Take it from Snee: Cleaning out the language gutters

Every few years, I find that it’s time to clean out the old lexicon. Everyday language is a constantly evolving collection of trendy phrases from movies, literature, music and–as The Guys would like to think–blogs.

But as time marches on, those phrases cease to remain useful. Sometimes they’re no longer relevant, other times they’ve been brow-beaten so low that they no longer hold any real meaning. It’s time to flush these five clichés so we can make room for newer, more interesting terms.

1) Web 2.0

Current Definition: No one’s really sure, but it apparently applies to when all Web pages got white backgrounds and allowed comments and profiles.

Origin: Probably somebody’s “hip” parents

Web 2.0 is one of those terms that only work in hindsight, like eras of literature or invention. Cavemen didn’t call themselves the benefiters of the Stone Age. The Information Age wasn’t coined until Wikipedia changed the definition of “information.” To apply a label to the current overall online trend is like giving yourself a nickname: nobody thinks you should be called “Snake” and will continue calling you Peewee.

So either the Web 2.0 period is over, or it doesn’t really apply. Since there is no real definition for it, as demonstrated above, it’s time to retire the term.

2) The suffix -gate

Current Definition: A career-ending scandal involving an elected official.

Origin: Watergate

Among Richard Nixon’s finer achievements, his most lasting blow to America was adding the suffix -gate to the English language. The Watergate scandal was so pernicious that it actually distracted everyone (except Oliver North) from the disastrous Vietnam War.

Because he resigned before reporters could cover his public caning in front of the Smithsonian castle, Watergate was never sufficiently resolved. Therefore, every political scandal would henceforth end in -gate, hoping that the next time, we’d all get a chance to kick a politician in the butt.

These examples include Lewinskygate, Spitzergate and who could forget Stairsgate.

It’s time to let go, ace reporters. This term definitely falls under the “dated” column. Besides, Nixon’s scandal didn’t involve water: his cronies broke into the Watergate Hotel.

3) Decimate

Current Definition: To wipe out or completely annihilate an entire group of people or things

Origin: The Romans

To quote Inigo Montoya, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it does.” Decimate is commonly used as a fancy way of saying “wiped out” or “completely annihilated.” Unfortunately, the people that use it that way did not study Latin. (How did they pass the verbal SAT?!)

Decimate breaks into two Latin parts: 1) deci, which refers to 10; and 2) mate, which does not mean “to have sex.” Unless you’re a necrophiliac.

The Romans, who were probably cocky because they all spoke high-falutin’ Latin, ran into a brick wall when they needed to punish their army, but still needed soldiers to fight wars. Since this was ancient Rome, nobody was really afraid of push-ups. Thinking quickly, they decided to line up their troops and kill every tenth man. Problem solved.

I’m not saying it’s necessarily time to retire “decimate,” but we will essentially do that if we require writers to only use the word when one-tenth of a group is destroyed or killed. Speaking as a writer, math isn’t exactly our strongpoint.

Update (3/20/2008): I forgot that fellow Guy, Bryan McBournie, wrote about the proper use of “decimate” a year and one month ago to the date. With apologies to Bryan, be sure to check it out. He doesn’t butcher Latin to make a necrophilia joke, which may or may not be a good thing.

4) Engineer

Current Definition: A problem-solver

Origin: Cubicle-dwellers with unsatisfactory job titles and salaries

Chances are pretty good that your office is full of engineers. Mine is, but that’s because I work with certified electrical engineers. So why are paper-pushers and button-mashers in other offices called engineers?

The original word is a Middle English invention, back when English sounded a lot like French because of the Norman invasion. It originally referred to schemers, which may or may not describe your coworkers, but wouldn’t be considered the résumé-padding we use it as today.

At some point, probably when science wasn’t considered the work of the devil, it referred exclusively to designers and supervisors of engines. However, this probably also led to the first abuse of the title.

Coal-shovelers in trains didn’t get a whole lot of respect. They were dirty and smelled like the gates of Hell. They probably unionized, declared “shoveler” to be a derogatory term and started calling themselves “engineers.” They were rewarded with funny caps and pocket watches. In that tradition, everyone with a crappy job now requests the title of engineer and all the rights and privileges that come with it.

The reason for retiring “engineer” is simple: if everyone is an engineer, then why do we still have problems? And if making the trains run on time is the purists’ definition, then I’m hesitant to compare anyone to Musolini.

5) The flu

Current Definition: Any sickness between the common cold and AIDS.

Origin: Same as “engineer,” only with unsatisfactory vacation time

Everybody wants a day off from work or school, but the cold just doesn’t cut it. Having a cold is like having an allergy: pack some tissues and suck it up, weenie. If you call in from work with a cold, it’s just assumed that you’re playing hooky.

The flu, though, is some scary sh-t. It’s like a cold, only it includes any other symptoms like vomiting, muscle cramps and possible death. Everybody is afraid of the flu, which is why we have new vaccinations for it every year, but there’s still no AIDS vaccine.

It has become the de facto reason for calling in sick. Claiming food poisoning just means you have to tell everyone what you ate, which could drive your favorite restaurant out of business. Anything more serious, like lupus or AIDS, won’t get you out of work; activists ruined that by demanding to keep their jobs after diagnosis. (Thanks a lot, EEO.)

We need to retire “the flu” immediately, if only because our employers will catch on soon. Before you know it, we’ll all have special buckets next to our tissue boxes so we can’t call in to work. More people than ever will catch the flu, creating the perfect flu virus that can infect and kill anyone. Please, think of your loved ones.

Update II (3/20/2008): Holly over at Actually Home has her own recommendation for a term that should also be retired.  On a scale from 1 to 10, I wish I had noticed this one.