“Take. Eat. This is my bo-OW!”

We don’t like to read a lot into religion here at SG (we are, after all, Seventh Day Southern Orthodox Snake Unitarians), but that said, we think that the Sacrament of Holy Eucharist is fairly straight-forward. It’s a representative act, not something that should be taken literally.

Leave it to Australia to mess things up.

Two octogenarian priests in the land down under got into a bit of a scuffle (because OY!, that’s why) that resulted in the younger of the pair biting an ear off his elder. Now, we’re not going to jump to the conclusion that one of the priests is a zombie (at least, one initially, now it’s a pair) NO, WAIT, THAT’S TOTALLY WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO.

Zombies versus Jack Bauer

Yar! I never be someone who watched 24. I always be thinking the show be just extremely ridiculous, and that’s me saying that (just yesterday at work, aboard my vessel, I be telling quite a tale about a robot that runs around dispensing hyper-ebola). All I know about 24 is that Jack Bauer be seemingly as invincible as the Flying Dutchman and that he works for a counter-terrorism group. Also, Aisha Tyler (mmmm, Aisha Tyler be quite a tasty wench).

I can now successfully say that Jack Bauer’s counter-terrorism group, even with Aisha Tyler, be a group o’ landlubbers. The most awesome counter-terrorism group be officially HALO Corp., located out of San Diego (known to many a water-bearing vessel as Whale’s Vagina).

On Halloween, HALO will be taking on zombies. And it will not be a drill.

Actually, aye, it be a drill, but that’s okay. Part of a counter-terrorism summit, the future-training for their employees is being done in order to save human lives. It’s that kind of serious thinking and planning that brings a proud tear to my eye.

Have fun traveling the friendly, but dead skies

Luckily enough, zombies tend to be a ground based problem. Sure, we spend the majority of our time on the ground, but hey, as long as we’re not there, perhaps in the sky instead, that shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

Except now we’re giving them plane tickets.

A Swedish woman was recently given a refund of 50 percent of her plane ticket after spending her flight beside a corpse. Her seatmate, a mysterious man from Kenya, had been sweating and convulsing through the beginning of their flight to Tanzania, when after the flight had taken off, the man died.

How this man, a person who was clearly suffering from the effects of the Solanum, was allowed to buy a ticket, much less admitted onto the plane, thus putting all of the passengers and potentially more people below in danger, we’ll never know.

Brains later, mended bones now

The Resident Evil movies haven’t exactly been great. While they’re not truly atrocious, they’re definitely not good, but the only pain that the films have inflicted upon the masses has been purely of the cinematic kind. At least, before October 11, that was all they did.

On Tuesday, October 11, while shooting a scene in the newest movie in the film series, Resident Evil: Retribution, a stage collapsed and sixteen actors fell, some from as high up as 20 feet. Paramedics were rushed on site, and injuries were diagnosed as not life-threatening, but only after some time and confusion passed.

Oh, I also forgot to tell you that all sixteen actors were in full costume, dressed as zombies.

The victims’ zombie costumes made it difficult at first for crews to assess the severity of their injuries

What, did the producers put Tom Savini and Greg Nicotero to work on the make-up beforehand? That’s some good costume and make-up effects if not. Of course, this did happen in Toronto. Is this what free health care gets you, emergency personnel that can’t tell the difference between an actor and a zombie?

Maybe they should send more paramedics.

The dead need to keep the lights on like everyone else

It’s been a while since we heard from the undead. Perhaps they don’t like the heat, or perhaps all this talk of vampires and werewolves has overshadowed the threat they pose.

Let’s go to Vienna, Austria, where the scourge has returned. A woman Christine died, just ask the power company, but she refused to stay that way. This zombie was so brazen, she even faxed and emailed the utility claiming that she was not the one who died.

Sadly, the company turned the power back on. I guess they think zombie money is as good as anyone else’s.

Art school financial aid of the dead

Jonathan Holstetler died last summer. The only thing is, he didn’t stay dead. The federal government knows what’s up: he died last August, but continues to try leeching off the system like so many undead do. Folks in Tennessee, sorry, the plague has hit your state.

Holstetler found out the government was on to his brain-eating scheme when he tried to apply for finacial aid for college. It is the policy of these United States of America to not give handouts to zombies, but this one refuses to give up. He’s taking his gripe to the local media, who are known to be anti-America and pro-undead.

The dead are getting into politics again

In Tennessee, they have a loose definition of the word “alive.”

Carl Robin Geary was running for mayor of Tracy City, Tennessee, but died weeks before the election. The only problem is he didn’t stay dead. His death didn’t even stop the campaign, or his supporters. As it ended up, Geary crushed his opponent in the recent election.

His opponent had been serving as mayor until the previous one died. We have no word on whether that mayor stayed dead.

Undead animals reported in Australia

If there is one thing that this blog is vigilant about, it’s the ever-present threat that animals pose to humanity, and if we could add a second item to that list, it would be zombies. So what’s the worst-case scenario for mankind?

Zombie animals.

At a zoo in Sydney, Australia, doctors declared a pregnant elephant’s baby had died in the womb. Two days later, the elephant gave birth–and the baby was moving. The baby elephant is now being mistaken by zookeepers as living, and it’s only a matter of time before they realize it is in fact undead.

Frankly, we don’t know what happens with zombie animals. We’ve never heard of them before. But we do know this: zombanimals not only want to wipe us out, they want to eat our brains, too.

Let’s talk about the undead and the bees

It really doesn’t get much worse than this: a 76-year old Polish man fell unconscious after being stung by a bee, he then woke up in a coffin after he was pronounced dead.

Obviously, this is everyone’s worst nightmare, because no one likes bees, and we all pretty much hate being stung. But just imagine that a single bee sting can kill you. Not only that, but the bees have figured out how to turn you into a zombie after you die from their sting.

Everyone thinks that the zombie plague will come through a virus, or through bites. They are wrong. The dead will rise not because there is no more room in Hell, but because our animal foes have commanded them to.