from the holidays is past, it’s too early to think about Valentine’s Day and it’s cold outside. The fact that it’s cold isn’t the good part, it’s that you don’t have to feel bad for not going outside, and no one really wants to be social right now, either. You can just sit inside, drink, and do whatever else you like to do while drinking. If you were busy considering a run for president this week, odds are you missed it.
Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
This week, the nominees for the Academy Awards were announced, and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards are white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”
Penn State gets back to looking the other way
Under a proposed agreement with the NCAA Penn State’s football team’s vacated wins from 1998 to 2011 will be reinstated, making Joe Paterno once again the winningest coach. For those of you keeping score at home, the punishment for molesting children is 30 years minimum in prison, and the punishment for allowing a sexual predator to molest dozens of children for decades by systematically sweeping problems under the rug is acting like you didn’t win some games for a little over two years.
Earlier this month, the new, Republican-controlled Congress began its first session, vowing to end gridlock on the Hill and show that the GOP can govern. House Speaker John Boehner today posted 12 GIFs of Taylor Swift in a snarky response to President Barack Obama’s plan for two free years of community college. When did Boehner hire BuzzFeed as his press secretary?
I was on the last leg of an eight-hour drive to Ohio back in September, looking forward to looking at anything but flat, straight, boring road. My wife was scanning the radio stations, because we’re the last people left who listen to terrestrial radio, when she came upon Christmas music. A station was playing nothing but Christmas music. Let’s remember this was September. I had a sudden urge to steer the car into a tree, but we were in Ohio farm country, it could have been hours before we saw tree for me to hit.
In my seething rage, I thought back to the column I wrote about Christmas songs last year, and I’ve been waiting to reread it ever since. (That’s right my complaint about hearing the same songs is itself a repeat, get over it.) I’m still really proud of it, and I think it’s way better than any “Christmas season gets longer every year” type of rants I could muster up this year. And judging from our site’s daily hit counts, a lot of you out there probably missed it last year, anyway.
It seems like winter has set in for much of the U.S. One day it was warm and sunny, the next temperatures dropped to near freezing, and some places even got snow. Forecasters are saying this cold snap could be hanging around for a while. It’s good to see that the real seasons are now operating on the same schedule as seasonal beers. If you were busy dangling on the side of the World Trade Center this week, odds are you missed it.
Attack on everything we hold dear
Photos of a nude Kim Kardashian appeared as a spread in Paper magazine, claiming it was attempting to “break the internet.” Folks, the world relies on the internet. It creates jobs, it makes markets run, it connects us to each other. It’s vital to the way we live. Kim Kardashian tried to destroy that for us. Lives could have been lost. We’ve got no choice but to declare war on her. Kim Kardashian must be held accountable for these attacks.
This week, the European Space Agency’s Philae probe landed on a comet after chasing it down for a decade. It’s the first time in history that mankind has ever landed a probe on something not the moon or Mars. Comet 67P/Churyumov–Gerasimenko was first discovered in 1969. It is estimated to be 3.1 miles long and 2.4 miles tall, which makes it roughly the same size as Kim Kardashian’s ass.
Russia’s natural enemy: the Gulf of Mexico
Russian Defense Minister Sergey Shoigu announced this week that Russian bombers will conduct missions that include flying over the Gulf of Mexico. He said that it’s important for Russian to maintain a strong military presence throughout the world, and they want to be ready to rid the world of Kim Kardashian, should she enter the Gulf of Mexico.