D.C. is drunker than you

Washington, D.C. is a city of national leaders. And according to a new survey, it’s a city of national leaders in alcohol consumption.

The district is drunker than 49 states, a survey has found. Some 65.9% of residents have had a drink in the past month, just behind Wisconsin, with 67.3%. D.C. is also tops for heavy drinkers, with 11.1%, and binge drinkers, with 25.5%. Heavy drinking is defined in the survey as men having two drinks a day, and women one drink a day. Binge drinking is five or more drinks in a sitting for men, and four or more for women.

This makes sense. The citizens of D.C. have to live with all the crazy people the rest of the country sends there. It’s enough to drive anyone to drink.

Man cracks a few open after being locked in beer cooler

It sounds like some kind of mixture of a dream and a nightmare: being locked inside a beer cooler overnight.

A Wisconsin man was perusing the selection in the walk-in beer cooler at a convenience store, when the door automatically locked at midnight, trapping him inside. Rather than pounding on the doors so an employee would come let him out, he decided to stay and help himself to a few brewskies, since he couldn’t purchase any alcohol after midnight. By the time a customer let him out at 6 a.m., he had killed a tallboy of Icehouse (of course) and three cans of Four Loko, which is apparently still around.

But because there is no justice in the world, the man was charged with theft. The store locked him in there, and yet he’s the one who police say has committed a crime.

Turkey gets Wal-Mart greeter fired

The weather is warming up again, which means that animals are renewing their assault on Wal-Marts across the country. Yeah, remember that?

In Wisconsin, an 88-year-old Wal-Mart greeter has lost his job all because of a wild turkey, and not the drinking kind. According to reports, Bob Tallinger has been a greeter for eight years, and he just watched as a turkey sauntered through the door of his Wal-Mart. He probably even said hello, because that’s his job. But management didn’t like how he didn’t try to shoo the turkey out, or notify someone to get it out of the store. So the bigwigs let him go.

Now this elderly man is out of a job, probably forced to spend time with the woman he’s been married to for 50 years. And it’s all because of a stupid turkey.

Why are cows eating all our Skittles?

It’s always fun to read about a truck hauling food, beer or livestock spills, and the road is littered with the cargo. But this one is different, there’s a shocking twist that you won’t see coming if you didn’t read the headline.

In Wisconsin, a whole lot of red Skittles fell out of the back of a truck and caused a mess on a county highway. Authorities were able to clean up the scene, but an unusual detail emerged in the investigation: the Skittles were intended to be used as feed for cattle.

This doesn’t seem like the typical meal for a cow, and it’s not Halloween. Have cows secretly been eating Skittles and we didn’t know about it? Do the cows have a rider stipulating only red Skittles? Does Skittles-fed beef fetch a higher price at the butcher? The situation is so alarming that Mars, the maker of Skittles is investigating why their product was reportedly being used as cattle candy.

In democracy, machines count for something

Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.
Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.

Good news, everyone, about the recount in Wisconsin! … No, not that. He probably still won. But! The recount should prove that, when (not “if”) the machines take over, they’re even better at democracy than we are. So, the singularity shouldn’t be a totalitarian dictatorship!

For all the worries about human error in vote counting and machines screwing up, four election experts believe that the Wisconsin recount will prove two things: (1) we’re better at counting votes than we think, and (2) machines are better than us at it and, therefore democracy.

Previous recounts show a 0.28 percent discrepancy in hand-counted votes, while computer-counted votes only had a 0.17 percent discrepancy. And even when the machines screw up, it’s mostly when a human factor interrupts the computer process, like a human logging computer counts incorrectly on a pen and ink form.

So, if we really want a more representative government, then perhaps it’s time to throw out the factor that keeps (minutely) screwing it up: humans.

Can’t sleep in Green Bay, clown will eat you

Green Bay's so bleak that this is as funny as it gets.
Green Bay’s so bleak that this is as funny as it gets.

