Look, I know we’ve had our differences in the past. You wanted to be vice president, and I wanted an Earth where there’s no country ass-backwards enough to let that happen. Tomato/tobacco, right?
I’m not writing this to discuss the last election. Bygones are bygones … Well, except you’re not bygone, bygod, now are you? In fact, it seems like you want to be President in 2012 if your non-Alaskan activities are to be interpreted correctly.
This would be a huge mistake. You see, I’ve learned some things about you from last year that you appear to have not. Please, let me rectify this oversight in hopes that you might become a peaceful, and maybe better, person.
You’re not a very good speaker.
Normally, this would not disqualify someone from public office or, your version of it, rampant attention-seeking. Just look at our last president or Calvin Coolidge, who was so quiet that people still have to look him up on Wikipedia.
And this would not disqualify you if your sentence structure, word choice and tone didn’t make George W. Bush sound like Professor Higgins.
What’s really bad is that you graduated from college with a degree in communications and even worked as a television sports journalist before successfully running for office in your home state several times.
So, all of this training and work experience in public speaking managed to convince people that …
You might be (only) borderline retarded.
Is it sexism? Maybe. People didn’t treat Hillary Clinton or the disinterred bones of Geraldine Ferraro very nicely, either.
But, you’re not helping the case with certain policy positions, like:
- “Alaska defends the U.S. from Russia and Putin,” and you have the authority to declare Russia an enemy of the U.S., right? You’re using that a time-honored governor role since Colorado declared war on Zimbabwe?
- “States don’t need federal aid money,” so long as those states can sell out to oil companies at every opportunity, including wildlife refuges and your own backyard.
- “No need to address global warming, man-made or not,” but the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers had to dedicate resources and $130 million in April to relocate an Alaskan Inuit tribe whose village flooded with rising ocean water, and may have to do so for another 60 tribes in your state the next 10 years. (But Katrina was New Orleans’ and Louisiana’s fault, right?)
- “Abstinence-only education will prevent unplanned pregnancies,” when you ended up with, not only a knocked-up teenage daughter, but also an unplanned son in your 40s.
So, the majority of this country may doubt your ability to reasonably govern, make difficult decisions or drive yourself to Arby’s.
Of course, that’s not everyone. What about the people who did vote for you …?
Your few supporters only want to f##k you.
Remember that sexism possibility? To be honest, it’s the best thing you’ve got going for you.
Turn on Fox News. Oh, your TV was already there, good. Now, which older, less attractive women are the hosts allowing to speak without interrupting?
No matter when you read this letter, the answer is “none” or “what old chick?”
It’s OK; plenty of conservative women have made a career this way: Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, Michelle Malkin and so on. Even Greta Van Susteren got plastic surgery for job security to fit in better.
But that’s just Fox News, right? Fair enough, Sarah. But name the other television network that gave you a friendly interview. And if you still don’t believe that sexism got you where you are (wink!), then name that other famous Alaskan governor.
However, not everyone could possibly hate you for being an idiot, right? That must mean …
You’re helping the Democrats succeed.
And despite my own political leanings, that’s not good.
You see, this nation was founded on the principle of checks and balances, and while political parties weren’t originally intended or part of that equation, our political system is as it is. With professional idiots on both sides trying to sneak partisan pet projects through necessary legislation, we don’t need the opposition party to lose any further average IQ points in the public eye.
Sure, you’re only governor of Alaska, but every time you speak, it’s as that former VP candidate/possible presidential candidate. This makes you a representative of the national Republican party and keeps future Republicans from wining congressional seats … except in states where the important national issues are still bible literacy and homosexuals.
We’ve had our fill of bible literacy and homosexuals. We need smart opposition to drown out your party’s stupid and counter any Democrat stupid. Do you get it, stupid …?
This is why only some people got mad at Letterman.
You’re understandably upset that David Letterman joked about your “‘slutty flight attendant’ look,” A-Rod knocking up your 14-year-old daughter and later comparing her to one of Eliot Spitzer’s call girls. But, why isn’t all of America calling for his head?
Because we’re hoping this could be the last straw and you’ll go away.
Besides, the jokes may be wrong … but also funny.