For the time being, police at the French Polynesian island of Nuku Hiva do not believe German yachtsman Stefan Ramin was dismembered, cooked and eaten by cannibals last month. The dying printed press, however, would like to remind you that it’s still in the realm of newspaper-selling reality.
Remember: A story is treated as a tragedy unless — holy crap! Cannibals!
Just when we think we’re reaching a stable point in the War on Animals, nature finds a way to change the entire game. They’re now using our own government–in this case, the U.S. fish and Wildlife Service–as a human shield.
Knowing our hesitance to open fire on endangered species, the animals are now recruiting whales and bison to conduct suicide bombings around the world. The bastards!
You know what this means, warriors: we need the Japanese.
If you read SG, you probably have a lot of money to burn, just like us. That is why you will likely find yourself in a bidding war with us over Saddam Hussein’s yacht.
It’s got pools (because, you know, swimming in the water is something peasants do) a secret passage and, of course, a rocket launching system for the the remote chance or Iranian or U.S. warplanes attacking your 269-foot superyacht.
The French seized the boat a while back and tried to auction it off. However, in a court battle, the Frenchies drew up the white flag and said it is property of Iraq. Now it’s back up for sale, and we’re going to buy it. And don’t think we’re afraid to use chemical weapons on the competition.
