Undead animals reported in Australia

If there is one thing that this blog is vigilant about, it’s the ever-present threat that animals pose to humanity, and if we could add a second item to that list, it would be zombies. So what’s the worst-case scenario for mankind?

Zombie animals.

At a zoo in Sydney, Australia, doctors declared a pregnant elephant’s baby had died in the womb. Two days later, the elephant gave birth–and the baby was moving. The baby elephant is now being mistaken by zookeepers as living, and it’s only a matter of time before they realize it is in fact undead.

Frankly, we don’t know what happens with zombie animals. We’ve never heard of them before. But we do know this: zombanimals not only want to wipe us out, they want to eat our brains, too.

Let’s talk about the undead and the bees

It really doesn’t get much worse than this: a 76-year old Polish man fell unconscious after being stung by a bee, he then woke up in a coffin after he was pronounced dead.

Obviously, this is everyone’s worst nightmare, because no one likes bees, and we all pretty much hate being stung. But just imagine that a single bee sting can kill you. Not only that, but the bees have figured out how to turn you into a zombie after you die from their sting.

Everyone thinks that the zombie plague will come through a virus, or through bites. They are wrong. The dead will rise not because there is no more room in Hell, but because our animal foes have commanded them to.

Well thank God for Tim Tebow

The University of Florida has made great strides these past few years. From winning four national championships between basketball and baseball, to Tim Tebow reminding us that scripture can be painted underneath our eyes, to preparing for a zombie attack?

That’s right fans of Zombieland! The Gators are preparing themselves to be able to handle all kinds of natural disasters, including attacks by the flesh-eating undead. And you thought your Harvard degree had you sooooo prepared for the real world.

Escalators: bane of the dead

So, you’re in the midst of a zombie outbreak. Do you head for the hills, or take refuge in a mall? A new physics paper says that hunkering down in a sprawling shopping center will increase your odds of survival. That’s right, smarty smart people are now talking about zombies.

A paper from Davide Cassi at the Università di Parma, published this month in Physical Review E, explores how targets might be annihilated by “random walkers.” These walkers might be any moving organism that can eliminate a target, but keep in mind that zombies are the perfect analogy for these “walkers.”

The paper examines the likelihood of the targets surviving if they remain immobile within various types of structures. One of the findings is that the more complex the hideout, the less likely a random walker is to encounter a target. What does this mean? Hiding out in a building filled with twisting corridors, such as a mall or a school, offers a better chance of survival than hiding out in the open or in more open structures.

Of course, all bets are off if your particular breed of zombie, excuse me, “walker”, is driven to repeat some of the actions that it committed in life.

Let hope this doesn’t transfer over to humans

Thanks to Max Brooks, the undead have not been much of an issue lately. That, unfortunately, comes to an end today. What’s worse, is that this is where the world of zombies and the War on Animals collide.

Science has discovered a fungus that affects carpenter ants in Thailand, because in Thailand, hookers aren’t the only thing with an infection. These ants normally live high up in the trees, but when the fungus infects them, it turns the ant into a zombie and makes it crawl down the tree, close to the ground. From there, it makes the ant find a nice leaf to attach itself.

Finally, the ant dies. But rather than becoming reanimated, it instead becomes a breeding ground for the fungus, which consumes its innards as it grows. Remember: aim for the head.

Le dead, they are rising

Quick, before someone tries to cover it up or explain it all away. Check out this picture from the CNN story.

Yes, there was an accident at a Madonna concert in France, which is tragic of course, but look closer. The French ambulance, a vehicle whose sole purpose is to transport the injured and sometimes dead to the hospital, says in big letters “REANIMATION.”

Yes, reanimation. As in rising from the dead. It’s been a while since we heard from the undead, but they certainly seem to be around. Don’t let Madonna bite you!

Boston PD: Ready to do battle with the undead

When the zombies come, (and trust us, they will) you can depend on the Boston Police Department to tell you about it–unlike other government agencies, who cover up the zombie threat because they want to keep us dumb and sheep-like.

This revelation comes to us by the hotbed of pointless banter unreliable intelligence important announcements, Twitter. The Boston Police Department tweeted that one of its officers was being treated at a hospital for a human bite on May 19. Boston Police follower willcady responded, asking if it was a zombie bite, would the police tell the public.

The response: “@willcady Yes, absolutely.”

There you have it. A new era of government transparency has swept through the ranks of Boston’s finest. If the zombies hit Beantown, BPD will tell you wicked fast. Same goes for if the Aqua Teen Hunger Force plant bombs around the city.

(via Consumerist)

Money for nothing, check for free

In these harsh economic times (cliche point for me!), it’s not easy getting money. Nonetheless, here are simple steps to get a free dose of gubbament cheddar:

It’s that simple.

Put on your tin hats, kids. It’s conspiracy time. According to the government,

Social Security representatives said there is a good explanation. Of the about 52 million checks that have been mailed out, about 10,000 of those have been sent to people who are deceased.

That’s not a good reason. It’s an extremely costly reason. It’s also not the real reason. Everyone knows that the real reason is that the government is secretly attempting to fund a covert nation of zombies. Clearly.

How utterly despicable.

That will be a fun one to tell future dates

There have been a lot of shootings going on lately, we’ve noticed it, too. Mostly, we attribute it to the depressing feelings that come with spring and new life. Either that or it’s the allergy medicine.

But in Mississippi, one shooting defied the odds. A woman was shot in the head by her husband. We’re talking straight through the forehead and out the back of the skull. She then got up (her husband shot himself), made herself some tea and waited for police to show up.

We know you think we’re going to take the zombie angle with this, but you’re wrong. This woman is not a zombie because she was shot in the head. Everyone knows a zombie will stay down after a head shot. Also, zombies don’t drink tea.