You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

Choose your weapon and let's do this.
Choose your weapon and let’s do this.

If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.

January

Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.

Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.

The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

You Missed It: Pope culture edition

Making sure everyone has food? Whatever, comrade!
Making sure everyone has food? Whatever, comrade!

Well, that’s another week over. If you survived it, you should be happy. That’s really about as much as I can draw from this week. The rest of it, for me, and probably for many of you, dear reader, is more just fuel for that first drink tonight. But before that, let’s give the week one final push off the cliff. Shall we? If you were busy attempting to act on live television this week, odds are you missed if.

The cardinal and the crank
Rush Limbaugh, a famous person among arch-conservatives and people from 1995 alike, took on Pope Francis this week, calling His Holiness’ social justice movement “pure Marxism.” He said that the pope’s attack on unfettered capitalism as the new tyranny is purely politically motivated, and not a religion matter. Man, someone is getting kind of preachy!

You have an excuse to post embarrassing stuff this weekend
It was announced this week that hackers stole the passwords to more than 2 million social media accounts around the world. Word is that they obtained it through software tracking people’s every keystroke. Big deal, I could hack that many accounts just by guessing the password is “password.”

Introducing the XBra
Microsoft may have made some waves recently with the release of its newest gaming system, the XBox One, but this week, Redmond showed it still has a little but of that innovation magic that made it a juggernaut. Researchers have developed the “smart bra,” which monitors a woman’s heartbeat and other factors to track her mood and warn her when she’s overeating. A device that tells women to cut back on the snacks and pays attention to moods? There’s no way anyone but a man thought up this one. Sadly, it runs on Windows 8.

You Missed It: The wrestler edition

Tony Danza's career has been dead nearly has long as Andy Kaufman.
Tony Danza’s career has been dead nearly has long as Andy Kaufman.

Here’s a sign I’m no longer a kid: I’m not really that excited about the launch of the Playstation 4 and Xbox One. I really like my Xbox 360, and my Xbox before that. I got a lot of use out of them, though these days I seem to use my console more for Netflix than playing games. But I really don’t feel the need to rush out and get one of the new consoles. I will eventually upgrade, of course, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine for another year or so, when the prices drop a couple hundred dollars. What happened to me? I used to be cool. I used to save up my money so I could get a new system and play all the newest games. I used to be someone, now I just have bills. If you were busy trying to fix the Obamacare website this week, odds are you missed it.

The joke only he gets
This week, Michael Kaufman, brother of Andy, the famous and weird comedian, said that he believed his brother had faked his own death, and is somewhere alive today. He said he had a letter from Kaufman written years after his death, and a woman who claimed to be his daughter, born after he died. Days later, Michael said he no longer believed that his brother was alive, and that it was all a hoax. This could be the last time in history that a false rumor this big did not start on Twitter.

He’s a well-fed man
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford somehow managed to top his performance last week. He put down his crack pipe and admitted in various interviews and public statements that he purchased illegal drugs while in office, and denied that an “escort” he was seen with was anything other than a family friend. He even yelled sexual obscenities at to the media during a live press conference. Let’s just say he denied allegations that he was hungry. Does Ford have a new album dropping soon or something?

Speed reading
The next time you’re at a library, wear protection. Two Belgian professors decided to run toxicology tests on the 10 most popular books at their local library. They found that Fifty Shades of Grey had traces of the herpes virus on it, though not enough for someone to catch it. They also found that all 10 books tested positive for cocaine. In fact, there was so much cocaine that readers might be able to feel the effects through contact with the books. Rob Ford is an avid reader.