Take it from Snee: A heartfelt apology

Look, as a comedy writer, sometimes I say and do mean things. My particular brand of comedy leans anywhere from provocative to “let’s see if my penis fits in there.” And, you know what? Sometimes I have to step back and say I’ve gone too far, especially when it concerns people’s feelings.

I know you expect Take it from Snee (to try) to be funny. You want to see goofy pictures and read cannibalism jokes. I wish I could deliver that to you, but I just don’t feel funny right now. In fact, I feel like s#&t.

So, there’s only one thing I can do this week, and that’s to man up and apologize. Otherwise, I might never be able to look myself in the mirror, much less make light of my third nipple.

Here goes: I’m sorry I gave your son autism, Jenny McCarthy.

I know you thought it was vaccines, and with whooping cough and other viruses making a comeback, I should have spoken up sooner.  I just thought it was really funny that you were willing to blame the same shots that you and your parents got growing up for a disease that just became prevalent in the past 10 years.

I even thought I was off the hook when Evan recovered, figuring, “OK, the joke’s dead. On to pouring Cialis into the water supply!”

But, that wasn’t the end. Even today, you’re still insisting that vaccines cause a little understood disease that turns your children into a mental wreck that schools and babysitters are ill-prepared for.

Doctors have tried everything, from releasing every study ever made to connect autism to childhood vaccinations to retracting Andrew Wakefield’s bogus study. But all of that won’t help you and other parents accept this until the real cause is found.

It was me. I did it.

It wasn’t a vaccine. It wasn’t a vaccine preservative.

I just thought it might be funny … if your son got autism. I know, it sounds like such a dick thing to say. But, you’re his mother; you wouldn’t get the joke.

I thought it was even funnier when other parents followed your advice and kids started getting whooping cough and the measles for the first time in decades. If you were a comedian you’d understand: kids with spots on their faces–hi–larious!

“Whooping cough.” Whoop! (It’s a very funny sound effect if I could say it out loud right now.)

Like I said, if you weren’t a mother, maybe you’d get why someone like me … at the time … could think I had just struck comedy gold.

But, you know what? I’m a victim in this, too.

All those old school, goofy medical hijinks–I couldn’t take credit for a single one of them. Not. One.

The only way any of this would work is if you kept pushing a medical opinion that was not only based on no fact whatsoever, but on a prank I thought up while drinking Ecto-Cooler and Vodkas.

But, I’m not trying to make this about me and the world not recognizing my status as a comedy god. If I were you, I’d think this whole apology was just a means to finally “take credit” for a joke I’ve let stew for years.

It’s about taking responsibility for letting one out of four U.S. parents think that their kids are safer with polio, hepatitis, tetanus, meningitis, HPV, diphtheria, pertussis, mumps, rubella, chicken pox, strep or rotavirus than the .09 percent chance that any child, vaccinated or not, being autistic.

I’m glad Evan’s better, and I hope this helps.