Every day, I receive more and more emails about the swine flu, vaccines and restraining orders I’ve violated. I wanted to believe that I’m better than that, that common medical queries and accusations of unwanted (yeah right) advances were beneath me.
Well, I am, but somebody has failed you. I blame the public schools, which do not deserve my money to address their shortcomings. (You want better funding? Get a government loan and go to medical school like I did!*)
However, there’s no need to go into specifics about silly hot button issues that any practitioner at the free clinic can tell you about, not when the real issue here is how to stay healthy. If you’re healthy, then swine flu and vaccines don’t matter.
Fortunately, my method is simple: the Halloween Principles of Health.
1) Wear a mask
You could worry about contracting swine flu, and you could worry about vaccines giving you Autism. Or you could wear a mask all Halloween. (Halloween is a metaphor for your entire life.)
Which would you rather be: you at the hospital or Optimus Prime at the mall?
2) Inspect your goodies before eating
Stop snickering. “Goodies” doesn’t refer to your genitals. Your penis and/or vagina. The all-natural inseminater and the procreation ventilation. The gamete projector and the conception screen. Nothing funny about this at all.
What I mean is that, like when you inspect your candy at Halloween, inspect all food you ever receive. Make sure it’s clean. Read the label for nutritional information. Keep an eye out for “asbestos” and “thetans” in the ingredients list.
But the most important part is to examine the claims on the front of the label. Not only do you want to find the best claims, but make sure they actually means something like “Now and Laters.” (You can eat them now and later! Unless you eat them now. But you could always save one for later and eat the other two now.)
If a cereal claims to “reduce the risks of starvation by 30 percent,” then, yes, that’s a bigger number than another’s claim to “make your life 10 percent happier.” However, any food can reduce your hunger by 30 percent, but are you any happier?
3) Avoid physical contact
You know how most people get herpes? From touching door knobs, especially at brothels. You could wash your hands constantly, or you could just avoid all human contact all together.
As established by the mask in step one, I don’t mean becoming a recluse. Go outside. Talk to people. Run from the police.
However, do we touch door knobs on Halloween? No, we yell at the door until someone opens it for us. (For some reason, this always works for me at malls and grocery stores.) And do we touch hands exchanging candy? No, it’s dropped into the sterile decontainment bag you always carry should you require material goods or currency from another human being.
Sterile bags include old pillowcases, garbage bags and those plastic McDonald’s Happy Meal buckets.
* Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.