Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

When I read that a dead body had been found in one of the Los Angeles International Airports’ bathrooms, I said, “Thank God.”

What? That’s not good news? How do you figure?

I didn’t hear any of what you just said because this is text on your computer screen, but I will tell you why I feel better knowing that there was a corpse in the bathroom of a heavily trafficked public area: he made it.

What I mean is that, when I die, my body will release whatever waste is inside of it. I always figured that meant I was guaranteed to soil my pants, bed or coat closet. But, this guy made it to the bathroom before it could happen. I could make it too.

So, that’s one fear allayed of many. Let’s take a look at some of the others.


Technically, this is more of a fear of confrontation.

Spiders are certainly scary in their own right. Their legs and eyes are paired in even numbers, which makes them symmetrically evil. But, they still eat bugs, so I’m cool with them so long as they stay out of my hair, home and schools.

But, having to confront a spider is terrifying, and my fears were realized just the other day. I swatted a spider, missed and it jumped on me.

No matter what you do or watch on television, nothing gets the feeling of spider off of you. It’s like they secrete fear acid.

Fear: Realized and horrible.


Even though I’m married, I still have nightmares of getting herpes. Did you know that you can have it and it won’t manifest any symptoms for years? I could be smuggling dick bumps as we speak.

Thanks to Philadelphia and Ryan White, it’s OK to die from AIDS. Hell, it’s noble. But who weeps for Adonis’ warty knob?

Fear: Safer to never manscape than possibly find a mister blister.

Subtly spoiled fruit and vegetables

I routinely just assume vegetarians are wrong. About anything and everything.

I eat fruit and vegetables, but I also eat meat because I don’t believe that fruit and vegetables are cruelty-free, and if I’m going to be a killer, why be choosy?

So, that means that, somewhere along the way, the plants that we eat and harvest are going to evolve ways to stay alive (i.e., kill us). The obvious way is to rot the food part just beneath the surface so you won’t know until you take a bite. And then it’s too late!

Maybe I should eat kumquats on the toilet … just in case.

Fear: My mouth’s all starchy like I ate an unripe banana. Wait, will that kill me?

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