Take it from Snee: As Seen in the Paleolithic

Foolish as it may seem, I don’t believe everything I see in commercials. For instance, when InventHelp says that the guy who invented the Splash Wash, a car wash for kids, by watching children play, I find it hard to believe he wasn’t masturbating at the time. Or that the woman’s whose hair is blown permanently back by the Trojan Vibrating Twister isn’t held there with semen.

But, there’s one idea that completely stretches my brain’s capacity for hogwash (which is another use for the Splash Wash, by the way), and it’s that modern man has just now solved the problems inherent in wearing a blanket.

The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy aren’t bad ideas, though. To the contrary, I long for the day when I can wear the poncho I was given to keep warm in a Tijuana jail cell to work. No, what’s nearly impossible to fathom is that these products are awarded patents for what humanity already accomplished in the Paleolithic Era.

Granted, it’s not uncommon for society to forget previous innovations, like trepanning, a medical practice dating back to the beginning of human history that pops up every time a doctor wants a license for drilling holes in people’s heads.

The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy follow the same path, starting way back in the Ice Age …

Grog Invents “Clothes”

One early morning, as Grog from the Clan Hardrock was tracking breakfast – in this case, a mammoth – he kept fiddling with his bear skin. At first, he draped it over his shoulders, but it kept sliding down every time he bent over to smell some dung. So then he tied it at his neck like a cape, but the skin was too heavy in the back and choked him.

Just when he was in the middle of readjusting it once again, a saber-toothed cat leapt out from behind a rock. Grog took off running, leaving his bear skin behind and spent the rest of the day hiking back to his tribe naked in the cold.

Grog thought to himself, “There must be a better way.” And as he glanced down at his genitals to think, he noticed his scrotum. “Hm,” he thought, studying what appeared to be a seam running down his sac. “The sex marbles do not fall out when I run.”

What would hundreds of thousands years later be described as a light bulb turned on in his head. And that was how Grog made his tens (of wives) by inventing sewing and sleeves.

The Ancient Greeks Put a Lid On It

Of course, clothes didn’t take off immediately in warmer climes, especially when everyone was happy to see the end of the Ice Age.

The Greeks, who had already invented philosophy and gyros, felt pretty good about themselves. They were masters of war and won all the gold medals in their Olympics because nobody else was allowed to play.

The only problem was that they couldn’t wear their togas while doing any of it, because togas are merely sheets and blankets were wrapped just tight enough to stay on with one hand, but loose enough to sneak up on goats before shepherds knew what you were up to.

All in all, nudity wasn’t a problem per se … until they started fighting other countries. Suddenly, invaders came out of the woodworks, figuring the naked Greeks for sex-crazed babes. And that’s when one Greek philosopher, Dragabrestes, who was already working on improving the gyro made his breakthrough: just as foil can hold the pita and ingredients together, so too could armor keep a warrior’s dangly bits out of Darius’ reach.

Mary Tyler Moore Invents Girl Pants

In 1961, Carl Reiner and Dick Van Dyke got an idea: making a sitcom starring Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore. Everything was proceeding smoothly, except Dick kept tripping over the Ottoman, making Mary uncomfortable as he acted out scenes looking up her skirt.

Mary was about to quit the show before a complete episode could be filmed, when she noticed that, while Dick could see up her skirt from the floor, she couldn’t see up his bi-legged skirts. She met with a costume designer, and together, they developed pants for women and Italians, now known as Capris.

Since then, women have often worn pants, but still throw on a skirt now and then to airdry.

America Gives Our Tired, Huddled Masses Snuggies

By 2008, the United States had maintained superpower dominance by inventing nuclear weapons and power, non-communist spacecraft and the Internet. But, we were hampered by our dependence on blankets made of synthetic materials like polar fleece or Velux.

In response, America faced her own blanket demons and invented sleeves and jumpsuits.

The Future?

The U.S. is a relatively young country, so we should still have plenty of time at the front of the U.N. back rub line. But who knows what the future holds? Perhaps in a thousand years from now some other country, like China, or a global government will forget how blankets make poor clothing.

Looking back at history, I think we’ll be just fine.