Science: Men really do have worse cold, flu symptoms

Maybe not the most positive image.

We all have social media these days, which means we all know that people we haven’t physically talked to in five years like to post stuff attacking a group of people they’re not a part of. Women who hate their husbands love to post memes about how men are pussies when they get a cold. Science says you’re wrong, ladies.

A new study has found that when men complain about cold or flu symptoms, it could be because they actually feel the effects more than women. That’s right, the popular “man flu” meme is crap because men’s immune systems leave them at greater risk for serious systems and even death.

And you know what else makes a cold worse for men? When you won’t just leave us alone.

Your male doctor is trying to kill you

We’re waiting for someone to greenlight our new medical procedural, Dr. Mansplain, OB/GYN. A new patient every week … because they always die.

An analysis of more than one million Medicare patients’ care revealed that not only do women doctors achieve better treatment outcomes for elderly patients, but “that approximately 32,000 fewer patients would die if male physicians could achieve the same outcomes as female physicians every year.”

So, take a good look at your doctor. Are they rugged? Chisel-featured? Do they have a lower voice and a penis? Then you could do better, friend. Especially since part of the problem may be that your macho physician is “mansplain-ing” your symptoms and treatment options away rather than communicate, properly diagnose you and develop a treatment plan that addresses all of your needs.

Unfortunately, you’re less likely to find a doctor who isn’t a dude-bro. Only one-third of practicing doctors are ladies — which makes male doctor’s death rates look even worse.

No, our only choice is to geld our doctors until more women take over our hospitals. It’s either Dr. Sexy or Grandpa — your choice, America.

Every Viking needs a lady

Long before they were a football team, the Vikings raided northern European towns at will. But we didn’t know why they did it. Turns out they were going cruising for chicks.

Researchers think that the Vikings left their Scandinavian homes to travel the seas — going as far as North America — because there were no single women around. Viking society allowed powerful men to monopolize large groups of women through polygamy and concubinage. And because so many women in the village were spoken for, young men went to sea to find themselves some strange on a distant shore.

The murdering and pillaging were just perks.

Science: Your lady will cheat on you because genes

Suddenly every blues song ever written seems justified.

According to researchers at the University of Texas, women are genetically programmed to cheat. Women, especially childless women, are predisposed to cheat on their mate as a means of a backup plan. They argue that way back when, it wasn’t too common for people to live past 30, so having a side piece in case your mate died made sense, and it got bred into us.

Better go home and read all the texts on her phone.

You Missed It: Women’s events edition

And if you see these women as anything other than athletes, you're sexist.
And if you see these women as anything other than athletes, you’re sexist.

At some point, Star Wars fans need to admit to themselves that they like the Empire better. Most of the merchandise you see, and all of the memes people share, are about storm troopers or Darth Vader. Do we even know why the Empire is bad in the first place? All we (and by “we” I mean people who haven’t read the books, because we’re not nerds) really know is that the Empire is dealing with a rebellion has a thing for blowing up rebel planets. Seems pretty reasonable for an intergalactic war. If you were busy saying you didn’t say what you said about Second Amendment people this week, odds are you missed it.

Sexism is the newest event
The Olympics are a sporting tradition like no other. Once every four years, the world comes together act like it cares about swimming, gymnastics and women in sports in general. NBC took a fair amount of criticism for sexism from the commentators during its coverage of the first week of the summer games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. NBC apologized for any accidentally sexist comments, and insisted it has no problem with covering girls as they compete in their own separate but equal little events, but it’s going to be tough to keep from getting excited during the women’s trampoline competition, ya know?

Women continue to be in movies
This week, cast members of Ocean’s 8, an all-female remake of Ocean’s 11 (the good one) were announced. Meanwhile, all-female reboot of Ghostbusters is rumored to not be getting a sequel, following a loss of $70 million. I don’t know. I think they’re going to keep making these types of movies because they’re trying to reach an underrepresented audience and want to do a decent thing. Or they just realized they can pay actresses way less than men.

Concertgoer smokes weed
Malia Obama, the president’s oldest daughter, was seen in a video leaked to the media taking a drag of what appeared to be a marijuana joint while attending Lollapalooza in Chicago. People who took offense to this took to the internet to express their outrage, but then asked what a “Lollapalooza” is.

You Missed It: Risky drinking edition

Women officially make worse life choices than you.
Women officially make worse life choices than you.

I think we need to stop making fun of other people’s cultures. Not because they are our equals (we’re way better than them), but because of Groundhog Day. For some reason, we have this day where everyone waits to see what a single groundhog in some backwoods told in Pennsylvania has to say about winter. At some point in American history, people thought this was an accurate sign of how the weather would be. Lots of towns did this groundhog thing. Then we all decided that Punxutawney, Pennsylvania had the most accurate groundhog, and each town ended their own ceremonies. There’s no feast, we don’t send cards, we just read the headline that morning, and maybe watch a Bill Murray movie. If you were busy winning the Iowa caucuses this week, odds are you missed it.

