The McBournie Minute: George Washington and muscle cars

This country has enemies–there’s no secret about that. But there is one enemy America has had as long as it has existed. I am speaking of course, about England.

Sure, we are now great allies and enjoy a special diplomatic relationship with our former mother country, but just like with a great friendship, everyone has their spats. For most of the world, it’s easy to hate the English, because they have colonized, waged war against, or simply subjugated for centuries.

So when the U.S. soccer team played England on Saturday, I, like so many other Americans, watched my first soccer game, and pretended I was excited about it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: George Washington and muscle cars

We’ll be seeing more of these in the next month

Do you have World Cup fever yet, America? If you don’t, here’s how we suggest you catch it: pass out drunk in a strange city on a cold night.

That’s exactly what an Australian backpacker did in Johannesburg, South Africa, better known as the city in District 9. The man was woken up by a local politician–because he was passed out in his driveway. The “football” fanatic thought he was in Cape Town, which is about 900 miles from Jo-burg.

Looks like he’s got some more backpacking to do.

Sport of the Week: Soccer

In the U.S., soccer is largely ignored–because it’s boring as hell and we have more important things to be doing. But the rest of the world is not as important, and lead duller lives overall. However, it might be time to give soccer a second look.

The “World Cup” will be played in South Africa sometime in the near future, so we are lead to believe. That’s not important. What is important is that South African leaders want to bless the stadiums that will host the alleged sport. And when you bless something, you might as well do it right. They want to slaughter animals.

This is brilliant. Not only would they be able to show the world that animal existence will not be tolerated, but it can spread the message that we all need to do our part as soldiers in this war.

There’s a chaos theory joke in there somewhere

They call it Old Media for a reason. (It’s old.) It’s slow, outdated and turned into such a massive conglomeration that it can’t move as nimbly as it did in the pioneering days of David Strathairn Edward R. Murrow. Print media is going the way of the woolly mammoth. Wait–that might not be such a bad thing.

Though we’ve been talking about it for years, the media is just catching on to the whole “science could bring back the mammoth and kill us all” thing. Well, not all media, just the English, who can’t be trusted anyway.

The hard-hitting journalists of the Land of the Anglos sought to find out if it’s really worth bringing back the woolly mammoth, a species our relatives killed off for us along ago.

“It’s like asking if we could play the next World Cup on the Moon – yes, but the money needed would be unbelievable,” says Professor Barry Fuller, an expert in low-temperature science and tissue preservation at University College London. “Better to focus on conserving the animals we already have.”

Fuller, we don’t know you personally, but we don’t like you. First off, soccer is boring enough as it is. The last thing we need is for it to be played in a low-gravity setting. Think about how many balls would go out of bounds and just keep going.

Secondly, no, it’s not a good idea to conserve the animals we already have. That money would be better spent eliminating the animals we already have. It’s called the war effort, Fuller. Get with it.

But won’t somebody think of the children?

Recognizing that legal prostitution makes sex workers safer from violence, rape and STDs, South Africa has decided to lift the ban on the sex industry in their country … but only for one month, during the 2010 World Cup. Don’t worry, after all the hooligans tourists are gone they’ll go right back to making it dangerous and illegal. They do have their customer’s to think about, after all. I’m sure that there are many players happy about this as well.