Tagged: Wisconsin

| Filed under War on Animals

Why are cows eating all our Skittles?

It’s always fun to read about a truck hauling food, beer or livestock spills, and the road is littered with the cargo. But this one is different, there’s a shocking twist that you won’t see coming if you didn’t read the headline.

In Wisconsin, a whole lot of red Skittles fell out of the back of a truck and caused a mess on a county highway. Authorities were able to clean up the scene, but an unusual detail emerged in the investigation: the Skittles were intended to be used as feed for cattle.

This doesn’t seem like the typical meal for a cow, and it’s not Halloween. Have cows secretly been eating Skittles and we didn’t know about it? Do the cows have a rider stipulating only red Skittles? Does Skittles-fed beef fetch a higher price at the butcher? The situation is so alarming that Mars, the maker of Skittles is investigating why their product was reportedly being used as cattle candy.

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Scurry '16

In democracy, machines count for something

Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.
Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.

Good news, everyone, about the recount in Wisconsin! … No, not that. He probably still won. But! The recount should prove that, when (not “if”) the machines take over, they’re even better at democracy than we are. So, the singularity shouldn’t be a totalitarian dictatorship!

For all the worries about human error in vote counting and machines screwing up, four election experts believe that the Wisconsin recount will prove two things: (1) we’re better at counting votes than we think, and (2) machines are better than us at it and, therefore democracy.

Previous recounts show a 0.28 percent discrepancy in hand-counted votes, while computer-counted votes only had a 0.17 percent discrepancy. And even when the machines screw up, it’s mostly when a human factor interrupts the computer process, like a human logging computer counts incorrectly on a pen and ink form.

So, if we really want a more representative government, then perhaps it’s time to throw out the factor that keeps (minutely) screwing it up: humans.

| Filed under Clown Crisis 2016!

Can’t sleep in Green Bay, clown will eat you

Green Bay's so bleak that this is as funny as it gets.
Green Bay’s so bleak that this is as funny as it gets.

So, we said some fairly harsh things about Philadelphia yesterday. While we won’t take a word of it back, it’s time to acknowledge that other terrible city with a green football team: Green Bay, Wisconsin. Say what you will about the citizens of Philadelphia, but at least one of them isn’t dressing as a clown and walking the streets at 2 a.m. with black balloons.

Despite repeated calls, the Green Bay Police Department can’t do anything about Gags, the clown in question — not until he eats a baby or something, anyway — because he hasn’t committed a crime.

Nobody is sure, yet, who he is or what he’s doing other than freaking the hell out of everyone. Nobody has apparently talked to him, opting instead to wet their pants, so we don’t even have a statement from Gags himself.

All we know is that it’s probably time to see if anyone knows where Tim Curry’s been lately.

| Filed under Booze News

White Russians for kids

"Does this taste, like, breasty to you, man?"
“Does this taste … like … breasty to you, man?”

If there were ever a necessary argument for breastfeeding, today’s Booze News would be it. (We say “necessary” because — come on, mommy bloggers — nobody anywhere is arguing against it. Just don’t be surprised if National Geographic takes a picture of you doing it in a Starbucks like this is Papua-New Guinea or something.)

A baby in Wisconsin — home of questionable alcohol choices like brewing Schlitz and Milwaukee’s Best — was rushed to emergency medical care after accidentally consuming formula made with vodka. The accident was the result of

  1. Mom filling a bottle with water to make formula and then leaving the room.
  2. Then dad walking into the room, dumping out the water and filling the bottle with vodka to take to a friend’s home (and then also leaving the room).
  3. Mom walking back in to find the bottle where she left it and mixing in formula powder, not knowing that dad is a weirdo who takes his vodka in a sippy cup.

Once noticing that the child was behaving like 1980s Keifer Sutherland, the couple realized what happened and began, according to police, fighting. Police charged neither for the mistake, but dad reportedly got taken away for alleged undisclosed actions during the altercation.

The child is recovering just fine from weird dreams about bowling alleys and Saddam Hussein during her intoxication. Also, she really hates the damn Eagles, man.

| Filed under Booze News

Wisconsin drinks rest of the U.S. under the table

If you’re an American and you enjoy drinking, you should move to Wisconsin, where you will always be among friends.

According to a recent study, cheeseheads are the biggest drinkers in the country, with 65.03% of residents there reporting having at least one drink in the past 30 days, 24% of Wisconsinites said they have had more than four drinks in a night in that period. Does 65% of people in a state having had a drink in the past month sound incredibly low to anyone else? Especially because that’s the highest in the country.

It’s worth noting that Washington, D.C. residents trailed close behind Wisconsin in both categories. The Guys are making a difference.

| Filed under Regular Post

Wisconsin may approve pink so that ladies will hunt

Hey ladies, why don’t more of you hunt? It’s not like you don’t have the same freedom to sit in the frigid woods for hours on end hoping that a deer wanders by at some point.

But don’t worry, women, Wisconsin has figured it out. You’re not allowed to wear pink. Lawmakers in Wisconsin are working on a bill that would allow hunters to wear pink, a move they hope will get more lady hunters.

It’s so simple. We can apply this anywhere in society. Why aren’t there more women CEOs? Because pink isn’t legal! Why aren’t there any women players in the NFL? They only wear pink one month a year (meanwhile, women flock to lingerie football leagues). Let’s fix this, men.

| Filed under War on Animals

Worldwide animal jailbreak!

These species traitors are not kidding around.
These species traitors are not kidding around.

In the media, we’re always on the lookout for the next big trend. So, if we’re able to connect two things — no matter how tenuously — and we do it first, then we are the new media gods. CNN, FOX, the Ladies of the View … bow down to your new overlords, for The Guys come bearing a news trend.

Two animal heists. One in France, the other very close by in neighboring Wisconsin. Both from zoos, although the one in Wisconsin is called the Special Memories Zoo, which indicates that it may or may not be a petting zoo for dying children. 17 rare monkeys were stolen from one, and a baby kangaroo and four baby goats (or, the rare monkeys of the Wisconsin) were stolen from another.

People, we don’t know why animal liberators are mobilizing and what their endgame is. But, it’s clearly time to panic.

| Filed under War on Animals

Archaic ritual yields horrifying results

Picture this: a society of people place their entire faith and hopes regarding the oncoming weather in a wild animal. Sounds pretty crazy like all Mesopotamian-era rituals were, right?

I just described for you the scene that took place in Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, in the year 2015.

Oh, and the groundhog used to predict the weather bit the town’s mayor. People, this is why we use science, not animals, to predict and forecast.

| Filed under Regular Post

Ice resuracers: the assassins of the hockey rink

Hockey is not a game known for its grace. Despite numerous tricks and gimmicks by American networks, ratings and viewership of the game has gone down over the years. To be honest, it’s because people want to see the fights in it. The fights are the only thing that makes hockey more watchable than soccer. They’re closest we can get to nearly seeing a person murdered, but not actually being murdered.

That said, if you want to really get that experience of seeing a person nearly being murdered, you don’t have to watch the hockey game from your tv, you can experience it in a rink. Due to a faulty propane tank in an ice resurfacer, 81 people were slowly given carbon monoxide poisoning, thus bringing the experience to them. Granted, no one has died yet, but it’s probably not a stretch to call ice resurfacers the silent killer of hockey, taking that title away from the icing rule.