You Missed It: Post-off-off-election Edition

Bryan McBournie missed You Missed It this week to visit Glenn Beck as he recovers from his removed appendix. I tried to tell him that it was simple outpatient surgery, but he insisted, carrying flowers and a special embroidered pillow with him. He also muttered a lot, but that could have been the booze talking.

Anyway, if you were busy banking your political clout on a lifeless third-party accountant, odds are You Missed It.

Other people finally love A-Rod
The Yankees won the World Series, proving that if you throw enough money at a problem, year after year after year, and finally build a stadium more conducive to home runs, you can finally solve it.

Won’t buy with a little help from our friends
The Beatles released the first digital recordings of their songs on an apple-shaped USB drive as an obvious jab at “that other Apple” that still isn’t allowed to sell them on iTunes. I’d go into further detail, but we’re busy listening to our pirated mp3’s that were sub-delivered by the Blue Meanies.

We’ll be surprised if it lives past infancy
And in health news, the House of Representatives is poised to vote on a health care reform bill this weekend. The legislation has endured several rewrites, hilariously named protests, bizarre comparisons to the Bible and several toner replacements just to print it. If passed, it will move on to the Senate, where they will add provisions for serious health issues like celebrity dog museums, anti-weather balloon countermeasures and an Oxygen Bar in the Congressional cafeteria.

Phillies fans (allegedly) blow

A lifetime of sex in exchange for food, shelter, and babies? ASK.Police arrested 43-year-old Susan Finkelstein for soliciting prostitution (and related misdeamenors) in exchange for World Series tickets.

The Bensalem cops set up the sting after finding her ad on Craigslist, proving that you really can find anything you’re looking for on that site, whether it’s tickets or sex with a “married with children, current Penn grad student in liberal arts and onetime assistant PR director at the University of Pennsylvania.”

When she met the cop in the bar, she reportedly offered to “engage in various sexual acts in return for a ticket,” and when assured he did, “she was willing to up the sexcapades, according to [Bensalem Public Safety Director Fred] Harran.”

“Up the sexcapades?” Really? That’s your quote, public official? … OK.

We’re not endorsing prostitution, but remember, always always always ask if someone’s a cop when offering sex for payment, even if it’s just for dinner and a movie.

The McBournie Minute: DirecTV practices the black arts

It’s Halloween time, that means everyone will have costume pictures on the Facebook profiles in a week we are half way through the Christmas shopping season it’s nearly time to party. Yours truly may not survive Halloween because I will be going to a murder party. Having never been to one before, I’m not sure what level of make-believe is. So if it comes down to them or me, my hunting knife ought to win out. I bought a fedora for my costume the other day, not because I am going to be Don Draper for Halloween, but the party is supposed to be a 1920s speakeasy. I plan to draw on my college experience to play the part of drinking in secret.

But still, because it’s that time of year, things are getting lame brands of spooky, mostly television and theme parks. We have to accept that they are getting faux-creepy, but sometimes they go a little over the top. I can put up with horror movie marathons and the New York Yankees in the World Series to give me the heeby-jeebies, but commercials are where I draw the line.

DirecTV has recently launched a few new famous movie scene re-dub commercials where they pay semi famous people like Naomi Watts. This time around they’re smacking us around with some action from David Spade–not that we asked for it or anything. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: DirecTV practices the black arts

You Missed It: Insert Vincent Price laugh here edition

It’s really hard to type in costume, my nails keep getting in the way. (Does that mean I’m one of the Girls Next Door or Dracula? You decide.) Welcome to a special Halloween edition of You Missed it. No, there’s nothing really Halloweeny about this week’s edition, but it falls on the second biggest commercial holiday in the U.S. Stay tuned tomorrow for special Dia de los Muertos posts on our sister site, HombresSeriamentes.com. If you were busy being convicted in your corruption trial this week, odds are you missed it.

That bleedin’ wanker oughtn’t be buggerin’ her!
British comedian Russell Brand resigned from his weekend show on BBC Radio this week after a battle or as they say in England, “row,” over one of his latest bits. Brand called actor Andrew Sachs’ home but failed to reach him. Instead, Brand left a series of messages detailing his (fictional) carnal knowledge of Sachs’ 23-year old granddaughter. The bit was deemed “gross” and “offensive.” For those of you keeping score of British humor at home: prank calls = offensive, silly walks and old men chasing after young women in fast motion to music = hilarious.

