Take it from Snee: America steps it up

Some people out there would balk at a plan to burn a heap of Korans on September 11. Not I. I don’t know how to balk. I once thought I balked, but everyone agreed that it was nothing like a balk and I most likely mistook caulking for the act I intended.

The point is: desecrating the holy scripture of the guys we’re too afraid to put in regular prison isn’t just OK; it’s the greatest idea that anyone–much less a Floridian—could ever think up. (Seriously, did Terry Jones hire a consultant?)

It is high time that a small group of Americans act on behalf of all of us and stick it to some non-believers. Hit the jump, and let’s light this trashcan full of Good News.

For nine years, we’ve pussyfooted around with Muslims. Any nation can invade two countries, install democracy and leave a few Burger Kings behind to stave terrorist recruiting.

But where’s the passion!? The fire!? Where are the crazy people in the streets, burning s#@t?

That’s right: in the Middle East.

Nine years, and we’ve still got a burning moron gap. How does a society that can float a grill in a pool fall behind the Taliban? Is this what we’re sending our girls to school for? It’s not like they’re actually coming up with ways to out-qaeda the terrorists.

I mean, sure, a handful of us are willing to take to the streets over Twilight or taxes, but until two weeks ago, nobody could be bothered to fart on a falafel stand. Do you know how hard it is to not do that? If it weren’t for a few brave Muslim Americans building a mosque just to push us off our lazy asses, we’d still be railing on the President for only being a socialist.

As Mr. Gingrich–Newt, if you’re nasty–finally put it, “There should be no mosque near Ground Zero in New York so long as there are no churches or synagogues in Saudi Arabia.” He gets it! We are finally waging war like the average undereducated fundamentalist terror-supporter.

Slowly, but surely, we are working our way up the symbolic burning ladder, which is not to be confused with the popular children’s game, Literally Burning Ladders: Now with Less Chutes.

We started with burning lumber at the Murfreesboro, Tenn. mosque construction site. Lighting wood on fire isn’t very symbolic, per se, but it was a positive step away from burning wood in fireplaces and beach orgies.

Then, we lit up message boards to make it clear that we were not afraid to burn our friends and loved ones online. This might’ve been a little too symbolic in the burning sense–as in nothing actually burned–but, that just brought us to the next logical step: burning Korans.

Of course, there will always be the usual suspects when it comes to opposing the burning of things: parents, teachers, the Pope. But that’s OK. If there’s anything we’ve learned from our flag, Bible and infidel-burning friends in the desert, it’s that we can burn our peers next when we run out of Muslims.

I’m proud of you, America. We showed the world we could hang with them in the World Cup; now let’s teach them a thing or two about ignorance!