The weather is warming up again, which means that animals are renewing their assault on Wal-Marts across the country. Yeah,rememberthat?
In Wisconsin, an 88-year-old Wal-Mart greeter has lost his job all because of a wild turkey, and not the drinking kind. According to reports, Bob Tallinger has been a greeter for eight years, and he just watched as a turkey sauntered through the door of his Wal-Mart. He probably even said hello, because that’s his job. But management didn’t like how he didn’t try to shoo the turkey out, or notify someone to get it out of the store. So the bigwigs let him go.
Now this elderly man is out of a job, probably forced to spend time with the woman he’s been married to for 50 years. And it’s all because of a stupid turkey.
It’s always fun to read about a truck hauling food, beer or livestock spills, and the road is littered with the cargo. But this one is different, there’s a shocking twist that you won’t see coming if you didn’t read the headline.
This doesn’t seem like the typical meal for a cow, and it’s not Halloween. Have cows secretly been eating Skittles and we didn’t know about it? Do the cows have a rider stipulating only red Skittles? Does Skittles-fed beef fetch a higher price at the butcher? The situation is so alarming that Mars, the maker of Skittles is investigating why their product was reportedly being used as cattle candy.
Good news, everyone, about the recount in Wisconsin! … No, not that. He probably still won. But! The recount should prove that, when (not “if”) the machines take over, they’re even better at democracy than we are. So, the singularity shouldn’t be a totalitarian dictatorship!
Previous recounts show a 0.28 percent discrepancy in hand-counted votes, while computer-counted votes only had a 0.17 percent discrepancy. And even when the machines screw up, it’s mostly when a human factor interrupts the computer process, like a human logging computer counts incorrectly on a pen and ink form.
So, if we really want a more representative government, then perhaps it’s time to throw out the factor that keeps (minutely) screwing it up: humans.
Despite repeated calls, the Green Bay Police Department can’t do anything about Gags, the clown in question — not until he eats a baby or something, anyway — because he hasn’t committed a crime.
Nobody is sure, yet, who he is or what he’s doing other than freaking the hell out of everyone. Nobody has apparently talked to him, opting instead to wet their pants, so we don’t even have a statement from Gags himself.
If there were ever a necessary argument for breastfeeding, today’s Booze News would be it. (We say “necessary” because — come on, mommy bloggers — nobody anywhere is arguing against it. Just don’t be surprised if National Geographic takes a picture of you doing it in a Starbucks like this is Papua-New Guinea or something.)
Mom filling a bottle with water to make formula and then leaving the room.
Then dad walking into the room, dumping out the water and filling the bottle with vodka to take to a friend’s home (and then also leaving the room).
Mom walking back in to find the bottle where she left it and mixing in formula powder, not knowing that dad is a weirdo who takes his vodka in a sippy cup.
Once noticing that the child was behaving like 1980s Keifer Sutherland, the couple realized what happened and began, according to police, fighting. Police charged neither for the mistake, but dad reportedly got taken away for alleged undisclosed actions during the altercation.
The child is recovering just fine from weird dreams about bowling alleys and Saddam Hussein during her intoxication. Also, she really hates the damn Eagles, man.
If you’re an American and you enjoy drinking, you should move to Wisconsin, where you will always be among friends.
According to a recent study, cheeseheads are the biggest drinkers in the country, with 65.03% of residents there reporting having at least one drink in the past 30 days, 24% of Wisconsinites said they have had more than four drinks in a night in that period. Does 65% of people in a state having had a drink in the past month sound incredibly low to anyone else? Especially because that’s the highest in the country.
It’s worth noting that Washington, D.C. residents trailed close behind Wisconsin in both categories. The Guys are making a difference.
It’s so simple. We can apply this anywhere in society. Why aren’t there more women CEOs? Because pink isn’t legal! Why aren’t there any women players in the NFL? They only wear pink one month a year (meanwhile, women flock to lingerie football leagues). Let’s fix this, men.
In the media, we’re always on the lookout for the next big trend. So, if we’re able to connect two things — no matter how tenuously — and we do it first, then we are the new media gods. CNN, FOX, the Ladies of the View … bow down to your new overlords, for The Guys come bearing a news trend.
Two animal heists. One in France, the other very close by in neighboring Wisconsin. Both from zoos, although the one in Wisconsin is called the Special Memories Zoo, which indicates that it may or may not be a petting zoo for dying children. 17 rare monkeys were stolen from one, and a baby kangaroo and four baby goats (or, the rare monkeys of the Wisconsin) were stolen from another.
People, we don’t know why animal liberators are mobilizing and what their endgame is. But, it’s clearly time to panic.