Voodoo dolls are key to a happy workplace, study says

It’s Friday. You’re nearly through the work week. Are you exhausted? Has your boss been getting you down? Science says you need a voodoo doll.

According to a recent study of American and Canadian, having a voodoo doll of the boss can do wonders for morale around the office. Workers seemed to enjoy blowing off steam by symbolically punishing their bosses. Stabbing a fake boss was found to lower feelings of workplace injustice by one third.

So don’t steam over the latest work stress this weekend. Don’t drink until you finally feel free from the yoke of your office. Start sewing. You’ll feel better when you’re done.

Fun Fact: Expected results are expected

Our favorite government-sanctioned four day weekend is almost upon us! Normally, this just means drinking (more) on a Wednesday. But, a new survey indicates that 59 percent of us will check our work email over the break.

If that wasn’t bad enough, of those who will be in to eat turducken “in just a minute,” 41 percent will report to be annoyed to have actually found work-related email in their inbox.

People, there are better and less sad ways to avoid your family than pretending to work–only to receive actual work to do. There’s always:

  • Food comas.
  • Bringing a fake “life partner” to dinner.
  • Injuring and then taking someone to the emergency room after the family football game.

Take it from Snee: Seriously business

If you work, then you’ve seen them: motivational posters. Like most propaganda, they use simple slogans and mind-searing images to raise your work level to Glorious Benefit for Behalf Father Company.

As a technical writer, I can’t help but notice that either:

A) Somebody didn’t realize what they were writing at the time.

B) Yes, they did.

C) Some combination of A and B where the powers that be noticed that an innocent slogan has a double-meaning, like eighth graders laughing at “penal code.”

So, let’s jump right in! Don’t forget to persevere through innovation outside the box on the way! Continue reading Take it from Snee: Seriously business

The pink elephant in the room

Americans have made great strides in quitting smoking … well, some Americans.

It turns out that a large percentage of modern smokers don’t support a daily habit nicotine habit, but smoke cigarettes “part-time.” Researchers are trying to figure out why people occasionally indulge in something that’s dangerous, tastes good, relieves stress and gives you something to do with your hands when surrounded by strangers. (In other news: people still eat Hot Pockets between trips to McDonald’s.)

But, of all the scenarios that The Wall Street Journal lays out, they left out the most obvious prompt for casual smokers to indulge: drinking.

It’s well known that booze and smokes go hand-in-hand. Alcohol shares all of the same benefits listed above with tobacco, but also blocks out shameful memories when you go too far with it.

What’s interesting, though, is that the article only focuses on cigarettes. Why not cigars or pipes? What about hookah? It’s pretty obvious that whoever did this research clearly does not smoke.

If you like stress so much, why don’t you marry it?

I work in corporate America. Most of the time, it’s not fun. I have to live with overlords that don’t exactly know how to effectively talk to their customers, customers that don’t know who to accurately blame for their troubles, managers who don’t quite have the skillset to do their job properly and a cafeteria that believes a strong menu is based off having green beans on the menu everyday. Yuck. I also have a pretty sweet benefits package.

Of course, seeing as how I don’t do anything dangerous outside of driving my car, I never actually utilize said benefits package.

But you know what? I’m still less stressed out than over 2200 people in Japan. I’m okay with that.

SOS: Save Our Sex (films)!

OK, things were kind of bad before when the Big Three U.S. automakers almost shut down. Also, when our banks started to collapse, we got a little worried. To be honest, the idea of loans companies collapsing made us think of Fight Club, so we got distracted by … well, we’re not allowed talk about that.

But we are absolutely, pants-ruining (and not the good way … unless you’re into that) terrified now: the porn industry has asked for a bailout.

Pornographer Larry Flint (mad props, sir) and Douchebag Joe Francis have released a combined press statement that the industry is fine for now, but could go under at any moment in the current financial climate. This could be prevented by giving them $5 billion.

Imagine your life without porn:

  • Taking shorter lunch breaks at work.
  • Using your iPhone for phone calls.
  • Spending more time with your family instead of sending them off to Chuck E. Cheese without you.

Are you terrified now? Good!

Write your congressperson and make sure this necessary Stimulus Stimulus Package passes!

