Tag: women

Chores are a waste of time

... right after you finish the laundry and dishes, vacuuming and mopping the floor, picking up the groceries ...
… right after you finish the laundry and dishes, vacuuming and mopping the floor, dusting, changing the bed linens, picking up the groceries …

For men who thought that sharing housework duties would make your relationship more fulfilling, that’s true … for your wife. A new study, however, found that it could mean less sex for you.

Couples in more egalitarian relationships where men performed “traditionally female chores — such as cooking, cleaning and shopping” reported having less sex than those couples in which the men performed “traditionally masculine tasks — such as yard work, paying bills and auto maintenance.” Men in the survey reported having sex an average 5.2 times a month, while women reported 5.6.

… Wait a minute. 5.2 versus 5.6?

And now we know: cooking, cleaning and shopping cut into valuable affair-having time — time that women now enjoy.

Measuring up ye bagpipes

Depending on who you ask, size matters. That’s what researchers in Scotland found out from 323 lasses, mostly university students.

Assuming that the average wee beastie measures between the lengths of a 20-pound note and a U.S. dollar bill — that sound you just heard is men everywhere checking their wallets for cash — psychologists asked each woman if they were more likely to orgasm vaginally from a longer-than-average or shorter-than-average walloper.

160, or just over half, had actually had a vaginal-only orgasm and enough partners to compare experiences with. “Of these, 33.8 percent preferred longer-than-average penises, 60 percent said size made no difference and 6.3 percent said longer was less pleasurable than shorter” because they just finished banging the census taker and didn’t want to offend him.

100 percent of the lasses agreed, however, that if your penis isn’t Scottish, then it’s CRAAAAAP!

 (Special thanks to Patrick H.)

Ladies and their disgusting sexual loopholes

Gentlemen, if you’ve ever worried about s%#tting the bed that you share with a lady — maybe after a certain chilli peppers bet at the Wings Warehouse? — we have one suggestion: do it during sex.

A recent study published in PLoS One found that sexually aroused women were less disgusted while performing gross tasks than women who went in dry. The tasks included ones of a sexual nature (reaching into a bowl of used condoms) and of a non-sexual nature (handling a piece of feces smeared toilet paper). Don’t worry, though: none of the gross things were real. The condoms were merely opened, not used for sex, and the feces was chocolate filtered through a precocious labrador retriever puppy.

Afterwards, the women were asked to rate their disgust from 0 to 100. Sexually aroused women were considerably less disgusted than their dry peers performing sexually gross tasks, but only minorly less disgusted performing non-sexually gross ones. So, returning to the bed soiling example in the opening paragraph: fellas, you gotta make it a passionate dump. Women may think sex is gross, but they’re OK with gross if the mood is right.

This experiment also explains why men perform some of the most disgusting jobs in the world (i.e., garbage collection, flavored condom testing, gynecology, etc.): we’re always sexually aroused. Always.

Take it from Snee: Women see mysteriously

Women are a mystery that have perplexed great minds, from Steven Hawking to male Congressmen and, finally, myself. I’ve spent the better part of a year trying to get down to the bottom of the Other Gender (without implying that they’re fat). And, every time I think I’ve got them just about figured out, another question comes up.

So, it’s once more unto the breach, my friends. That is, until that breach secretes hormones to shut us down. Welcome to part three of “Women are Mysterious,” in which I take into account new scientific research that indicates that women even see differently from men …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Women see mysteriously

When life gives men lemons, those men f%&k them

People respond to stress in different ways. Some shut down, and others claim they can only produce under pressure. It turns out that men are more interested in reproducing under stress.

British researchers recently learned that men who are tasked with stressful tasks, like public speaking, become attracted to a wider range of women’s body mass indexes, including women who are larger than what they normally go for. This might come from picturing the audience naked.

Dieting women of the world responded with a resounding, “Are you f%@king kidding me?!”

Another reason to always wipe gym equipment

Speaking of the mystery that is the woman’s orgasm, researchers are delving into a phenomenon known as the “coregasm.” As more women work out, more are reporting achieving sexual pleasure and even orgasms during exercise. The majority of the cases occur during abdominal workouts — hence the “core” in “coregasm” — but other culprits include “weight lifting, yoga, bicycling [not too surprising there] running and walking or hiking.”

Although the study’s author has heard men claim they experience coregasm, too, we’re a little hesitant to buy it. Come on, the male coregasm? That’s just a myth.

Take it from Snee: Women are still mysterious

A little over a month ago, I began investigating the enigmas that are women — these eniginas, if you will — after learning that Stephen Hawking is wasting valuable research time thinking about them. (Get back to your black holes, sir. You study cosmology, not Cosmo.)

Well, it looks like my investigation has attracted the notice of Republican state and federal legislators, who — like Professor Hawking — often have a problem with wasting time on this issue. I’ll admit that my sources are lacking when it comes to the pull of congressional committees as I don’t have the power to summon religious leaders to answer my questions.

Is this how mysterious women have become, that when science fails, we must turn to our culturally relevant mythologies (not this year, Zeus) to finally figure out what makes ladies tick? The answer is, yes, short of asking women, this is the only way to solve the further mysteries of women. Mysteries like … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Women are still mysterious

The most unimaginable results

“How would you describe your pain on a scale from 0 to 10, 0 meaning ‘none at all’ and 10 meaning ‘the most imaginable?'”

If you’ve ever gone to the hospital for anything other than a check-up or to laugh at sick people, then you’ve been asked this question. And after years of asking patients for their completely subjective interpretation of a pain scale ranging from none to Michael Bay, medical professionals have finally learned something: men are more imaginative than women.

Comparing the results of men’s responses to women’s yielded a full point difference on average, with women more likely to rate their pain higher towards “the most imaginable.” Men, meanwhile — conditioned on Predator movies and The Three Stooges — are more likely to believe that a new, higher level of pain almost always exists above where they are. We’re pretty sure it involves testicles and a juicer.

Take it from Snee: Women are mysterious

In recent news, the smartest man on wheels, Stephen Hawking revealed that he, too, spends most of his time thinking about women. And I, for one, feel much better for knowing that, because I also find women to be “a complete mystery,” as Professor Hawking put it.

However, I am concerned because, again, if Stephen Hawking — the man who has informed our current understanding of black holes — has yet to unravel the mystery that is women, then what chance do we have of ever solving these riddles. Riddles like: Continue reading Take it from Snee: Women are mysterious

Your girlfriend smells awesome, bro

Axe Body Spray, which cornered the market on making young men smell like Italians, announced a new spray for women: Anarchy. The advertisement (viewable in the link) maintains Axe’s standard of sensitivity towards women by not explicitly stating that it’s for the vaginal regions.

Personally, we hope to see mirrors of their original ads in which a young woman applies Axe (not necessarily into her baby hole) and is chased down and tackled by a group of young, fratish men. Maybe they’ll do that for their next line of women’s spray, Axe: The Accused.