A positively awful plan

An elderly woman is “an undisclosed amount of cash” richer and possibly on a shopping spree of undisclosed size in Colorado!

She robbed a Wells Fargo bank by handing the teller a note that said she would give her AIDS unless she forked over anywhere from 1 to infinity dollars. She sold the act by coughing frequently and wearing a train conductor’s cap, indicating she may have made love to a filthy train hobo.

The joke’s on that teller, though: everyone knows that people with AIDS don’t live to be elderly!

Blowing sweet CHOO-CHOO’s in your ear

Remember the days when Japanese bullet trains and subway lines were nothing but non-stop grope fests? Yeah, I know, those days aren’t exactly over, but I’d like to believe that recent laws and the international attention its received has helped pressure Japanese authorities into doing something about it.

Yeah, maybe not so much. A JR West employee was recently arrested on his way to work after a woman’s husband caught the guy blowing into her ear. While that might not be enough to get your arrested in America, perhaps just a stern warning, the Japanese prefectural nuisance laws aren’t as forgiving.

The husband apprehended the guy and handed him over to the police. Naturally, he denied it, but somehow I doubt that defense is going to hold up, especially considering the attention these nuisance laws have garnered in recent years. Granted, trains are sometimes crowded, but blowing in someones ear? Talk about creepy. Now, if only there was a law for close-talkers.

That’s right, I’m talking about you.

A hunka burqa love

A Muslim woman was fined by police for wearing presumably nothing but a burqa outside in Italy.

This and a proposed French law to ban the sexy, sexy garment has prompted a serious debate about gender norms, taboo and religion as the world’s cultures are increasingly mingling in romantic destinations like Tuscany, Paris and Detroit.

On the one hand, women could be wearing anything under a burqa: thongs, lacey pushup bras, cut-off daisy dukes or even nothing but a bomb vest.

On the other hand, she could be ugly. Or a dude posing as a woman to get favors like not driving and ditching school. If we get aroused by that, then what does that say about us?

So, while we see the reasoning behind this police action, we would like to remind Italy that if you never outlaw the burqa, you’ll never have to ruin the fantasy underneath.

Oh sure, it’s all fun and addiction until someone loses $125,000

Dear America,

Stop being a big ol’ dummy-face. It’s not a casino’s fault if you lose an eighth of a million dollars in one solitary night; however, it’s definitely your fault. It’s not a casino’s fault if you have problems with gambling addiction and decide to stay a night in the casino’s hotel; however, it’s definitely your fault. It’s not a casino’s fault if you’re a compulsive gambler and you don’t take advantage of numerous programs that can help you with your problem; however, it’s definitely your fault.

Hey, science! How’s it going with that responsibility formula? You think we can inject it into Big Macs and Whoppers yet?