Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.

Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.

We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.

And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.

It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins.

Incentives are not a new idea. They were invented by doctors in the mid-19th century when a medical condition called Slavemaster’s Elbow scourged white people across America. We suddenly realized that if slaves wee paid to do good work, rather than be whipped for bad work, then we wouldn’t have to rub so many weenises down with mercury every day.

It is in this tradition that we return to our original formula for improving health and maintaining the standard of living to which we doctors have grown accustomed.

Our first step is to create an awesome-sounding unit or—oo, even better—task force. We want it to feel like the A-Team, but with HMOhawks. And that’s why our own B.A., President BArack Obama, formed the White House Task Force on Childhood Obesity.

Besides the usual paramilitary operations, we present action reports to the President, letting him know how to pay people to get healthy most effectively. Also: how to take down organized crime families forcing cannolis down small town America’s gullets.

One of the first steps is to make cancer prohibitively expensive. No, I’m not talking about cigarette and tanning bed taxes. I’m talking about raising the medical costs of even having cancer.

See, taking away tans and smoking is the opposite of an incentive. These are things that people enjoy doing and taking them away isn’t a reward.

But, taking away cancer treatment, which is painful and sometimes more damaging than the cancer itself, is an incentive to not get cancer (however that happens).

At the very beginning of the article, I mentioned how sex didn’t work with combating obesity. Why? Because although nobody wants to be fat, the foods and slovenliness that contribute to it are an incentive. Also, exercise blows.

However, sex could work as an incentive to prevent obesity-related ailments.

According to Dr. Joan Sabate of Loma Linda University in California, nuts lower cholesterol in both men and women. Unfortunately, only one gender has them. Well, usually.

There we go: boom! Your cholesterol is lowered and your stepchildren are minded during oral sex. If those aren’t incentives, then I’m clearly not a woman.

* Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.