I’ve worn many hats in my day: lover, fighter, bitch, mother, firefighter (stripper at a children’s birthday party), Corsican–this list could go on and on. But, the most important hat I’ve ever worn is that of a problem-solver, a societal engineer if you will.
Right now, we have two major problems here in America:
1) There’s a new citizenship test for immigrants who are in the process of naturalization. The only hangup is that some people think the answers might be too hard for non-English speakers.
2) The moderator for the vice presidential debate might be biased against idiots people who are really smart, but just don’t come across that way when explaining why they’re smart. Just like O.J., Sarah Palin might have a hard time Thursday night because somebody might have read a newspaper that morning.
Here’s the solution: switch the formats.
That’s right, I mean that the vice presidential candidates should take the written citizenship test, and the new immigrants should debate for their naturalization.
OK, we all know that written citizenship tests are pretty hokey. How is it even possible to cram all of high school social studies into one test? It’s entirely useless for the immigrants, because I’m a citizen and if I fail social studies, I can still drop a Grammy-winning album and/or collect welfare.
But there’s only one thing hokier in America than some kind of super American entrance exam, and that’s the office of the vice president. It used to be the runner-up to president, but now their job description is as wide open as an intern. Hell, some people don’t even know what branch it falls under.
So, vice presidential candidates don’t exactly need to debate, but a simple job application wouldn’t be enough. That’s where the new naturalization test comes in.
They’ll be asked critical thinking questions about everything a politician should know, like, “What was the Civil War about?” and “Which amendment guarantees the right of habeas corpus?” You know, so we can find out what they know, as opposed to what they–or their running mates–think.
This also opens up the competition into one very important category: penmanship. (Pen-person-ship?) It may seem like a trivial matter to you, but what happens if the president can’t read the vice president’s morning post-its? That’s how Presidents declare war on frogs.
And then there’s still the problem with immigrants: they’re eating all of our hospitals. We also have trouble telling them apart by eyesight and their names are all gibberish on paper. But we know the good ones when we hear them speak!
By forcing immigrants to debate on national television for the right to become Americans, we can separate the English-speaking clean folks from the ones that will steal my wife and kids while I’m out picking up KFC.
And if the liberals out there want to grant amnesty to certain immigrants, all they have to do is call the voting hotline to pick who stays and who goes back to Whereverstan.
So, if the country were to institute my ideas:
- The Republicans would be happy because Sarah Palin won’t embarrass them on national television.
- The Democrats would be happy because Joe Biden is not a real concept and only works on paper.
- The immigrants would be mostly happy because they won’t have to waste an afternoon on bullsh–ting some “Go America!” essays.
- The voters would be happy because Omar from Tanzania isn’t just handsome, but a genuinely nice guy who deserves their vote. (So well-spoken!)
- I would be happy because I just got paid a fabulous cash prize for fixing the country.
So that’s it: make the immigrants debate for naturalization, make the veep candidates cram for the civics exam. Also, we should legalize pot.
OK, one improvement at a time, I guess.