So, we said some fairly harsh things about Philadelphia yesterday. While we won’t take a word of it back, it’s time to acknowledge that other terrible city with a green football team: Green Bay, Wisconsin. Say what you will about the citizens of Philadelphia, but at least one of them isn’t dressing as a clown and walking the streets at 2 a.m. with black balloons.

Despite repeated calls, the Green Bay Police Department can’t do anything about Gags, the clown in question — not until he eats a baby or something, anyway — because he hasn’t committed a crime.

Nobody is sure, yet, who he is or what he’s doing other than freaking the hell out of everyone. Nobody has apparently talked to him, opting instead to wet their pants, so we don’t even have a statement from Gags himself.

All we know is that it’s probably time to see if anyone knows where Tim Curry’s been lately.

White Russians for kids

"Does this taste, like, breasty to you, man?"
“Does this taste … like … breasty to you, man?”

If there were ever a necessary argument for breastfeeding, today’s Booze News would be it. (We say “necessary” because — come on, mommy bloggers — nobody anywhere is arguing against it. Just don’t be surprised if National Geographic takes a picture of you doing it in a Starbucks like this is Papua-New Guinea or something.)

A baby in Wisconsin — home of questionable alcohol choices like brewing Schlitz and Milwaukee’s Best — was rushed to emergency medical care after accidentally consuming formula made with vodka. The accident was the result of

  1. Mom filling a bottle with water to make formula and then leaving the room.
  2. Then dad walking into the room, dumping out the water and filling the bottle with vodka to take to a friend’s home (and then also leaving the room).
  3. Mom walking back in to find the bottle where she left it and mixing in formula powder, not knowing that dad is a weirdo who takes his vodka in a sippy cup.

Once noticing that the child was behaving like 1980s Keifer Sutherland, the couple realized what happened and began, according to police, fighting. Police charged neither for the mistake, but dad reportedly got taken away for alleged undisclosed actions during the altercation.

The child is recovering just fine from weird dreams about bowling alleys and Saddam Hussein during her intoxication. Also, she really hates the damn Eagles, man.

Wisconsin drinks rest of the U.S. under the table

If you’re an American and you enjoy drinking, you should move to Wisconsin, where you will always be among friends.

According to a recent study, cheeseheads are the biggest drinkers in the country, with 65.03% of residents there reporting having at least one drink in the past 30 days, 24% of Wisconsinites said they have had more than four drinks in a night in that period. Does 65% of people in a state having had a drink in the past month sound incredibly low to anyone else? Especially because that’s the highest in the country.

It’s worth noting that Washington, D.C. residents trailed close behind Wisconsin in both categories. The Guys are making a difference.

Wisconsin may approve pink so that ladies will hunt

Hey ladies, why don’t more of you hunt? It’s not like you don’t have the same freedom to sit in the frigid woods for hours on end hoping that a deer wanders by at some point.

But don’t worry, women, Wisconsin has figured it out. You’re not allowed to wear pink. Lawmakers in Wisconsin are working on a bill that would allow hunters to wear pink, a move they hope will get more lady hunters.

It’s so simple. We can apply this anywhere in society. Why aren’t there more women CEOs? Because pink isn’t legal! Why aren’t there any women players in the NFL? They only wear pink one month a year (meanwhile, women flock to lingerie football leagues). Let’s fix this, men.

Worldwide animal jailbreak!

These species traitors are not kidding around.
These species traitors are not kidding around.

In the media, we’re always on the lookout for the next big trend. So, if we’re able to connect two things — no matter how tenuously — and we do it first, then we are the new media gods. CNN, FOX, the Ladies of the View … bow down to your new overlords, for The Guys come bearing a news trend.

Two animal heists. One in France, the other very close by in neighboring Wisconsin. Both from zoos, although the one in Wisconsin is called the Special Memories Zoo, which indicates that it may or may not be a petting zoo for dying children. 17 rare monkeys were stolen from one, and a baby kangaroo and four baby goats (or, the rare monkeys of the Wisconsin) were stolen from another.

People, we don’t know why animal liberators are mobilizing and what their endgame is. But, it’s clearly time to panic.