Now we’re letting animals choose our beer for us

The U.S. craft beer market is pretty well saturated, and it’s no secret that this is forcing breweries to do some stunts to get attention from the public. But this (and sparkle beer) is where we draw the line.

A brewery in Los Angeles will soon introduce a beer whose ingredients were picked out by a bear. We’ve gotten to the point that we need animals to select what kind of beer we’re going to drink.

Earlier this month, Simmzy’s brewery placed several different ingredients near a bear at the L.A. Zoo. The bear chose hibiscus flower and honey. And so the bear’s honey-hibiscus beer will be available next month as part of a beer fundraiser.

Maybe Japanese brewers can have their psychic octopus pick beer ingredients. Oh wait.

Flipping the bird

The War on Animals is a truly a world war, as China is quickly finding out.

At a zoo in the country that’s not huge on human or animal rights (we do not support the War on Humans), the animal resistance lives on. A myna bird has been locked away at the Jiufeng Forest Zoo because instead of greeting visitors, as it has been trained to do, it has started shouting expletives at people. Yep, as Chinese families are walking into the zoo for a day full of wonderful memories, one bird has been chirping, “F&$% you!”

More bad news: Apparently birds can speak Chinese, which has to be way harder than English.

South Africa: Kind of dicks with their elephants

A zoo in Germany has successfully inseminated an elephant with frozen sperm, providing a means to keep biodiversity up in enclosed, protective environments. It’s essential because both African and Asian elephants are endangered due to poaching and destruction of their habitats. If only there was some place with an abundance of elephants so that zookeepers wouldn’t have to go to this trouble. If only …

Oh, and South Africa has started giving their elephants birth control because they have too many of them. The biggest problem is that they keep their elephants fenced in preserves, so they can’t relieve their numbers through normal means like, oh, we don’t know, migrating?

“‘Because we have taken away opportunities, they don’t have the chance to remedy the overpopulation naturally as they would through migration,’ said Audrey Delsink Kettles, an elephant ecologist who has been leading studies for years on contraception at Makalali Private Game Reserve” rather than put two and two together by reading two articles in the same damn newspaper today.

Look, scientists. The Guys aren’t trying to tell you how to do your jobs, but maybe it’s time to stop taking your cues from a cartoon coyote? He probably doesn’t have the elephants’ best interests at heart, and what’s he gonna do with them once he catches them?

Great, now they’re using weapons

If you read this blog at all, you know the one simple truth: animals are everywhere and they are out to get us. But you’re smart, you come here for the latest updates. We help you face the danger others choose to ignore so they can sleep at night. We’re like your own person Jack Bauer.

If you ever find yourself in Sweden, don’t go to the Furuvik Zoo–unless you’re armed. That’s where the Swedes are keeping Santino the chimpanzee. Like any other chimp, Santino is dangerous as hell and has no regard for human life. But he takes it a step eviler.

Santino plots when he’s had enough of tourists. So he piles up some rocks and waits for just the right time. When the time comes, he launches the rocks at unsuspecting tourists, sometimes hitting them. Why does he do this? You can only fling poop so far.

An alliance forged in Hell

What’s scarier than animals or satanic worship? Animals and satanic worship.

Zoos around the country are encouraging children to dress as witches and Neil Cavuto and “trick or treat” on their grounds. Moronic parents are all for it because they “see the parties as a safer alternative to knocking on the doors of strangers.”

Some zoos even brought in child psychologists to make sure the displays aren’t too damning scary.

OK, so your kid walks up to a door at the zoo, it opens and just as they say “trick or treat” —

Well, isn’t that safe and not scary? The worst part is that the animals have struck another blow against our population and the kid goes to Hell because their last moments were spent in devilish mischievory.

Way to go parents. And shame on you, zoos.

What is it with the Germans and animals?

While we’ve been focusing on the Knut the man-eating polar bear story lately, it’s important to note that there are other animals in Germany. These animals are just as dangerous, not only because they are animals, but because they are German. We all know how it goes when the Germans get riled up about stuff, same goes for the animal population.

No better an example of German animals and their freaky German fetishes is there than a swan love story in Muenster. There, Petra the swan fell in love with a swan paddleboat in 2006. However, Petra was later separated from her unnatural love with a seagoing vessel, in hopes she would find a new mate. She did, but he flew off.

“A zoo statement says that Petra ‘appears to feel lonely’ and is swimming around in an agitated state. The solution? On Friday, she will be taken back to the nearby lake and her faithful paddleboat.”

Not only is this an abomination against God and the natural order of things, but it means Muenster will no longer have its main attraction, Petra the emo swan.

Cuddly? We’re afraid Knut

This blog has covered the ongoing saga of Knut, the bear cub that was raised by Berlin zookeepers after his mother decided it would be better if he died.

One year later, and his feeding habits have changed as evidenced by this new photo.  (We’re guessing this child’s mother reached the same conclusion about her own offspring that Knut’s mother did.)

What’s interesting is that animal rights activists finally agree with us: “it would be better for him to die.” (Note: this quote is completely in context.)

China steps up the enforcement

Every country needs to keep an eye on the animals within its borders, with this war going on. And it’s nice to see one country has finally taken the 1984 approach. Not surprisingly, that country is China.

Yes, a municipality in China has begun planting microchips inside zoo animals. As reported by the country’s own government-controlled Xinhua news agency, the microchips will give zookeepers instant access to information, including the animal’s name, age, gender, species and turn-ons.

Because this is reported by such an impartial source, we can safely assume the microchips are being distributed equally amongst all of the animal population in this most glorious experiment on the People’s behalf. And of course, the microchips will be removed before the animals are served at local restaurants.

Aid and comfort to the enemy

What is it with German zoos lately? It seems every single cute baby animal story is coming to us from Germany these days, which surprises this blog. If one could pick one culture that seems to be more into torture than cuteness (aside from the U.S.) one would think German culture.

Last week, a tiger cub bit off more than it could chew and started choking on it. A zoo attendant panicked after dislodging the meat but the cub still wasn’t moving. That’s when a medical student gave the tiger cub mouth-to-mouth and ended up saving its life. TRAITOR! You had this one gift wrapped for you. You didn’t even have to kill the cub, just stand there. But no, instead you save the cub’s life so it can grow up and eat you one day.