Canadian cemeteries filling up, that’s how you get zombies

In Dawn of the Dead, we learned that when Hell is full, the dead will walk the Earth. If the same is true for graveyards, Canada is in some serious trouble.

All across Canada, cemeteries are running out of space to bury people. For the past 25 years, Canadian optimism has allowed them to build and build, without actually adding new cemeteries. Since the population of Canada hasn’t dropped, the math is simple. They’re basically playing a massive game of “Musical Chairs” with corpses.

But the real question here is what this will mean for Canada. Will this cause the dead to rise? Will our neighbors to the north be overrun by terribly polite zombies? Stock up on weapons now, just to be safe.

Science: You won’t survive the zombie apocalypse

No one will survive — not even British actors whose American accents get less genuine and harder to understand each season.

You might as well stop stocking up on bullets and beef jerky. Science says there is virtually no chance that you will survive the zombie apocalypse.

A peer-reviewed report projects that in 100 days the human population could be virtually wiped out by zombies. In fact, at the 100-day mark, there would be only 273 people still alive. Researchers assumed that each zombie would have a 90% success rate of infecting someone daily, and could live 20 days without eating. Basically, it doesn’t look good for us.

Unfortunately, this report is crap. It was conducted by undergrads, as opposed to real scientists. And the things it assumes are unrealistic. Bites are a terrible transmission method for disease, for example, rabies takes a long time to infect you. The report also leaves a lot of things out. Are they fast zombies? Are they green? How many zombies are killed by humans? Are we all infected and once we die we become undead?

Worst of all, the report doesn’t even admit that zombies are already out there, which this blog has been warning you about for years.

Ottawa overrun by zombies

Road construction signs are no joke, which is why we have to take it seriously when a signs warns of zombies ahead. We regret to inform you that it appears that Ottawa, the seat of the Canadian government, as been overrun by zombies–specifically, zombie dicks.

A construction sign in Ottawa warned drivers of “zombie dicks ahead!” No doubt the exclamation point was to emphasize the eminent danger posed to the city, and Canada as a whole. We’re not clear on why or how this plague is only affecting penises, but it should go without saying that if you see one, do not approach it.

There’s a chance it’s just zombies being dicks, but that would be redundant.

You Missed It: Undead Christmas edition

Wise zombies still seek Him.
Wise zombies still seek Him.

There are people camping out for the new Star Wars movie. The movie isn’t coming out until next Friday. That means these people are going to be outside in December for a week to see a new movie. They don’t even have to. A ton of people pre-ordered tickets to the first showings of the film, but even so, that’s only a maximum 20% of the seating available. You can show up the night of the first showing and still get a seat. Let’s hope it’s not next to the guy who hasn’t seen a shower in a week. If you were busy being named Time‘s person of the year this week, odds are you missed it.

Well he did rise from the dead
It’s Christmas time, and that means people are putting out all sorts of decorations. It also means that those people’s neighbors are getting pissed off with all of those decorations. Some tightasses in Ohio recently made headlines over complaining about their neighbors zombie nativity scene, complete with the zombie Holy Family. Despite a constitutionally guaranteed right to freedom of expression, the man’s town is fining him up to $500 per day that he had the scene up. Some people have no appreciated for The Nightmare Before Christmas.

GOP candidate says more crazy stuff
Walking Drudge Report wet dream and presidential candidate Donald Trump this week proposed that the U.S. stop allowing Muslims to enter, as well as a whole bunch of other outlandish claims you’ve already heard about. In response citizens in the U.K. are trying to get their government to ban him from entering their country. Folks, if this keeps up, we may really be stuck with him.

Admiral loses sea legs
U.S. Navy Rear Adm. David Baucom was attending a conference in Florida and decided to have a few drinks. And because he’s mentioned here, you know it was a few too many. According to reports, Baucom got so drunk at a party that he wet his pants. He was then taken back to his hotel room, but his night wasn’t over. Baucom got up to go to the bathroom during the night and accidentally locked himself out of his hotel room, naked. His actions have prompted the Navy to ask itself, “What do you do with a drunken sailor?”

