Tag: Zombies

Mayor of the Dead

Citizen, you should be proud that you’re (probably) a member of the United States of America. We’re a strong country. We have values that we’ll gladly impose upon you. We know what we want and we take it! But most important of all, we’re zombie-free. Unlike Europe, which seems to be riddled with the brain-munchers, our country knows the value in putting the dead back into their graves.

Another plus for our country and not Europe? We don’t have zombies elected as political officials. While this was obviously most evident during the 2004 election, stronger evidence of this can be seen as closely as Bucharest, where recently, a dead mayor was reelected by his Romanian village. Their reason? “We’re afraid of change.” Major weaksauce, Romania. Smartly, election authorities awarded the title of mayor to his candidate before a dark ritual or Solarium could be used to expedite the corpse’s stroll back to office.

People, that’s not a bipartisan system-it’s a brain partaking system. It’s smart not to let a zombie in office. All we would have is tons and tons of legislature stating, “Send more paramedics.”

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Diary of the Dead’

Forty years after the revolution in low-budget nightmare splatter that was Night of the Living Dead, it’s worth remembering that that film’s garish power, apart from the sheer, outrageous, who will be the next to get chomped? insanity of its violence, arose out of the scary elusiveness of what it said about America. There was no exact correlation between the attack of flesh-hungry zombies—and the attack on them (”Kill the brain and you kill the ghoul!”)—and the horrors of Vietnam or the general late-60s breakdown. The metaphor was there, but it was ominously free-floating.

Contrast that with Diary of the Dead, in which Romero has the dead rising up for the umpteenth time, this time chowing down on a new generation of human meat. The opening sequence, in which a local news report gets turned into an eyewitness slaughterhouse on the street, is vintage Romero: explosive, funny, bristling with dementia. But the half-dozen college kids who scurry, by van, from one location to the next (abandoned hospital, Amish farm, rich kid’s mansion), fleeing the zombies at every turn, aren’t too much different from the Abercrombie & Fitch ciphers of Cloverfield. Here, as well, we track the characters through one kid’s shaky camcorder, a trendy device that has never worked as effortlessly as it did in The Blair Witch Project. There’s a great deal of babble about how images of the zombies are being taped, all over the world, on personal cameras and shown on the Internet. The film keeps telling us that we’ve become a society of passive voyeurs, hiding behind our technology. (We’re the real zombies, get it?) But the message is far from fresh, and you didn’t have to pretend Cloverfield was making a statement. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Diary of the Dead’

The Catholic Church locked in battle with zombies

Anyone who has ever been to Toledo, Spain knows that the city is littered with zombies, or as the locals call them “el zombieos.”

But after all this time, only now has the Catholic Church caught up on this danger to humanity. A parade featuring zombies, ghosts and other scary creatures has been deemed a blaspheme. The world media would have you believe that it was just some local actors parading down the street to mock the local celebration of Corpus Christi, a Catholic holiday, but we know better.

Sure, Reuters. Sure, it was just some actors dressed up and bent on offending the Church. That makes far more sense than the fact that it was a bold statement of power on the zombies’ part and only the pulpit sees fit to fight it, as it has so many other evils. Open your eyes!

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Day of the Dead(2008)’

With the success of the Dawn of the Dead remake it was only a matter of time before the other Romero zombie flicks were remade. Early out of the gate is Steve Miner’s adaptation of the military zombie allegory Day of the Dead, a movie that can at best be described as comical. Alas, if only we could say that this movie was at its best. Hit the jump if you’re a masochist. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Day of the Dead(2008)’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Zombie Strippers’

BRAAAAAAAINS ... AND BREEEEEAAAAASSSTTTSS.Before you start saying anything, I know exactly what you’re thinking–I’m actually reviewing a movie called Zombie Strippers? Well, come on, with a name that evocative, who wouldn’t want to see Zombie Strippers? Wait–don’t answer that just yet. Not since Snakes on a Plane has a (mainstream) film had a title so straightforward that you know exactly what you’re going to get before you even step into the theater. Where Strippers departs from Snakes, though, is that it’s actually Grade A B-movie schlock, whereas Snakes was just pretending to be. In this respect, it actually has more in common with the Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino double-bill Grindhouse–with probably about one-tenth the budget.

With that said, this review is indeed safe for work. I promise. The movie? Totally not safe for work. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Zombie Strippers’

Have skull, will smoke up

There are people that are really excited about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and then there are people that are really excited about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Unfortunately, because this is America, there are also people that want to turn a skull into a bong. Morons. I mean, everyone knows that the femur and tibula make much better devices for said bong creation. Not only that, but this is a fairly blatant sign of zombies attempting to pass themselves off as humans. Smoking out of a skull? More like eating human brains. We’re onto you undead monsters!

The punishment for dying is death

When it comes to war, the French are known for glorious battles lasting more than 20 minutes, before finally sending up the white flag and giving up. But today they could get a new stigma in their own personal battle against death.

A village in southwestern France had its graveyard fill up recently, so its mayor has commanded the citizens not to die. In fact, if one does die, the mayor promises severe punishment. This blog is unsure of what stance to take at this point, as it is not clear if the town is going to punish the families of the deceased, or the deceased themselves, should they rise up again. This blog hopes it’s the latter. Zombies cannot be tolerated.

The greedy, greedy zombies

In 2001, a Hungarian man was reported dead by his wife, who was obviously distraught. There was no body to be found, so the courts waited in 2003 to declare him deceased.

But then, last year the man rose from the dead and started staggering around, no doubt craving for brains. He and his wife were later arrested and charged with fraud, because they had apparently had over $1 million in life insurance on the man. Sorry, zombie punk! It’s called life insurance, not afterlife insurance. This serves as a reminder that the undead are indeed out there and we need to take care of them now with some swift justice.

What do you call a Polish zombie?

Poland, better known as Europe’s playground, is probably second most common butt of jokes in Europe (second only to France) but that doesn’t mean the zombies don’t take it seriously.

A man in Poland drowned in August, according to the Polish government. But now he is struggling to get the Polish government to recognize he is back from the dead. Thanks to red tape, the man cannot be a zombie until he has the government’s approval. At least their government is doing something about the threat of the undead.

Ghouls just want to have funds

Just when your faith in humanity can’t get any lower … SeriouslyGuys is here to make sure that it can! A male nurse recently admitted to stealing body parts from 244 corpses and then giving them to patients, all to make a buck. What’s really scary is that he was simply a part of ring spanning over 1000 body parts wide. Also, since we know that death certificates were forged to hide the knowledge that some of the parts were ridden with cancer and AIDS, we can only assume that the recipients of said parts will die … but how can we guarantee that they won’t die again? With a body part taking ring as large as it was, how can we not be sure that one of the members didn’t practice dark ju-ju that could create zombies? It’s a fairly easy jump to make, I’d say. Lee Cruceta and Michael Mastromarino, I’m onto you.