Women need to start worrying
This week, the Centers for Disease Control said that women of childbearing age should stop drinking unless they are on birth control, because if they get pregnant and don’t know it, the booze could hurt their children. Also, the World Health Organization declared the Zika virus outbreak a “public health emergency.” So in all, it was a banner week for women’s health.

Robo Tiger Woods has arrived
Researchers built and programmed a robot that can swing a golf club. In fact, it hits the ball so well that it got a hole-in-one on the on a source in Scottsdale, Arizona on the same hole that Tiger Woods once did the same in 1997. I’m calling it now, once this robot gets caught cheating on his robot wife, he will never win another major again.

The last time you’ll hear from Johnny Manziel
Authorities say soon-to-be ex-Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel struck and threatened his ex girlfriend this week. The victim said he threatened to shoot her and himself. Luckily, no one was in any danger, because if anyone applied pressure, his aim would have been off.

Study: Guys will totally do that if you pay them enough

As it turns out, guys are way more likely to do morally wrong stuff for money than women are.

According to a recent poll, men are three times more likely than women to do things they wouldn’t normally do, like perform a sex act on a stranger, murder someone, or kick a kitten, for $1 million or $1 billion. Pretty much every guy you know is a sociopath at some level. The poll wasn’t really scientific, but if it feels accurate, that’s science-y enough, right?

We’re not saying that’s why men make more than women, but we can’t reasonably rule it out.

You Missed It: Lock and key edition

Rule #1 of the internet: Never incur the wrath of the Takei.
Rule #1 of the internet: Never incur the wrath of the Takei.

Are there any real musical mysteries left? I’m sure there will be some new ones, and there may be some minor ones that just aren’t top-of-mind, but I think the big ones are done. Earlier this year, Don McLean revealed what the hell “The Day the Music Died” was about, and it wasn’t that interesting. This week, Carly Simon opened up about who “You’re So Vain” is about, and it’s not one person, but several. Maybe these singers realize that thee people who care are dwindling, or they need a little boost in sales. At least we don’t have to hear about how mysterious they are anymore. If you were busy telling the world you’re HIV positive this week, odds are you missed it.

Make America 1942 again
There were all sorts of hot takes about what the U.S. should do with thousands of Syrians who are fleeing terrorists and a dictator. But the hottest take went to Roanoke, Va., Mayor David Bowers, who cited the “internment” camps the U.S. forced Japanese Americans into during World War II, suggesting such steps may need to be taken with these people who aren’t white like Bowers. This goes well with the city’s new slogan: “Roanoke: Guantanamo Bay, but With Southern Charm.”

Coffee: The elixir of life
According to a study released this week, drinking coffee can reduce your chance of several different illnesses, including heart disease. The study, which followed 200,000 subjects over the course of 30 years, went so far to say that heavier coffee drinkers had a significantly lower chance of death than those who drank little or no coffee. You know, just in case people who drink a lot of coffee needed something else to lord over everyone they meet.

Women just aren’t feeling it
It was revealed this week that Addyi, the female libido enhancer, has been prescribed just over 200 times since coming on the market in the U.S. earlier this year. The reason: most husbands aren’t doctors, and can’t prescribe it themselves. This is easy to fix, women will buy all they can if you slap a Kardashian face on it.

Human species continues despite men’s best attempts

Try to control yourselves, ladies. You're still on the clock.
Try to control yourselves, ladies. You’re still on the clock.

Guys are just … not good at meeting and impressing women. Maybe because we’re not friends with a lot of women, we’ve developed some bizarre ideas about what women are, much less what they’re looking for in a man. That’s how we’ve mistakenly latched onto fashion trends like mustaches and skinny jeans — because nobody polled women. (And now none of us are polling women. Thanks a lot, Banana Republic.)

That’s why it’s no surprise that men took the old wives tale (after all, old wives were once MILFs and, before that, regular chicks) that the fastest way to our hearts is through our stomachs and applied the transitive property to it. Therefore, if the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach (A to B), then through our stomach is the fastest way to a woman’s heart (B to C).

And that’s why we eat 93 percent more pizza in front of women we want to impress than we do with male friends. It sort of makes sense: women really respect a man who can chow down on pie … right?

What was really surprising, though, is that men eat 86 percent more salad with women than with other men. We were pretty sure that would be at least 100 percent more with women since male salad-eating just does not happen otherwise.

Also surprising? That the human species is still overpopulating the planet.

Science: Desire smells like that to some people

This explains why Egon had such a unique hobby.
This explains why Egon had such a unique hobby.

We live in a world where a fungus can do to your lady what you can’t.

According to a recent study, there is an unnamed fungus species that grows only around Hawaiian lava flows that are hundreds of years old. Apparently it’s learned a few things, because it can make women have an orgasm with a single smell. The fungus was first discovered in 2001, but better research on the fungus was delayed (let’s blame 9/11). We now know that about half of women tested had a spontaneous climax. Male subjects had nothing.

This is an opportune time to introduce The Guys’ new cologne, “Fungus of the Fire Rock.” Look for it in stores this holiday season.