Take it from Snee: Can’t wait for that Depression!

A few months ago, we asked you to do something. Don’t remember? Starbucks was in trouble and you were supposed to help save them. We don’t ask you for much, but the one time we do, you let them fall deeper in debt and close 600 locations.

So, here we are, America. With talks of foreclosures, unemployment and gas shortages, we are verging closer and closer to a Recession, which is just a nice way of saying Depression. (Before “Depression,” they were called “Panics.” Eventually, we’ll call it a “Bother.”)

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “No big deal. My parents are loaded. I’ll just kill them.” Unfortunately, your money is only part of the problem. If we enter another Depression, all the money in the world won’t buy any of the following necessities.

Gourmet Coffee Shops

As mentioned before, Starbucks is shutting down 600 locations. That’s big news until you realize that’s only 8 percent of their worldwide stores. So without one on every block now, people are gonna forget about their favorite caffeinated mermaid. Starbucks could very well go out of business, dragging down all their copycats because you haven’t fed your orange-mocha-frapachino addiction in the last 30 minutes.

A weary, decaffeinated U.S. won’t have the energy to walk further than their parking lot for coffee, so more of us will try brewing our own. After tasting Folgers without whipped cream and that hint of pseudo-hippie sweat, we’ll turn our backs on all coffee in general.

On the plus side, those modestly hot “artsy” girls will find more gainful employment at Hooters.

Cell Phone Bling

I know, I know. It’s too scary to even write; I can’t imagine how it must be to read it unprepared like you just did. But, we can’t ignore the real victims of this soon-to-be Depression.

And those victims are anyone who would accessorize their cell phone. Hell, there’s a good chance cell phones themselves would be limited. Think about it: why pay $30-$70 a month for cell service when you can get local calls from your home for nickels?

Whether cell phones fade away or not, their bling will definitely go the way of mood rings and bedazzled eye patches (pirate bling).

Ritalin

In the Depression, nobody will have health care, either because we’re all unemployed or the system collapsed under the weight of new railway accidents. You’d think that, at a time like this, people would want fewer mouths to feed. And you’d be wrong.

Ever notice how third world countries are full of families with 6-20 kids? That’s because each kid represents more labor to produce food or make money. To get the most reward from your brood, you need them to work as energetically as possible, so no more doping.

In fact, it’s not surprising that there was no ADD or ADHD until child labor laws: either the kids were too tired from working the mill or we didn’t notice how often we beat them for chasing butterflies during the harvest.

Unfortunately, this means I’ll lose all my elementary school dealers. (Stay strong, Seth.)

Teeth Whitener

As I look at more and more pictures about the Great Depression, I’ve noticed something: nobody’s smiling? You know why? Bad smiles.

After working a 16-hour day, nobody will have the strength to brush their teeth, much less lock lips with somebody. We will focus less on our appearance and simply breed to shut our parents up about gender-neutral “grandbabies.” Ergo, no need for whitening products.

Rivers that aren’t dammed

After everyone gets laid off from their technical writing, graphic design and human resources jobs, they’re going to complain to the federal government. In response, they will come up with the only job they can think off: building dams.

On the plus side: every state will now have at least one lake. (Eat that, Minnesota!)

On the negative side: once the dams are done, our next jobs will be fertilizing salmon in vitro.