Tattoo Discrimination Update: It’s on

On June 19, 2008, I wrote a post that made fun of people highlighted in a CNN article about being too tattooed to work in the United States. Some of you out there took offense. I hear you.

No, really: I hear you. I hear you in emails, in comments (new ones today), on the riverboats where I play high stakes video poker … I’m sick and tired of hearing you.

I even pretended to take your side on November 26, but nobody bought it. You got me: I was being funny again.

You keep telling me that you’re upset that I could be so discriminatory. Well, I think you’re all talk, Internet tattoo people.

In response to the latest bout of me-bashing in the threads (by a Christian, no less!), I’ve thrown down the gauntlet and issued a challenge:

If you can show me one (1) photograph that proves there is a non-tattooed prisoner on Death Row …

I will get a tattoo. And I will publish it on this site.

And on your web site, too, if you have one, proving to your friends how smart and influential you are (despite your ink).

I will seriously do this. So show me what you’re made of, painted ladies and gentlemen of the Internet.

Again, I am serious. That’s what I do: I’m a SeriouslyGuy.

Email all pics (like they exist!) to rick.snee@seriouslyguys.com. Make sure you tell me who’s in the picture and what they’re in for. I will also post this up on our Web site to show you bested me.

Note: Do NOT send me pictures of tattooed professionals or super-nice people, trying to prove that not everyone who has tattoos is evil. We all know there are a lot of stupid nice people out there, and tattoos are really popular right now. Just like Britney Spears.

Schadenfreude: International blend

Good morning! And what a morning it is: the dawning of yet another wonderful day!

Just think of the day you have ahead of you: showering, sitting in traffic, going to work, eating a lousy lunch with people you hate, sitting in more traffic, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen — all while trying not to beat your children! Goodness, but these are blessed times, aren’t they?

No, they aren’t. When your only relaxation is going to a gym to work out, you really hate the people that make it look so easy. People like, oh, Martha Stewart …

Well, guess who’s persona non gratis in the United Kingdom? Yep, Martha’s life was easy when she was given insider trading tips, but now she’s not allowed to visit investors and business partners in Merry Olde England.

And that, we think, is a good thing.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Tattoo discrimination? In the U.S.?!

Who would think that having large exposed tattoos could still cost gainful employment in the United States? Apparently not people with said large exposed tattoos.

“I think in some ways, it’s a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ understanding,” said 37-year-old Dave Kimelberg when asked how rough he has it as a high-paid, secretly-tattooed attorney.

According to professional tattooed lady, Sara Champion, she had to find a new job because she didn’t want to cover up her needle-scribblings at work. She left, causing her former coworkers to miss out on “six large tattoos on her arms and back,” including:

  • “a brightly colored sunflower.”
  • “a marigold.”
  • “a rendition of a Dia de los Muertos bride and groom on her upper left arm.” (Wha–?)

Fortunately, she found another job where she’s allowed to be as big of an attention whore as she wants to be.* After all, tattoos are a lifestyle, not a choice.

*Unfortunately, it’s in Danbury, Connecticut.

Update (11/26/2008):
Thanks to all of your thoughtful comments, I have changed my mind about tattoos. You really made me think long and hard about myself and people’s preconceptions, so I’ve written more about our (yes, our) plight.

(It’s a long post about Thanksgiving, so feel free to skip all the way to the end.)

Final Update (4/4/2009):
Obviously people are going to continue stumbling across this article through Google search or however else they look to get outraged online. For all intents and purposes, I’m considering the Tattoo Discrimination Challenge a disappointment, but will keep it open for the day someone pours their energy into thoughtful work instead of petty complaints.

Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy

So I quit smoking. No, no — please hold your applause until the end.

I’ve always been a pretty healthy guy. I work out. I don’t eat a lot of sugar, salt or arsenic. I only drink on weekends, but I always use that time productively by getting really drunk and designated driving. I don’t always use a condom when I’m treating myself to a prostitute, but I always ask if they have any on them. (If they don’t, it means they’re clean.)

So, I guess it made sense to quit smoking. I mean, why would I otherwise put in all that other effort to stay healthy?

Ah, but then I did some reading. Despite this latest endeavor, I’m still not healthy. Continue reading Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy