Contrary to what the headline implies, no, I haven’t modernized “Rock, Paper, Scissors” into a post-Victorian world. (Although there is room for “Steam-Roshambo.”)
This is actually a very simple, straightforward thesis: axes are better than guns.
As the founder of the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarianism Militia, I believe in the right to bear all arms, including–but only starting with–guns. At this stage of defending the second amendment, it’s high time we finally acknowledged that guns, while certainly “arms,” are kind of a sissy thing to wield unless you’re fighting the military.
For every other application, axes have guns beat, hands-down.
1) Axes are legal to carry in every single state, city and university.
The only place they aren’t allowed is on planes, but that’s only because the TSA is dedicated to stamping down our Constitutional rights. Last I heard, the terrorists used box cutters, not tree cutters! When axes are outlawed, only criminals will have axes!
You can, however, take them into Starbucks, bringing us to my next point …
2) Axes are really, really, manly.
You think your dick is great gun metaphor? Try comparing your axe to it!
Why, the heft of your axe could offset the emasculation of ordering hot bean water with baby juice and cookie powder in Italian.
4) Axes are cheaper than guns.
Even though I’ve always advocated that the Second Amendment supersedes local shoplifting laws when it comes to weapons, guns are often protected by armed people, so they’re still prohibitively expensive.
But, you know what’s in a nearby section at Wal-Mart? Axes, which are available for less than $30.
And, you never have to reload an axe, so there’s no fee for throwing it around the shooting range.
5) Axes are safer than guns.
That’s not to say axes aren’t very dangerous and that they–and the unsarcastically macho carrying them–shouldn’t be feared and respected.
However, guns only fire with one setting: puncture.
Axes, on the other hand, are capable of three levels of violence vigilance:
- Poking (with the handle end)
6) Axes are a great workout.
You know who’s fat? America. And part of it is because our entire society is point and click. That makes all of the past presidents, except Taft, roll around in their libraries. (They’re buried in those things, right? What have I been checking out of Grant’s Tomb?)
Axes, like your grandparents in the 70s, are point-and-swing. You can’t even carry an axe without getting a little stronger.
8) Axes are easier to clean.
You will never have to take apart your axe for cleaning. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb here and vouch that they are dishwasher safe. So, axes are better than guns and fine China. (Hope that one stings, Duelly McFancypistols.)
9) George Washington was depicted using an axe.
In all those pictures of our first U.S. President, where’s the one of him holding a gun? He couldn’t tell a lie about hacking a tree to death, yet he never exactly owned up to shooting a few drunk Hessians on Christmas Eve? It’s like he was ashamed of guns or something.
10) Axes are scary.
Anyone can use a gun. Movie monsters and serial killers use axes.
And there you have it: 10 reasons why axes beat guns.
I hope this has been both instructive and peer pressurey enough to assure me that, the next time you go to battle or the bank, you won’t forget your axe.