Take it from Dr. Snee: Teach your kids to masturbate

Before we get started with this week’s questions, I just want to remind you that your health insurance provider no longer covers consultations. By reading this, you agree to pay your entire bill within 90 days. No take backs!

Too much bacon is a bad thing.

Dear Dr. Snee,

Why is swine flu back? I thought it was gone.

–Reinflating My Bubble

Three words, RMB: slow news week.

Viruses don’t go away; they just get bumped for more interesting headlines if they don’t kill enough people.

Dr. Snee:

Why does Barrackbackmountain HUSSEIN Obamanation want to teach five year olds how to masturbate?

–Harold Q. Chapman

Judging by all three nicknames you’ve given the president and the sensationalist phrasing of your question, I’m guessing you’re opposed to this idea. Personally, I have no idea what Obama does or does not want, so that’s a dumb question for a doctor.

Brought to you by Dr. Snee and the NIST U.S. Standards for Weight and Measurement.As a doctor, though, the topic of teaching five-year-olds how to masturbate is very important to me. We need to teach kids that they have the option to touch themselves rather than have sex with their teachers.

Oh, sure. Some of those teachers are hot and we wish that we had teachers like that to ease the chaffing of our own jerking years. But for every Debra Lafave, there are at least one hundred cases of less attractive, far older teachers that are getting laid, and we have to see the pictures.

And that’s just the ones that get caught! Imagine all the students that are too embarrassed to report their flappy-armed sexagenarian math teachers to the police. (Believe me when I say that as hot as “sexagenarian” may sound, it is definitely not.)

The worst part, though, is that the cases are getting younger and younger.  If we don’t give kids the option of touching themselves before they reach first grade, it may be too late!

So, if it means having to take away a child’s innocence before they learn to have sex like most people do–with college students–then I am all for teaching them masturbation. It’s the only way to instill some proper standards in today’s GMILF-obsessed society.

Dr. Snee,

A doctor may have killed Michael Jackson.  Why should we trust your advice?

–A Skeptical Reader

See? White mask.Why should you trust my advice? Because I’m not injecting it into you. I can’t kill you with words, and if I could, I certainly wouldn’t be a mere doctor.

My advice is just that: advice. Doctors aren’t trying to kill you by telling you eggs are bad for you or not to stand so close to the microwave. We’re exercising the power that comes with our advanced degrees, and that power is credibility.

No, you’ll never see it coming when a doctor wants to kill you. We’re like ninjas, only we don’t have to wear those sissy black outfits to hide in the dark. We trained for seven years to learn exactly how to shut your body down with a single stab or even hit.

So my advice in this case is not to worry about your doctor. We’re still those people you can lie to when we ask if you’ve exercised lately or quit smoking. If we really wanted to kill you, you’d already be dead.

* Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.