Mainstream media finally covering ‘zombee’ plague

Nearly four years after we first warned you about them, it seems the mainstream media is at last catching on to the threat of zombie bees, better known as “zombees.”

The zombee plague appears to have started on the West Coast, and is making its way east. According to researchers, little flies insert eggs into the abdomens of honeybees and yellow jackets, and it drives them crazy. Before long, the bees are flying at night, and lurching around like zombies. Then they die.

Of course, experts are trying to keep the masses calm by insisting this only affects bees and yellow jackets, but since you read this blog, you know all to well that we’ll start seeing reports of humans being infected soon.

At least zombies can’t get loans

Aleksander Perstin died last year, but that hasn’t stopped him from trying to obtain credit from Experian.

Experian has sold Perstin’s credit reports over the last year because he’s dead. However, he doesn’t like that everyone knows he’s undead, so he is suing the credit agency. Perstin’s status as dead makes it really hard for him to do things with credit, like get credit cards, loans or mortgages.

When Hell is full, the dead will walk the earth in search of a nice house with an open concept.

Study: If you have broadband access, you’re not safe from zombies

Scranton is the worst place to live. But we already knew that.
Scranton is the worst place to live. But we already knew that.

For a bunch of supposed professionals telling us that it’s not real, scientists sure are obsessed with the zombie apocalypse. This time, they’re telling us where in the country we should or shouldn’t go.

According to researchers as Cornell, when the zombie outbreak happens, your best bet is to go someplace where no one really lives. Specifically, Montana and Nevada. Apparently those places could go for months, while the rest of the U.S. is overtaken by the undead hordes.

The worst place to be is northeastern Pennsylvania, according to the study.

Kansas prepares to make October 31st a horrifying day in their history

In the war against the dead, the state of Kansas has decided to be ready. Now. Well, more like next month.

Later this week, Governor Sam Brownback will sign a proclamation that allows zombie designation and announce October as “Zombie Preparedness Month.” The state’s Department of Emergency Preparedness says that zombie apocalypse prep is just the same as any other emergency prep, thus managing to eliminate any fun and specialness that the governor has created.

That said, while we at SG advocate zombie preparedness, we also are aware that the end of October is Halloween, a wonderful event that typically involves people dressing up as all manner of things, many of which are zombies. We eagerly look forward to news stories on November 1st reporting on massive accidental slaughters of innocents all across the state.

The Pentagon is ready for the zombie apocalypse

For years, governments around the world, including our own, have denied the existence of zombies, but we’ve known better. Now, it seems our concerns were justified, and not just the rantings of a hyper-paranoid team of bloggers. We have official military acknowledgement of the existence of the walking dead.

Should zombies ever launch a massive attack around the world, the Pentagon will be ready. A document titled “CONOP 8888” explains what to do when the outbreak happens. And we all know it will happen. Now, the Department of Defense is trying to cover it up, saying the document is merely a training exercise for students.

But again, we know better.

The drinking dead

Are you bored with your Downton Abbey wine? Growing tired of the latest Game of Thrones beer? Perhaps it’s time you started drinking another TV-flavored booze.

In a tribute to AMC’s The Walking Dead, Dock Street Brewing in Philadelphia is releasing a special batch of beer, called Dock Street Walker. The brew does more than just tie its name to a show arbitrarily, it’s actually got ingredients inspired by the show. Namely, this American pale stout has goat brains in it.

Of course, true fans of the show will know that the zombies on The Walking Dead don’t care about brains, it’s the flesh and everything else, too. In fact, there are very few zombie universes out there where the undead even care about which part of the body they are chowing down on. So this really is just a salute to certain aspects of zombie culture, and — hey, where are you going?