The doctor* is in the hizz-ouse!
It’s been a while since I’ve answered questions, but your insurance coverage ran out a long time ago.
Unfortunately for my golf game, President Barack Obama is trying to push healthcare reform through–which means more questions for me–and if it passes, I might have to actually practice medicine* for once!
So, let’s get to those letters and, if we have time, a town hall meeting!
Dear Dr. Snee,
If Obamacare passes, how would you kill my grandmother?
–Stands to Inherit a Really Nice Broach
You know, I almost hope this bill passes, if only because I’m tired of passing off my secret life as a medically-themed murderer on accidents, fatal diseases and old age. (I still shake the ugly babies myself, though.)
Really, it depends on your grandmother. Under the potential healthcare reform, I’d present her options to her and honestly assess the pros and cons of each method, all while holding her hand and blowing her little kisses. Why? Because I care.
The unfortunate part, though, is I’ll have to include some less painful choices, like a medically-induced painkiller overdose (though 3,000 Tylenol gel caps counts) or smothering her with a silk scarf.
But, let’s keep our fingers crossed for the Minefield Squaredance! It’s my own bulk-killing invention for group end-of-life therapy.
Dear Dr. Snee,
Why do people need health insurance if they can’t afford it? Isn’t that what the emergency room is for?
–Earns an Honest Living
To be honest, I wish the uninsured wouldn’t go to the ER, either. The uninsured is just a polite way of saying “dirty, poor people with veneral disease,” and that’s why we have free clinics.
If a patient manages to catch me in my office (as if), the first thing I do is have them fill out forms that ask about their medical history and insurance information. When the office admin passes it back, I skip over the medical history part and go right to the insurance.
If a patient doesn’t have insurance, then I know that whatever they have is the result of drinking, drugs, unprotected sex with many partners and fistfighting cops. I’ll prescribe some sample antibiotics because I know they aren’t gonna pay me anyway and have the waiting room furniture reupholstered once they leave.
I’m kidding about the upholstery part. I got those chairs from a police auction, what makes you think I care about what’s been sitting on them?
But, yeah, I think ER’s should turn away uninsured patients. If I’m having a genuine emergency, like a groin pull, I don’t think I should have to wait behind what’s most likely a date rapist who’s missing a hand. And with a lifestyle like that, they certainly don’t deserve insurance, either.
Dear Dr. Snee,
Isn’t Obamacare really just socialism?
–Wants My Country Back
As a doctor, allow me to say absolutely. This healthcare plan is socialism, as much as anything else I hate paying for and others may benefit from is socialism.
But this isn’t the first step our country has made towards socialism. For instance, the highway system is metaphorically and really the path to Swedenville. (I’d try to remember the name of a Swedish city, but my mind’s been held hostage by this plan for so long that I can no longer remember my past nor think of the Swedes as evil.)
I don’t want to pay for roads, and my driver likes to use them to get me to the airport. Me? I’d rather fly from my front door, but The Man said no.
Or police officers, ugh. I refuse to pay for anyone who prioritizes a hobo murder investigation over my neighbor’s encroaching willow tree. You hear me, Simmons! The cops are gonna see that root system and force you replace my prized azaleas!
IRS employees are definitely socialism. I pay their salaries (and I don’t want to), and they make me pay for my income so that other people can have playgrounds and garbage collection. No, I don’t play on playgrounds, and I definitely don’t put my garbage out for the city sanitation workers to sift through and create baseless allegations of wrongdoing.
So, yes. Obamacare is socialism. I’m a doctor. I don’t pay for your health care, you pay me.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go treat a masseuse to seeing me naked, free of charge.
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* Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.