You Missed It: Introspective Monologue edition

Hey, guess what? I’m about to head out for week-long vacation. It’s so close I can taste it. You know how that is, right? I’m just counting the minutes until I’m out of here.

Sound familiar? That’s probably because it’s true yet again. Like Bryan McBournie from last week, I’ll be off next week. But let’s be honest, that’s neither here nor there. If you were feeling absolutely dejected because you couldn’t tweet that Facebook was down, odds are you missed it.

It was a sad day for film fans, but a golden age for boom-box salesmen
Legendary director John Hughes has passed away. The man behind many classic movies of the 80’s, like National Lampoon’s Vacation, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Hughes seemingly dropped off the radar during the the following decades. No hyperbole intended, but the man truly shaped the sensibilities, style, humor, and outlook of an entire generation of Americans. While it’s regretful that the style of many of those Americans involved jean jackets and legwarmers, what’s even more regretful is that we’re still stuck with people like Brett Ratner.

Superman. The Sentry. Supreme. Marvelman. William Jefferson Clinton.
Yes, the same former President Clinton that, during his time in office, was brought up in an impeachment trial, negotiated with North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Ill in North Korea for the release of two American journalists that were held in the country for 5 months. Clinton came back to the United States with two journalists in tow, and has become the latest modern day superhero. While we don’t exactly know what was said during the negotiations, we do know one thing: he did not have sexual relations with that country’s leader.

What, you really thought we were done with the virus?
Beef Packers Inc. has recalled approximately 826, 000 pounds of ground beef products due to a possible outbreak of salmonella in said products. The theory being posited is that recent outbreaks among 11 states can be linked to the same company, though whether the fault lies with the packing company or the distribution company remains to be seen. Seeing as how salmonella has now made its way through a minimum of 75% of the food that I put into my body on a regular basis, it’s a miracle that I’m still alive.

You Missed It: They spent how much on what? edition

The weekend is upon us. Rejoice, for a great and miraculous time of drinking and a life away from the office is upon most of America. Or maybe that’s just us. No, wait, that’s probably just us.

Oh, what’s that? We said last week that there wouldn’t be an edition of You Missed It this week? Well, we lied. About YMI not showing up this week. Rick Snee is indeed getting married tomorrow (as of this post) and Bryan McBournie will indeed be in attendance. As such, you’re stuck with me. This is your first and only warning. Nonethless, if you were busy cleaning out your retirement fund before Wall Street does it for you, odds are you missed it.

The world is on AIG’s tab

AIG, the insurance giant that was recently bailed out financially by a Congressional bill, came under fire when it was revealed that executives were sent on $440,000 retreat just days after receiving money from said bill. It was expected that along with basket-weaving, wallet-making and bug-juice drinking, they’d also learn how to make a s’more with ingredients that cost less than 45 dollar.

It’s just a case of he said, she he said

The hopes and desires of armchair politicians were sated as yet another debate between presidential candidates Senator Barack Obama and Senator John McCain took place on Tuesday night. Adopting a townhall style format and moderated by Tom Brokaw, Obama was noted as looking “very statesmanlike”, while McCain drew comparisons to “your crazy Uncle Fred that’s looking for his meds”.

It’s a golden age for Unremovable Windows Inc.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average took numerous dives this week, ultimately landing at 679, the lowest level that it’s been to in 5 years (as of writing). The effect of this was so bad that even the Nikkei 225 Stock Average followed similar suit, dropping rapidly with an expected low opening. Noted French industry analyst was Doctor S. Urkelle was heard asking “Est-ce que j’ai fait cela?

Ye Missed It: Impending economic doom edition

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day to ye. It seems the changin’ o’ the seasons be gettin’ me down. Not in the “alas, summer be over” sense, but in the “I have a huge cold all of a sudden” sense. But yer intrepid blogger sniffles on. Pity me. In any case, if ye were busy finding kittens in yer wall, odds are ye missed it.

So, did Wall Street get hammered this time?
Lehman Brothers got bought out, AIG got saved by a big ol’ government loan of countless doubloons, and there may not be an end in sight. Critics be callin’ this the worst economy since the 1930s, and it be comin’ to a town near ye. Fear not, yer money be safe up to $100,000. And worry ye not, SG has its money stored totally legally in the First National Bank of Grand Cayman. We’re settin’ sail soon to make a deposit!

Pirates o’ the Bering Sea
Republican Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin’s private e-mail was hacked into and posted online, shockin’ many, who found that she a) hates the press that be in Alaska, b) has pictures of her children and c) likes conductin’ official business on a private e-mail account that probably be illegal in the state o’ Alaska. Naturally, this invasion o’ privacy has angered Republicans and Fox News reporters alike. Invasion o’ privacy is only good when it happens t’ ordinary people.

Seinfeld-Kramer reunion axed
Have ye seen the new Microsoft ads with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld? Well ye shouldn’t get used t’ them. They have dispatch with the ads, which featured Gates and Seinfeld meetin’ at a shoe store, then tryin’ to live ordinary lives. No one was laughin’, because Microsoft seems t’ be about as cool as it is funny. They ought t’ keelhaul whoever rolled out those ads. The ads will be replaced with the new “I am a PC” commercials, which may or may not have been cut on a Mac–seriously.