Take it from Snee: 10 reasons you’re unemployed

We’re officially halfway through December, which means one thing: retrospective. In only two weeks, a new year will dawn, and with it comes dreams of a better tomorrow to make up for this past suckfest.

And if there’s one word to describe why 2010 sucked with extreme gusto, it’s unemployment.

2010 was the year of the job hunt and many are either still searching or settled for positions below human decency, like marketing. But it’s not their fault, right? It’s a tough job market, and they joined LinkedIn and pushed resumes like counterfeit bills in a sex mall.

Wrong. According to LinkedIn, there are 10 very specific reasons why you’re still un- or under-employed.

10. Entrepreneurial

To put this simply: if you were really entrepreneurial, you wouldn’t be applying to work for someone else.

You’ve just demonstrated that either a) you don’t know what “entrepreneurial” means, or b) you failed miserably at it.

9. Problem solver

In the very recent past, “problem solvers” called themselves engineers, regardless of their non-engineering degree in Communications. You may have solved the fraud part of your resume claims, but there’s still the problem of your unemployability.

(Also, you sound like Vanilla Ice.)

8. Fast-paced

Walking speed aside, fast-paced implies that speed is your only focus, accuracy be damned. This is a job, not an action flick and certainly not intercourse.

Save the time trials for the typing test, Speedy.

7. Team player

Much like in sports, everyone is a player, but few are actually good players. Saying you’re a team player indicates that you’re either the door mat that finishes everyone’s work for them or the slacker that only shows up to the presentation to “present.”

6. Proven track record

Ah, another sports word. Business is full of these because the goal of any yuppie scumbag is to one day own a team or sponsor one of the many meaningless college bowl games.

Unless you have an employment coach, you don’t have a “track record” in anything. Nobody’s timing your PowerPoint slides building. They’re certainly not determining when you’ve broken the world record for longest work period without a bathroom break. And if you do have an employment coach, then why are you looking for a job?

5. Dynamic

What are you, a cartoon?

“Dynamic” is one of those words that, in the business world, means whatever you want it to. In the future, let’s stick to words that you didn’t find on a Gatorade bottle.

4. Results-oriented

By saying you’re results-oriented, you’ve just implied that the rules and consequences may be damned. How many people have to die to get your budget report done in time?

3. Motivated

Yes, but what are your motivations? Your motivation may be to conceal the most hours of Angry Birds without falling behind on your budget report mentioned above. Another motivation? Your aggressive cocaine habit.

2. Innovative

Considering that this is a list of overused filler words from resumes, and “innovative” was number two? You’re not innovative.

You might as well describe your current job as, “It is what it is,” and reason for leaving as, “having entirely too much fun here.”

1. Extensive experience

Your “extensive” experience indicates that, when asked for your level of expertise, you err on the side of alliteration. Much like all the other terms on this list, it offers no real qualification to your answer. You just read a list of job requirements and said, “Yeah, I’m that. Only extensively.”

It’s when words are abused to this extent that they cease to have any real meaning, which is bad for you because you’re using them and worse for them because I have to relegate them to the language gutter. Such a shame, too. They were nice words.

… Well, except “dynamic.” That’s just stupid.