And now for something completely similar
Can’t get enough of Sen. Barack Obama? Neither can his campaign. This week Obama aired a 30-minute infomercial about his stance on things and showing people who are helping or can be helped. In it, Obama stood talking to the camera in a room that looked like the Oval Office, but with natural looking stain on the wooden window frames, instead of painted white. The title of the special: I Know You Really Want to Watch the Rest of Game 5 of the World Series, But I Need to Burn This Campaign Money. Speaking of which …

You know what’s clever? Spelling ‘F’ words with ‘Ph’
In the longest game in World Series history, Game 5 was concluded more than 48 hours after it began. The Philadelphia Phillies finished off the Tampa Bay Rays. Philadelphia’s football fans are known for their rude and overbearing behavior, luckily, Phillies fans showed restraint in their celebration, setting fires, flipping cars, firing guns into the air and accidentally injuring and/or killing themselves. WOOOOOOOOOO!

How To: Fake sports knowledge

“Hey, did you catch the game last night?”

“Oh, uh, yeah! Wow.”

“I know! I’m just glad Philly beat Tampa after that stupid call last time.”

“Yeah, who do the Bucs think they are? Good to see the Pirates get their due. So when’s the championship game?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go over there now. If the wrong person sees me talking to you, I’m socially-obligated to beat you up.”

Was this your day?

If so, then it’s obvious that you don’t watch sports at all, which is fine, you know, since you were so busy with that manga marathon. Read on to learn how to fake sports knowledge (before some coworker beats you up in front of your boss). Continue reading How To: Fake sports knowledge

Eat My Sports: The 2008 Hurl Series

As a baseball fan, I am ashamed. I’ve squared with the fact that the season for the Red Sox just continues in March (otherwise known for some as “Spring Training”). However, this World Series has just become a joke. The umpires in this year’s edition obviously belong in the minors, Bud Selig is better served as a special PR consultant to Jose Canseco, and the whole state of Florida can eat my sports for this load of crap bandwagon for the Rays.

Last night’s game should NEVER have happened. MLB knew the forecast for Philadelphia waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before the game even started. But networks run sports these days, and FOX, which is probably ready to shoot themselves over the ratings, needed a potential championship game. Which, being a media guy, I get to some degree. But on my end of things, it’s easy to be a purest/righteous when it has nothing at stake for me. But that’s exactly why I get to complain about it, so deal with it, commies. Continue reading Eat My Sports: The 2008 Hurl Series

Make-up sets

For those of you who did not watch last night’s World Series’ Game 5 (and judging by the atrocious ratings for this year’s classic, most of you didn’t), the game was rained out with a 2-2 tie in the sixth inning. The game was called due to a rain-soaked Philadelphia ballpark, but not before the baseball gods (Bud Selig, FOX, the man on the grassy knoll) allowed the game to be tied-up by the Rays on a few weather induced balls.

The final innings will be played tonight, with coverage starting at 8 PM (EST, fool). Watch as our beloved Sox try once again to have their ALCS Game 7 loss avenged … by the Phillies.

UPDATE: Just kidding! They aren’t playing tonight, either!

You Missed It: Yes, they are legal edition

It’s Friday, which is known in some countries as the end of the work week. Fortunately, it is not the end of the news cycle–there is no end to that. Is everyone else getting sick of election-related stuff yet? We are, and if you’re looking for updates on the election this week, look somewhere else. If you were busy faking an attack on you because you’re a McCain supporter, odds are you missed it.

The games have just begun
Today is a big day for the moving picture industry. In the much anticipated sequel, the stars of Disney’s High School Musical 3: Senior Year are back for yet another choreographed romp through the halls of their school. This time, Troy, Gabriella, Sharpay, Ryan, Chad and Taylor wake up in what appears to be the lair of the notorious Jigsaw. The Wildcats must spring from their elaborate traps and fight to the death in order to survive, but it’s so hard to sing with those metal clamps in your mouth.

Hey, at least we don’t have to listen to cowbells
Sure, our beloved Red Sox may be out of the playoffs, but believe it or not, Major League Baseball still keeps playing anyway. So far, two games have been played in the World Series, and it’s even at a game apiece between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies. The series now heads to the home of the Philadelphia, where if they are anything like their local NFL team counterparts, the fans will harass, heckle and pummel Rays fans all in the name of good fun.

Everybody hates tourists
Richard Garriott, the latest space tourist, returned to Earth safely on Thursday. He is the sixth tourist in space and the first second generation astronaut. Garriot’s father was on Skylab 3. The incredibly rich man paid $30 million for his 10-day stay in space. Upon his safe arrival back to the planet, Garriott said, “It really reminded me of Space Mountain.”