Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Note from Snee: Normally, you would find the ranting of a handsome man in this space. However, I’ve been offered the deal of a lifetime this week: selling my space this week to a Congressional candidate and taking the day off. See you next week, suckers!

Hi, I’m Rand Paul.

Some of you might know me because of my father, always-a-Senator-and-never-a-President Ron Paul. Others of you might know me from my practice as an ophthalmologist. (Whew! Thanks, Spell-Check!) And some of you might have already voted for me in the Republican primary and look forward to voting for me in the Kentucky general election.

Thank you for your support so far, but I’m not writing to you today.

Under the advisement of my new campaign manager, the talented and non-classically-attractive Rick Snee, I am writing in this SeriouslyGuys space to express some SeriouslyOpinions. (He assured me that his millions of readers would find this hilarious.)

You see, the lamestream media has mischaracterized my beliefs based on some beliefs I expressed on two different news programs on the same day. And, even though I’ve since recanted those ideas in a slow backpedal over 48 hours, some people can’t get past those original two separate and distinct statements of my personal political ideology.

As an eye doctor (with a medical degree and scrubs), I have to help people learn how to focus when things, like logic, get fuzzy. To continue the analogy, I’m going to hold your eyes open and drip a burning dilating fluid into them and subject you to harsh tests until you eventually leave with a pair of my “Rand Paul 2010” paper sunglasses.

Again, that was an analogy. As in, this will not be painful at all, I don’t have to dilate your pupils and weren’t you paying attention when I told you I was a podiatrist?

So, when I said that I oppose government legislation of all private businesses, including when it comes to discrimination and providing for the handicapped, what I meant was that it’s wrong to force racists to have to look at, talk to or touch money that crippled gay black people that somehow got into their boutique on the 30th floor of the Empire State Building.

Everybody is willing to talk about the rights of races, but what about the rights of racists? See, I’m a libertarian, which means everyone is equally entitled to deny liberty to anyone on their grounds.

For instance: sometimes, when I’m working in my private practice—my private medical practice—I have to perform complicated surgery on patients. Every so often, the insertion of tools creates a temporary blind spot in their field of vision, and that’s when I whip out one of my testicles.

Not both testicles.

No penis.

Just one testes.

Usually the right one, because it’s easier to reach with my left hand while I laser your cornea.

See? Because I’m the owner of that office, I can legally deny your right to know that I am a certifiable ball-airer because you can’t see it, the smaller of my two testicles, (you’re welcome) anyway. I’m not advocating rape or even indecent exposure, just the parts that apply to my private … business.

It’s the same thing for racists. Racists have a hard time because you have to either internalize your hatred or, to be a participating bigot, reveal your hand through a series of discriminatory actions or opinions, at which point word travels around fast that you’re “the racist eye doctor.”

What I’m talking about is lazing the government’s eye a bit so that racists can be racist for five minutes in the privacy of their own business, without revealing to everyone that they are–in fact–racists.

That’s all I was trying to say. But to hear me talk about it, you’d think I said that we need black ophthalmologists and white ophthalmologists, but let’s not get crazy here. I mean, maybe an Asian ophthalmologist, but a black one?

… Well, the idea of returning to an era of “separate but equal doctors” is obviously unfeasible. Obviously.

But, we’re focusing on the wrong idea here. I’m not really running on a pro-racist platform, no matter what I just said because I’m refuting that right now.

I’m running on an anti-government platform. I want to join the paid ranks of the U.S. Senate to become eligible for the most comprehensive, publicly-provided health care system in the world. And then I’ll vote “no” on everything, just like Dad (who’s also a doctor, but my degree is more up-to-date)!

Because I personally believe that the government has no role in regulating the quality of our drinking water, foods and drugs; how businesses trade stock or when planes can take off or land at airports. You see, I believe that people have proven over and over again that, when their best interests are at stake, they will take their business or vote elsewhere.

Thank you, and vote Rand Paul. Dr. Rand Paul. M.D.

Although Rand Paul wrote this op-ed, he does not endorse this message.