Zombie exploding caterpillars have invaded England

Caterpillars in the U.K. are becoming infected with a virus that turns them into zombies. No wonder the queen drinks so much.

According to wildlife experts, there is a scary virus infecting Oak Eggar moth caterpillars in the wild, and it’s controlling their minds until they explode. The caterpillars typically avoid sunlight, but ones infected with the baculovirus are forced to climb to up plants as high as they can and just sit there until they die. But the virus isn’t done yet. After the caterpillar dies, the virus keeps working, liquefying the innards until the body explodes, sending infectious goo everywhere to find new victims.

Needless to say, the U.K. is on high alert. We’re no scientists, but it’s only a matter of time before this virus starts infecting humans.

Drunk zombie breaks into apartment

By now, society is well acquainted on the threat posed by the undead. There are all sorts of shows, movies and other media telling us to avoid their bites and to aim for their heads. But they all fail to mention that the biggest threat is a zombie breaking and entering.

A man in Denver came home to his apartment one evening to find, to his shock and horror, a zombie passed out in chair. The place had also been trashed. When the victim woke the zombie up, it tried to grab a kitchen knife, and made threatening remarks. (Zombies are now learning to talk. Panic.) Rather than biting the guy who lived there, the zombie escaped out the door.

Now, the authorities who are trying to keep the public in the dark would have you believe that they caught and interrogated the suspect. They think you’re dumb enough to buy that just because this happened on Halloween night, it was a guy dressed like a zombie who got really drunk and passed out in the wrong apartment. If you read this blog, you know better.

The Federal Government is creating zombies

Not a dream! Not a hoax! Truly, the federal government is creating zombies! Horrible, slobbering, terrifying (paper) zombies!

The horror begins when a woman in Lodi, California, goes for a routine doctor’s appointment. Do you feel the suspense? What terror must have come about around a physician?

Turner learned she was declared dead after showing up to make a doctor’s appointment.

While some might say that she protested with the clawing of her zombie germ-ridden nails, others might say Leona Turner protested with words such as speaking to someone in front of her and telling her that she was alive. That’s difficult to do when you’re deeeeeeaaaaaad.

Some time passed and Turner received a letter from the Social Security office. They offered an apology, but not explanation for why the federal government marked her dead and then brought her back to life. They also offered no apology to the community for letting a zombie loose in the neighborhood.

When there’s no more room in China, the dead will rise

Zombie movies have happened just about everywhere. The United States, Germany, Canada, Sweden, England, Wales, Australia, India, Japan, and if I understand the trailer, perhaps some place in Africa while also facing the T-800?

But one place they haven’t happened in is China. That is, until recently.

A man in Foshan City cornered a woman on the street and proceeded to begin gnawing on her face. Bystanders came by and attacked the undead man with a shovel to no avail. When the police arrived, the zombie began chewing on one of their arms. Ghastly!

The media is writing off the incident as the actions of a mentally ill individual, but c’mon. You and I know the real truth here. World War Z may soon become a tome that predicts the future.

Night of the Douchey Dead

Alright, people of the Internet. We’ve called this meeting because it’s time for us to settle once and for all what zombies are. We believe we can all agree that, technically:

1. A person who eats faces, but is not dead, is a cannibal. [NOT A ZOMBIE]

2. A person who cuts out their own guts and throws them at the police, but again is not dead, is one of the Gang of Four. [NOT A ZOMBIE]

3. A person who hits someone with their car and then zaps them with a stun gun, but is not only not dead, but also arrested, is [NOT A ZOMBIE], no matter what their vanity license plate may claim.

Glad we could settle this. Rage on.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Tokyo Zombie’

If you see a woman force her husband to bury his mother up to her neck, then proceed to punt her head a mile into the air, you’re probably watching a Japanese horror movie. In this specific case, it’s Tokyo Zombie, a wacky farce by Sakichi Satô based on a manga of the same name. And it’s good, in that awesomely quirky kind of way. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Tokyo Zombie’

Great Ledger’s ghost!*

The ghost of Heath Ledger still refuses to move on.

While alive, he lingered around, making us watch horrible movies like 10 Things I Hate About You with our girlfriends (or A Knight’s Tale with our boyfriends).

In death, he haunted the Internet through creepy necrophiliac fans. Then he nightstalked his ex-girlfriend. (Sorry, Heath. If marriage ends at death, then dating ends at the pill coma.)

Now, he’s angling for a Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for his performance as ICP in The Dark Knight. Look, it’s bad enough that Hollywood is dangling his reanimated corpse in front of us this summer, but rewarding zombie labor? They’re stealing our jobs (and accolades)!

*Bonus Headline: