‘Hunters Needed: Inquire Within Wisconsin’

Wisconsin loves hunters, almost as much as bratwursts, cheese and the Green Bay Packers (they definitely rank higher than replacement refs). However, hunters don’t seem to love Wisconsin quite as much, though. This is a problem for the state, as it’s being reported in stats that 28 hunters can support 1 job, which is the oddest math that I’ve seen.

Nevertheless, the Department of Natural Resources is on top of the problem! They’re running a program called Hunter Challenge 2012, something like a recruitment drive for people that use deer urine and orange clothing. Best of all, the program will allow discounts on licenses, making our war against the hated animals that much more cost-efficient! Literally, more bang for your buck.

OHGODIMSOASHAMEDOFSAYINGTHAT

Remember to pick up the package

We’re definitely throwing the sexual innuendo and euphemisms in that title, people.

It’s cold outside. Really cold, in my case. While yes, it is the holiday season, more often than not, this can stress people out like you wouldn’t believe. But that’s okay, because some people are here to help us out, like David Goodman. A postal worker in Wisconsin, Goodman noticed that one stop on his route, a law firm, in particular, one select employee, was more stressed out than to be expected. Being a nice guy, he decided to spruce up their work day and give them a cheer-by delivering their mail sans clothing. What’s wrong with that, right?

Oy. Tons. Did you neglect the “law firm” part of the story? Another thing to consider-said employee that would greet him and was the target of the humor is a 21 year old female employee. Goodman was later arrested at the post office for lewd behavior.

Here’s a hint, old man: nudity in Wisconsin during December is not funny, it’s just unappealing.

We prefer gunmetal Friday, truth told

This year’s Black Friday seems to have been a bit more sedate than it has been in the past. There don’t seem to be any reports of super humongous violence for attendees outside of a scant few here or there. In my neck of the woods, I haven’t heard of any news of horror, despite rumors of around 700 people standing outside the local Toys R Us.

But not all Toys R Us are full of order and joy.

We bring you news of fear and terror from the scariest of all places-Wisconsin. While waiting in the cold for the Black Friday shopping joy, a woman from Middleton, Wisconsin, began pushing her way to the front of the line, allegedly threatening to show her gun as her “reason for being in the front.”

Of course, that was all for not, as no actual gun was found on her. Nonetheless, the lady found out that you can’t just say you’ve got a gun on you and still go to the front of lines. It tends to get you arrested.

Great Lakes gone to carp

The press is buzzing with what must be the most spell-checked story in the War on Animals. According to Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, the federal government is not doing enough to fight carp.

Gov. Granholm–along with the governors of Ohio, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin (commonly referred to as “the carp states”)–has asked the White House and the U.S. Supreme Court to shut Chicago-area locks. This strategy encloses the carp into a proverbial barrel for killing before they can reach the Great Lakes, which are only getting carpier and carpier by the minute.

Critics of the lock closing plan, including Assistant Secretary of the Army of Civil Works (the Fightin’ Civil Workers!) Jo-Ellen Darcy said the plan is total crap because the carp can still get pumped out of a Chicago station.

One thing’s for sure: unless we scoop these carp out of our water systems, we’ll be up to our armpits in it.

Magic missiles can’t save you from being shanked

Kevin T. Singer is currently serving a life sentence for murdering his sister’s boyfriend. He’s also challenging the prison’s rights to take away his Dungeons & Dragons. If you murder someone, isn’t that because of D&D, rather than playing D&D as a result of murdering someone?

Singer had been playing D&D with the coolest group of convicts in the Waupun Correctional Institute since 2002. In 2004, however, the prison banned the game after an anonymous inmate complained that Singer and his friends were forming a “gang” around the game. Which is understandable, as nothing says intimidation like an imaginary axe named Blood Saker that has a bludgeoning addition of +10. As such, his game and reference materials were then confiscated by prison guards, on the grounds that they promoted “fantasy role playing, competitive hostility, violence, addictive escape behaviors, and possible gambling”.

Singer appealed the prison’s decision, but earlier this week 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals rejected his pleas, on the grounds that “punishment is a fundamental aspect of imprisonment”. Saving throw failed.

The persistent wiener threat

We started off the week telling you about how the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile terrorized a Wisconsin neighborhood, so it seems only right that we get another tale, this time in Hawaii.

Apparently, the hot dog and bun-shaped motor vehicle was so ashamed of its Roethlisberger-esque incident, it had itself airlifted to the Pacific island state to get away from it all. But it ran into even more trouble. It seems the phallic car might be in violation of a state law banning vehicular advertising.

The complaint comes from, get this, an environmental group that hopes to ban the wienermobile from ever coming to  Hawaii again. That will probably go double for the bolognacycle.

Over 23,000 served

You think you’re loving it? Don Gorske of Wisconsin has eaten over 23,000 Big Macs since the burger’s inception way back in the olden days of 1972. Gorske, an unfathomable 185 pounds has claimed to eating two Big Macs and two parfaits per day. Ah yes, nothing quite symbolizes Americanism like scarfing down processed meat covered in thousand island dressing, then washing it all down with a silly French word.

Be on the lookout for nothing

Niagra, Wisconsin is being terrorized by a gun man in camoflauge. He sticks to the woods and carries an assualt rifle, managing to shoot four people already–killing three. His people count could have been higher, but he’s in the woods.

So how has he managed to shoot so many people already? We can’t see him. (Even CNN doesn’t have a picture!) Hell, nobody called the police for the first two because everyone thought it was the Predator, and killing him will just trigger a nuclear blast.

So, be on the lookout, citizens. If you don’t see him, do not try to apprehend him. Tell the police where he might be lurking and don’t reveal any weapons. (That’ll just give your death some honor.)

UPDATE (8/1/08):

They got him! … Or did they?

Keep your eyes in the skies, and set on heat-detection mode.

State of the Sops

We begin this post with some very sad news from abroad. German beer sales are at their lowest in the past 15 years. Analysts are saying this means the German population is losing touch with its proud, beer-drinking culture. However, this blog suspects the Germans are merely busy preparing for other things. This blog suggests building and then tearing down a new Berlin Wall, so the Krauts have something to celebrate.

Now let’s head over to the States, where American drunkards refuse to let their need to bend an elbow get in the way of being responsible. A Wisconsin 911 operator, who no doubt is used to getting all kinds of unusual phone calls, got one that sets a new standard in drunken whoopsies: a drunk dial. A woman drunk dialed 911 saying she was took intoxicated to be driving. She said this as she drove along in her truck. Wonder how the cops knew to look for her?

“The woman’s boyfriend in the passenger seat suggested she call 911 to report her own drunken driving, so she did, Nehls said. The boyfriend was not driving, she said, because he was too drunk.”

Continue reading State of the Sops