Tag: women

Somebody’s hawking for a ‘Big Bang Theory’ cameo

Reader, are women a complete mystery to you? Women readers, are you a complete mystery to yourselves?

Don’t feel so bad. You’re in the same boat as Professor Stephen Hawking, and he’s a genius.

The author of ’80s coffee table book, A Brief History of Time, was asked by New Scientist magazine (even though he’s not exactly new) what he thinks about the most, to which he replied, “Women.” And then, realizing that the greatest living mind just sounded like a hornball, he added, “They are a complete mystery.”

Ladies who just “d’aww”-ed: now imagine that spoken through a Speak & Spell. It’s like your dildo gained sentience and wants to fill you with Borg babies.

The birds, bees, people that eat them

A new study from Ohio State University reveals that men gain weight after a divorce, while women gain weight after having accomplished all of their life goals except ruining yours.

Researchers were unable to pinpoint the root causes for the higher chance of weight gain in these two groups, but they attributed it to married women having “less time to exercise and stay fit than similar unmarried women.”

If we may, we can fill science in on what happens to divorced men: beer for breakfast and Hot Pockets. Also, lackluster masturbation. (Lacklusturbation?)

Take it from Snee: A stand against reverse sexism

Every year, network television producers have a challenge laid before them: to break new ground on sitcoms with the same tired Tim Allens and former Roseanne kids.

One way is to go with the familiar, but add a twist. For instance: Yes Dear was your average white family sitcom, only with another wrong-kind-of-white family living in Will and Carlton’s pool house out back. It’s not glamorous, but it pays the bills and not every channel can be HB-goddamn-O.

But, then, every so often, a producer finds a goal—nay, a mission to champion and the talent to pull it off.  A show like Will & Grace, which dared to ask, “What if we made a show about gay people and only one acts like a cartoon?” Or Cheers, which looked at alcoholism and thought, “What’s the big deal, anyway?”  A show that tackles the concerns of the average American with a no-holds-barred approach the way Major Dad did with newly-remarried divorcées and the Marines.

Fortunately for ABC, Tim Allen has heard your pleas and plans to do what Designing Women did for women, only this time for men. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A stand against reverse sexism

Men just do cancer better than women

The battle of the sexes has finally been settled, and–suprise, suprise–men won.

Oh, sure. Maybe women multitask and empathize with non-groin-related injuries better than men, but the boys in the Secret Man Lab got together and cooked up a dilly of a game-changer: better cancer.

Women may get cancer, but men get cancer so hard that they die from it more. So, next time your wife, girlfriend or beard are whining about their breast cancer, tell them to Komen walk it off because your balls are killing you.

So that’s where Bobby Collins went

If you’ve wondered what happened to the stand-up comedians of the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s (or the Mom Rock of comedy), we’ve found them. Turns out they were in Saudi Arabia this whole time, making sure the government knows that women are terrible drivers. And, much the same way they courageously confronted and ended the practice of airline food, it’s working … for now.

Bunga-Bungasconi!

It’s Friday afternoon, so we figured we’d give you little hornballs out there a dose of bunga-bunga.

Embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi faces more and more pressure everyday to step down. Women protesters have called for his resignation, prosecutors want to try him for underage prostitution, and the parliament is considering bumping up their elections.

To all of this, Berlusconi replied: “[No] one can rule better than me.”

He followed that up with: “I mean, name one prime minister who has loved women more than me.”

Kuwait proposes MILF grant

Kuwait has an infestation, and they need a few good men to root it out: unmarried women.

Spinsters are wrecking the oil-rich nation. The Kuwaiti government already pays men 4000 dinars ($14,000) to marry one woman. Now, they’re considering paying a similar dowry for marrying a second woman, who must be widowed, divorced or 40-years-old.

So, they might have that going for them.

Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.

Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.

We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.

And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.

It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

Naked women are the new sexy

Much like Larry Craig at a gentleman’s club, we get that Fox News is trying hard to look like it cares about women. If you were a network that hires cheerleaders to support an anti-abortion, it’s-only-sexist-if-it’s-about-Sarah-Palin narrative, you’d worry about the average empty-nester switching channels to her stories, too.

But, there’s trying, and then there’s trying too hard. Case in point: “Voluptuous Is The New Black!” (Exclamation theirs.)

Look, Fox. Christina Hendricks? Yes, she’s hot. Other voluptuous women? Many of them are hot, too, and some of them are fat. But, are skinny women out? No. Like voluptuous women, some are hot, and some are coat racks. And some women in both categories? Ugly, with very little to do with the body.

Basically, here’s the code to understanding what’s attractive to men: if we want to see her naked, she’s in the Attractive Women’s Club.

(Special thanks to James.)

Your tax dollars at work-over and over and over

There can be some really long hours logged on by the SEC in their attempt to bring justice against that jerk Bernie Madoff. Really, really long hours. And well, sometimes the edge needs to be taken off.

So, it should be no surprise that copious (which is putting it lightly) amounts of hours were spent by some SEC employees looking at porn-at work.

Though there is one nugget of information that needs to be known:

Another accountant — a woman — attempted to explicit websites 1,800 times in a fortnight. She was found to have 600 pornographic images on her computer hard drive

Label me with whatever nasty term you’d like, I don’t care. This. Is. Awesome.

Seriously kids, this is one utterly hilarious story that you need to be laughing at, lest your mind split into two when you think about it.